The Bowdoin Orient

Dearest followers. Welcome to our final column. Of all time. At least with us. And we’re really the only wine connoisseurs that matter. This week, to celebrate our immensely successful year of writing what we can only assume is the Orient’s most widely read column, we decided to review a “premium” wine. 

By “premium,” we mean the premium packaging that Xo, G comes in. It is made up of separate, durable plastic glasses in one convenient pop-apart tower, wrapped in artistically designed plastic. While it may not be very eco-friendly, it is definitely fun and an incredibly unique way to market wine. 

We are somewhat concerned that the packaging may encourage drinking while driving, as it notes that this wine is “Perfect for the girl on the go” and fits in a standard cup holder. Out of the available options, we decided to go with the rosé since we barely dipped into this category during our tenure with the Orient. The wine has a beautiful silvery-pink color and catches the eye.

The initial odor that escaped the plastic container almost made us gag. It is akin to some sort of wine-scented compost. After it had time to breathe—if you could call it that—one visiting commenter said that it smelled like trash juice. Brandon thought it was pleasing and earthy, while another visitor said it became offensive over time. 

The wine is surprisingly acidic and is not as sweet as one may guess based on its pink color and fancy packaging. It is fairly tasteless overall, but it has quite a strong aftertaste of alcohol and earth. According to Brandon, this aftertaste is what you would expect your mouth to taste like when you vomit this wine up later. This is despite the wrapping saying it has notes of berries. This is certainly no white zin. 

At the same time, it is surprisingly drinkable and when judged in the context of its wine-to-go platform, it is maybe not all too bad. We honestly think you could do better, but if you are looking for a middling quality taste with cool packaging this may be for you. 

With a high 12.6 percent alcohol by volume, you can really feel this wine burn through you. The Xo, G has a pretty flat and boring mouthfeel that could be called silky if we were feeling generous.

So with that, we bid farewell to this column and to you, our faithful readers. We are certainly not bidding goodbye to the wine though. Over the year we’ve gained a new appreciation for wine, and we’ve learned a lot. Our most important lesson, that we hope we’ve passed on to you, is that you don’t have to splurge to keep your next dinner, party, outdoor picnic, or stress-induced sobbing session classy. You can certainly find some great wine for under $10, and we hope this column has inspired you to add more wine to your life.

As always,XO, B + B 

Nose: 1.5Body: 2.5Mouthfeel: 2.5Taste: 2.5 Final, final thoughts: Brandon: What a year, what a column, what a beginning to my lifelong wine-based alcoholism. But in all seriousness, though I am continuously shocked that we have somehow managed to gain a readership, it has been great hearing all of your suggestions and compliments.

Bryce: Wine column Tuesdays have become the highlight of the early part of my week. Thank you to all those who have voiced their support and excitedly told me they took our advice. It’s fun to see we actually have a readership and that there are people who believe what we say. 

Good morning Polar Bears.  Spring is in the air, midterms are behind us and the snow has finally disappeared from the beloved Quad.  You all know what that means—Ivies will soon be upon us. Break out your finest salmon shorts, questionably appropriate tanks and the shortest sundress you own because the debauchery is about to begin.

Ivies is a difficult time for many students.  No, not because of your latest breakup or inability to find an Ivies bae, but because of the structural challenges it presents.  When preparing for a full week of drinking you must be strategic. Beer? Sure, if you’re trying to gain 20 lbs from guzzling 30-racks all day.  Hard alcohol? Enjoy your Saturday transport if you even make it that far.  It is our humble opinion that wine offers the perfect alternative.

But, of course, no one wants to tote around a bottle of wine on the Brunswick Quad.  That is so last season.  Thankfully, we, your humble servants, are here to help.  This week we are reviewing not one, but four varieties of boxed wines.  No, not Franzia, unless you want to be known as that annoying person who keeps trying to get people to “slap the bag.”  We found a much more suitable alternative: juice box sized wines that hold an impressive three glasses each.  This is a perfect size as you can stock up for the concert without violating any rules pertaining to glass or container opacity. 

