Wine juice boxes: an Ivies alternative to bring out your inner child

Bottom of the Barrel: Simone Sauvignon Blanc: A training wheel wine bargain

Queso: check. Solo cups: check. Cheap-ass white wine: check. Another successful Tuesday night in Tower 12B. While the presence of refinement in these wine columns was questionable to start, it certainly will not be found at this late point in our senior year. Our first assessment of our wine for this week was “this will be an experience,” and likely not an amazing one.
Why this reaction? We bought this bottle for only $4.99. Yes, you read that correctly. We bought this wine for less than Sabra Hummus at the C-Store (don’t you love those mark-ups?). For better or for worse, this is what we have come to.
But there appears to be a light at the end of this dark, boozy tunnel. Our wine, Simone, a Sauvignon Blanc from Chile (certainly no California arsenic for this column!), received 87 points and was labeled a best buy by Wine Enthusiast. Naturally, we were quite surprised that anything so cheap could be rated so highly. The only little hiccup was the small print indicating that this award was actually for the 2008 vintage, and our bottle tonight is from the ripe young year of 2013.
Despite the deceptive advertising, Simone is actually quite tasty and not offensive at all. It is hard to gauge if our predilection for fine wines and purebred vintages has simply disappeared under the yearlong bombardment of under-$10 wines, but at this point we really don’t care. The wine tastes crisp and refreshing. It’s more or less exactly what you would want out of a cheaper Sauvignon Blanc. While it is nearly impossible to smell anything but plastic when the wine is in a solo cup, we could still make out slight fruity notes with hints of citrus.
The color of the wine is a light silvery-gold akin to the inside of a pear, and the mouthfeel is smooth; we may even go so far as to say slightly effervescent. This is a great spring wine. Even though it seems like we’re still in the depths of winter, there are signs that spring has finally sprung. Perhaps this wine will become a spring staple in our room.
In terms of taste, this wine was quite good. We honestly don’t know if the pleasing aftertaste was the queso or the wine (Brandon found that it had nice oakiness), but in either case we really enjoyed it.
All in all, this wine surprised us. We went into it with fairly low expectations that were quickly surpassed. Maybe this is a sign for Bottom of the Barrel that it’s time for us to drop the queso and start pairing with better options. Or maybe it’s a sign that the queso is making everything better. As the weather begins to match our Senior Spring attitude, we’re likely to believe in the latter. Graduation is swiftly approaching (hello cap and gown order forms, and LOL to registering for classes or entering the lottery), and this means that we only have a few short weeks left to enjoy life in college. Honestly, there’s no better way to savor this time than to hang out with friends over a bottle of wine and snacks. We’ll drink to that.
Additional Notes: Brandon: “I feel like this wine is a good training wheel wine. It’s preparing me for my future life of guzzling Sauvignon Blanc at every available opportunity.” Bryce: “While 87 points may be generous, a couple bottles of this could make a nice spring sangria.”
Nose: 3.5Mouthfeel: 4Body: 3.5Taste: 3 Get your hands on Simone while it’s still at a crazy low sale price! Shaw’s: $4.99.