Tonight we have chosen to sample two whites and two reds.  We are covering a spectrum of grapes and vineyards to bring you a chardonnay, pinot grigio, cabernet sauvignon and a red blend.  They hail from regions ranging from California to Chile. 

While international varieties may generally be lauded for their quality, the Chilean cabernet sauvignon really disappoints.  What may be truly the worst wine we have reviewed, the Black Box Cabernet Sauvignon elicits such a strong visceral reaction that it almost brought us to tears.  If you enjoy drinking, or for that matter anything good in the world, avoid this wine.  God only knows how a 2013 vintage survived in that cardboard box for two years, but it certainly didn’t develop any appreciable flavors and was less than subtly disgusting. 

What may be considered the coconut water equivalent of our juice boxes, the Bota Mini Pinot Grigio tastes like a slight portion of alcohol was added to some water as an afterthought.  This is not intrinsically a bad thing though, as it is incredibly refreshing, and although we can’t recommend it instead of coconut water as an emergency IV, we’re not saying it couldn’t work.  We are both seriously considering using this as our “break beverage” during Ivies when we need a reprieve from the grownup drinks. 

While Bota Mini’s other offering, the Redvolution, may sound like some sort of Soviet coup, we promise it’s not.  However, it does tastes like one: bitter, with a nasty aftertaste.  We can’t help but grimace as we sipped it.  While the Redvolution was much better than the Black Box, our little red wine juice boxes are not faring well. Despite being billed as a red blend, the Redvolution does not divulge what may have gone into it.  There isn’t really much more to say.  Drink white.

Ideally it will be hot out anyway and a nice cold juice box will be just the thing to quench your thirst and fuel your fun.  Also, if you happen to spill it, it won’t ruin your meticulously planned Ivies outfit.

This brings us to the king, perhaps kween, of the juicebox wines: Rex-Goliath Chardonnay.  Named after the world’s largest rooster, weighing in at 47 lbs (that’s a big cock), this wine is by far the best out of our selection.  Drinkable, with a fruity palate and an OK aftertaste, Rex-Goliath really surprised us. This is a wine we would definitely recommend guzzling on the Quad or the football field.

So until next time, enjoy your Ivies and please drink “responsibly.”

XOXO,- Gossip Bs

Overall we would rank the wines in the following order:1.     Rex-Goliath Chardonnay2.     Bota Mini Pinot Grigio3.     Bota Mini Redvolution4.     Black Box Cabernet Sauvignon (for the love of God please do not purchase this wine)

Additional notes: Brandon: Go to Hannaford’s. Find the rooster. Purchase. Drink. Enjoy.Bryce: We used straws to drink the juice boxes and that was an issue.  They just kinda explode wine into your mouth.

All available at Hannaford ranging for $3.50 – $4.99

Queso: check. Solo cups: check. Cheap-ass white wine: check. Another successful Tuesday night in Tower 12B.  While the presence of refinement in these wine columns was questionable to start, it certainly will not be found at this late point in our senior year. Our first assessment of our wine for this week was “this will be an experience,” and likely not an amazing one. 

Why this reaction? We bought this bottle for only $4.99. Yes, you read that correctly. We bought this wine for less than Sabra Hummus at the C-Store (don’t you love those mark-ups?). For better or for worse, this is what we have come to.

But there appears to be a light at the end of this dark, boozy tunnel. Our wine, Simone, a Sauvignon Blanc from Chile (certainly no California arsenic for this column!), received 87 points and was labeled a best buy by Wine Enthusiast. Naturally, we were quite surprised that anything so cheap could be rated so highly. The only little hiccup was the small print indicating that this award was actually for the 2008 vintage, and our bottle tonight is from the ripe young year of 2013. 

Despite the deceptive advertising, Simone is actually quite tasty and not offensive at all. It is hard to gauge if our predilection for fine wines and purebred vintages has simply disappeared under the yearlong bombardment of under-$10 wines, but at this point we really don’t care.  The wine tastes crisp and refreshing. It’s more or less exactly what you would want out of a cheaper Sauvignon Blanc. While it is nearly impossible to smell anything but plastic when the wine is in a solo cup, we could still make out slight fruity notes with hints of citrus. 

The color of the wine is a light silvery-gold akin to the inside of a pear, and the mouthfeel is smooth; we may even go so far as to say slightly effervescent. This is a great spring wine. Even though it seems like we’re still in the depths of winter, there are signs that spring has finally sprung. Perhaps this wine will become a spring staple in our room.

In terms of taste, this wine was quite good. We honestly don’t know if the pleasing aftertaste was the queso or the wine (Brandon found that it had nice oakiness), but in either case we really enjoyed it.

All in all, this wine surprised us. We went into it with fairly low expectations that were quickly surpassed. Maybe this is a sign for Bottom of the Barrel that it’s time for us to drop the queso and start pairing with better options. Or maybe it’s a sign that the queso is making everything better. As the weather begins to match our Senior Spring attitude, we’re likely to believe in the latter. Graduation is swiftly approaching (hello cap and gown order forms, and LOL to registering for classes or entering the lottery), and this means that we only have a few short weeks left to enjoy life in college. Honestly, there’s no better way to savor this time than to hang out with friends over a bottle of wine and snacks. We’ll drink to that.

Additional Notes: Brandon: “I feel like this wine is a good training wheel wine. It’s preparing me for my future life of guzzling Sauvignon Blanc at every available opportunity.” Bryce: “While 87 points may be generous, a couple bottles of this could make a nice spring sangria.”

Nose: 3.5Mouthfeel: 4Body: 3.5Taste: 3 Get your hands on Simone while it’s still at a crazy low sale price! Shaw’s: $4.99.

So here we sit.  Another Tuesday, another bottle of wine, another bag of Tostitos.  What is new this time is the microwaveable queso tray we bought.  Nothing says “class” like wine and cheese, and nothing says “klass” like wine and microwaveable cheese.  It is at the point in the semester where people just don’t seem to care anymore.  For us, that means sleeping more than any one person ever should, and more importantly, using a solo cup as the new wine review glass. 

Our wine this week is a Pinot Noir from Chile.  Assiduous readers may note that this is not our first Pinot Noir, but given the poor quality of our last we thought we should give the variety another chance. 

The winemakers decided to disregard the French origins of this grape, naming their wine Pinot Evil, based on the Three Wise Monkeys Japanese proverb. Meant to reference the supposed “evilness” of the Pinot noir grape, Pinot Evil claims that Pinot Noir is a guilty pleasure. We couldn’t agree more. 

Pinot Noir is one of our favorite varieties of red wine, so we were excited to break into this bottle. Important to note is that the label indicated the bottle is “imported” and emphasized the fact in fancy cursive lettering. Whether this is to impress any potential party guests or to dupe people into buying more of their wine, we cannot say.  

We appreciated that the bottle has a screw top and as such, it would seem to indicate the latter is true.

The wine is a nice ruby red color and has a pleasing nose with hints of cherries and spice.  Pinot Evil has a very smooth, silky mouthfeel and a moderate acidity that is well balanced with warm, spicy, fruit flavors—in short, it tastes Christmasy.  This is easily a cheap wine someone’s parents could bring to a holiday party to get tipsy on. This affords it some flexibility and it could easily be made into mulled wine with a few added spices.  

We firmly believe that while the holiday season is well behind us, the winter seems to have no end and that a hot wine is still quite appropriate in our frozen circumstances.

Overall, this wine is very drinkable and we blew through the bottle in about twenty minutes. We should note that is not to say that this wine is one of the better ones we have reviewed. The stress this time of year brings has pushed us to be happy with anything you could serve us. Case in point, as soon as the Pinot Evil was empty, we found some leftover Franzia from the weekend and that hit the spot too. Pinot Evil has so inoffensive a flavor that it can be paired with practically anything you would want to eat. The label suggests roasted duck, but our microwave tray of Tostito’s queso worked quite well, and we imagine anything else you typically snack on would be great too.

Additional Notes: Brandon: “I can envision myself getting very drunk off this wine at my next family gathering.”

Bryce: “‘Surprising’ is the first word that comes to mind. Three bottles of this to myself could make a good night.” Nose: 3.5Mouthfeel: 4Body: 3Taste: 3

Get some Pinot Evil while it is still on sale! Shaw’s:  $7.99.

We are sad to report that we were the victims of a hostile takeover. No, not by our local wine connoisseur, but by the men’s ice hockey team. Upon our return home after a long two hours of grueling work at the library’s circulation desk, we found two-time NESCAC champions and zero-time NCAA champions, Bowdoin seniors Connor Quinn, Mike Schlagel and John McGinnis lurking in our apartment playing our Wii and hanging out with our roommates. They had apparently decided that they needed to make an appearance in our wine column. Luckily, they brought with them a sumptuous feast of leftover buffet food, chips and shrimp.

And they brought wine, so all was good. 

Each brought their own wine, so we had three bottles to sample. Quinn brought a red blend from Dark Horse. We’d love nothing more than to tell you what was in this blend, however the makers decided that information like that just wasn’t important. McGinnis also brought us a red wine blend, this one a Sterling Vintner’s Collection. Finally, Schlagel brought us a Cabernet Sauvignon from Newman’s Own. When a company makes both wine and salad dressing, you know the wine’s gonna be good.

Our main intention that night was to drink the disturbing combination of red wine and Pepsi. Quinn had been begging us since September to feature this seemingly noxious combination in our column, and we decided it was time to humor him. Now before you decide to throw your paper down in disgust, keep in mind that  this drink is actually the popular Spanish drink  Kalimotxo. We assume it is all the rage for teenagers in Basque country. This 50-50 combination of cheap red wine and cola is a trip into new territory for Bottom of the Barrel. 

You may be wondering why we chose Pepsi over Coke. This was purely on the recommendation of Quinn, who told us we had to use Pepsi. We were told later that Diet Rite from Wal-Mart was the normal mixer, but that that choice of Pepsi would be more befitting of our column’s classy reputation.

The Kalimotxo combo was surprisingly—some may say shockingly–drinkable. In fact, we all found it quite good. This may be due to the fact that the CO2 content in the wine makes the alcohol hit you harder, according to (somehow) chem and physics double major Schlagel. (Please don’t fact check us). The dominating note in both flavor and smell was sugar, unsurprisingly.  The Pepsi overpowered whatever wine you poured it into.

In terms of the wine itself, none stood out as particularly good. The Dark Horse blend and Newman’s Own were both light in flavor. The Dark Horse was perhaps better tasting, while the Newman’s Own had the best nose of the three. The Sterling Vintner’s, however, stood out as particularly bad. While McGinnis hypothesized it may have something to do with the 5 percent Malbec ratio, we think it much more likely that the wine just sucks. Although to be fair when one is cleansing the palette with sharp cheddar cheese, accurate tasting may be impaired.

Overall we’d recommend the wines in the following order (Pepsi optional):

1. Dark Horse Big Red Blend, Hannaford’s, $7.992. Newman’s Own Cabernet Sauvignon, Hannaford’s, $10.99 (Side note: all Newman’s Own profits go to charity, so we felt that it was okay to go over our normal $10 limit.)3. Sterling Vinter’s Collection, Hannaford’s, $8.99

So at the end of the day, none of these wines stood out as great. But that’s not really what matters. First, when you’re combining wine with Pepsi, quality really becomes a secondary concern. You could use literally any red and it would taste sugary and delicious. Second, it’s important to remember that wine drinking should never be done (purely) for the wine’s sake. This was the best tasting we’ve had thus far, but this column was the hardest to write because of all the good moments and funny comments we wanted to include but couldn’t for lack of space. So we’ll end by asking you to go out, grab some friends, buy some wine and Pepsi, maybe some plastic wine glasses (stems included, per recommendation from the hockey boys), and enjoy those that you’re with. That’s what drinking wine is all about.

Additional Notes:

Brandon: Perhaps the first time I’ve agreed with Connor Quinn about anything. What is happening to me?

Bryce: Regrettably drinkable, red wine and Pepsi is a good way to start a bad habit.

Going into the end of the semester is a trying ordeal for any stressed college student. We wholeheartedly endorse using wine as a medicinal coping mechanism for when you can no longer deal with reality.  Brandon is a psych major, so you know our advice is legit.*

Deciding to kick the class up a notch this week, we chose Spotify’s “Coffee Table Jazz” to play as we expertly sampled our wine, a California Riesling appropriately labeled “Belle Ambiance.”  Our spit cups nowhere to be found we decided to drink the whole bottle like we usually do. Keep the music classy, but true wine connoisseurs need to be able to taste the entire bottle. 

As Brandon popped the cork we noticed that our “Belle Ambiance” Riesling fit the environment quite well.  With a delightful glugging akin to a cherub’s laugh, the glasses were filled and the bottle was suddenly half empty.

A very light nose greeted us with floral notes, not very strong overall, but quite pleasing. Also, who really cares what it smells like as long as it tastes good, right? The color of the wine is a white gold, and the body is relatively light.  

Rieslings are known to be quite sweet and low in alcohol content.  This wine delivered on only one of those qualities.  

Typically German, our California Reisling was sweet, but not cloying. With an American twist, however, our wine was at a comfortable 12 percent alcohol by volume, resting on the higher end of the scale for this type of wine.  Have we found a wine that gives us the best of both worlds?

The wine is refreshingly sweet at first, yet finishes well with a light acidity.  Easy enough to sip on its own, we didn’t feel the need to pair it with anything but more wine.  

The aftertaste is lovely and lends itself to making this a casual sipping wine. It also makes you want to drink more. This wine is the ultimate stress reliever.  We highly suggest pairing it with some smooth jazz, even if you aren’t a fan, and then just let yourself feel the stress melt away.  If you wish to go into a happiness coma grab two bottles, turn on the music, and throw on the Parent Trap (Lohan version, obviously).

Remember: you’re going to be okay, if you let the Belle Ambiance take you away.

Additional Notes: 

Brandon:  I can imagine putting on a record, curling up in front of the fire with my (as of yet, nonexistent) significant other and escaping into the Belle Ambiance.

Bryce: I am actually at such a relaxed state right now that I could find Nicolas Cage repairing the Coles Tower elevator and I wouldn’t even be fazed.  Nose: 3.5Mouthfeel: 4Body: 3.5 Taste: 4.5 As per the good doctor’s orders go grab your weekly bottle and de-stress. $9.99 at Target. *Disclaimer: Brandon is not an actual doctor of psychology. 

This week we decided to step out of our comfort zone and try out a White Zinfandel. While Brandon is not particularly fond of rosés, we felt it was only fair to add variety.  While perusing our favorite wine section at Hannaford’s, we settled upon a Sutter Home White Zinfandel. 

White Zinfandels come from Zinfandel grapes, but are processed differently to create a semi-sweet rosé instead of a heartier red wine.  Our particular wine was actually created by mistake on the part of Sutter Home Winery.  The accidental creation of this sweet pink wine proved to be incredibly valuable—White Zinfandels are now the third most popular type of wine in the U.S.     

When Bryce first smelled the wine he initially noticed vanilla, but it matured into lighter floral and berry notes with undertones of melon. Overall, not the most exciting nose to date.

Let’s just say that this wine is easy to drink. It is sweet—akin to a Riesling—but far from a true dessert wine. Our White Zin is delicious on its own, by the glass or bottle, but could pair with anything you have on hand in your dorm for snacks, such as Wheat Thins or White Cheddar Cheez-Its. But honestly, snacking just takes time away from drinking. 

The taste of the wine itself is like creamy strawberries with a slight nuance of watermelon. This wine has the unique ability to be sipped or—in Brandon’s case—guzzled. Like a good lover, this wine has a gentle and smooth mouthfeel that makes you want to keep drinking more. The body was a little thin for Brandon’s taste, but Bryce preferred its lightness and found the wine to be more delicate than thin. 

You may have noticed this column is less snarky than usual. This is probably due to the fact that we loved this wine so much, we could not think of any disparaging comments about it. For those of you who know us, please try to contain your shock at this revelation that we have found something that truly pleases us both. This poses a difficulty in terms of any criticism, but we believe that what has occurred here this evening can only be labeled an epiphany. What had we been doing with our lives before we discovered this wine?  

We had been lost on a path strewn with Barefoot Pinot Noir and Franzia Crisp White, but tonight we have found the one true wine and it is Sutter Home White Zinfandel.  If you are partial to Franzia’s Sunset Blush, set down that filthy bag and grab a bottle of this wine. We promise you won’t be disappointed. 

Additional NotesBrandon: “This wine is definitely a keeper.  I can see myself in 20 years coming home from a long day of therapy to a screaming child and perpetually disappointed husband, sneaking into my kitchen, popping off the cork to a Sutter Home White Zin and enjoying a well deserved glass of ‘juice’.”Bryce: “Why this wine isn’t in Capri Sun-like packaging is beyond me.” Nose: 3 Mouthfeel: 3.5Body: 3Taste: 4.5 Grab some Sutter Home White Zinfandel before we drink it all. Hannaford: $7.99.

For this week’s wine, we decided to go out of our way and take a drive to an alternate supermarket: the famed Shaw’s of Cook’s Corner.  With a plethora of new wine options, we essentially closed our eyes and pulled a bottle blindly off the shelf.  In fitting with our intent to drink in order to go to sleep, our bottle is cleverly titled “Once Upon a Vine” and will serve as our bedtime fairy tale.  Or perhaps, our nightmare. 

Unsure of what to expect, we popped open our 2013 Pinot.  Amalie McGowan ’15, a guest contributor—self-professed sommelier and perhaps a pretentious know-nothing—joined us this week.  

The pinot noir grape is originally French, as not so subtly implied by its name.  Pinot, French for “pine,” describes how the grapes cluster on the vine like pinecones. Noir, French for “black,” reflects the dark color of the grapes.  

Pinot noir grapes are quite difficult to cultivate and turn into wine because of their fragility.  Pinot noirs themselves have been increasing in popularity since the film Sideways brought them to the forefront and  disparaged Merlots.

As we poured the wine, we were quick to note the blood red color, which Brandon further described as being visually “wine-y”.  

The nose of the wine is quite fruity.  Our resident sommelier picked up notes of darker fruits like elderberry and cherry.  Our bottle of Once Upon a Vine has a nice silky mouth-feel with good body.  With just a quick sip, it is easy to note that the wine is quite juicy and sweet at first.  Amalie noted that these initially pleasing impressions are followed up “with light hints of battery acid in the aftertaste”. 

More accurately, she noted that this wine is “taking you there, the sensation building and building, but then there is a sudden firing off and you are left crestfallen with a bitter taste in your mouth.” 

Wine and food are meant to be chosen together, so we carefully paired our wine with cold, leftover slices of pepperoni pizza. This “noir ass pinot” was washed down well with a salty amalgam of cheese and cured meat.

Overall, Once Upon a Vine Pinot Noir is like the Little Mermaid of wines (we’re talking Andersen here). Initially, you are charmed by the fruitiness and the visual appeal, but ultimately you end up stabbing yourself in the heart and throwing yourself to a watery grave in the Androscoggin. Additional NotesAmalie: “Take the pizza, leave the wine.”Brandon: “This wine is like my love life: broken promises of Prince Charmings.” Bryce: “While the flavor is lacking, Once Upon a Vine does serve as a good substitute for your favorite sleep aid.”

Nose: 2.5Body: 3Mouthfeel: 3Taste: 2

Get some Once Upon a Vine Pinot Noir while it is still on sale! Shaw’s:  $9.99.