Bottom of the Barrel: Xo, G provides a less than stellar send-off

Dearest followers. Welcome to our final column. Of all time. At least with us. And we’re really the only wine connoisseurs that matter. This week, to celebrate our immensely successful year of writing what we can only assume is the Orient’s most widely read column, we decided to review a “premium” wine.
By “premium,” we mean the premium packaging that Xo, G comes in. It is made up of separate, durable plastic glasses in one convenient pop-apart tower, wrapped in artistically designed plastic. While it may not be very eco-friendly, it is definitely fun and an incredibly unique way to market wine.
We are somewhat concerned that the packaging may encourage drinking while driving, as it notes that this wine is “Perfect for the girl on the go” and fits in a standard cup holder. Out of the available options, we decided to go with the rosé since we barely dipped into this category during our tenure with the Orient. The wine has a beautiful silvery-pink color and catches the eye.
The initial odor that escaped the plastic container almost made us gag. It is akin to some sort of wine-scented compost. After it had time to breathe—if you could call it that—one visiting commenter said that it smelled like trash juice. Brandon thought it was pleasing and earthy, while another visitor said it became offensive over time.
The wine is surprisingly acidic and is not as sweet as one may guess based on its pink color and fancy packaging. It is fairly tasteless overall, but it has quite a strong aftertaste of alcohol and earth. According to Brandon, this aftertaste is what you would expect your mouth to taste like when you vomit this wine up later. This is despite the wrapping saying it has notes of berries. This is certainly no white zin.
At the same time, it is surprisingly drinkable and when judged in the context of its wine-to-go platform, it is maybe not all too bad. We honestly think you could do better, but if you are looking for a middling quality taste with cool packaging this may be for you.
With a high 12.6 percent alcohol by volume, you can really feel this wine burn through you. The Xo, G has a pretty flat and boring mouthfeel that could be called silky if we were feeling generous.
So with that, we bid farewell to this column and to you, our faithful readers. We are certainly not bidding goodbye to the wine though. Over the year we’ve gained a new appreciation for wine, and we’ve learned a lot. Our most important lesson, that we hope we’ve passed on to you, is that you don’t have to splurge to keep your next dinner, party, outdoor picnic, or stress-induced sobbing session classy. You can certainly find some great wine for under $10, and we hope this column has inspired you to add more wine to your life.
As always,XO, B + B
Nose: 1.5Body: 2.5Mouthfeel: 2.5Taste: 2.5 Final, final thoughts: Brandon: What a year, what a column, what a beginning to my lifelong wine-based alcoholism. But in all seriousness, though I am continuously shocked that we have somehow managed to gain a readership, it has been great hearing all of your suggestions and compliments.
Bryce: Wine column Tuesdays have become the highlight of the early part of my week. Thank you to all those who have voiced their support and excitedly told me they took our advice. It’s fun to see we actually have a readership and that there are people who believe what we say.

Bottom of the Barrel

Wine juice boxes: an Ivies alternative to bring out your inner child

This piece represents the opinion of the authors:

April 17, 2015

Good morning Polar Bears. Spring is in the air, midterms are behind us and the snow has finally disappeared from the beloved Quad. You all know what that means—Ivies will soon be upon us. Break out your finest salmon shorts, questionably appropriate tanks and the shortest sundress you own because the debauchery is about to begin.

Ivies is a difficult time for many students. No, not because of your latest breakup or inability to find an Ivies bae, but because of the structural challenges it presents. When preparing for a full week of drinking you must be strategic. Beer? Sure, if you’re trying to gain 20 lbs from guzzling 30-racks all day. Hard alcohol? Enjoy your Saturday transport if you even make it that far. It is our humble opinion that wine offers the perfect alternative.

But, of course, no one wants to tote around a bottle of wine on the Brunswick Quad. That is so last season. Thankfully, we, your humble servants, are here to help. This week we are reviewing not one, but four varieties of boxed wines. No, not Franzia, unless you want to be known as that annoying person who keeps trying to get people to “slap the bag.” We found a much more suitable alternative: juice box sized wines that hold an impressive three glasses each. This is a perfect size as you can stock up for the concert without violating any rules pertaining to glass or container opacity.

Tonight we have chosen to sample two whites and two reds. We are covering a spectrum of grapes and vineyards to bring you a chardonnay, pinot grigio, cabernet sauvignon and a red blend. They hail from regions ranging from California to Chile.

While international varieties may generally be lauded for their quality, the Chilean cabernet sauvignon really disappoints. What may be truly the worst wine we have reviewed, the Black Box Cabernet Sauvignon elicits such a strong visceral reaction that it almost brought us to tears. If you enjoy drinking, or for that matter anything good in the world, avoid this wine. God only knows how a 2013 vintage survived in that cardboard box for two years, but it certainly didn’t develop any appreciable flavors and was less than subtly disgusting.

What may be considered the coconut water equivalent of our juice boxes, the Bota Mini Pinot Grigio tastes like a slight portion of alcohol was added to some water as an afterthought. This is not intrinsically a bad thing though, as it is incredibly refreshing, and although we can’t recommend it instead of coconut water as an emergency IV, we’re not saying it couldn’t work. We are both seriously considering using this as our “break beverage” during Ivies when we need a reprieve from the grownup drinks.

While Bota Mini’s other offering, the Redvolution, may sound like some sort of Soviet coup, we promise it’s not. However, it does tastes like one: bitter, with a nasty aftertaste. We can’t help but grimace as we sipped it. While the Redvolution was much better than the Black Box, our little red wine juice boxes are not faring well. Despite being billed as a red blend, the Redvolution does not divulge what may have gone into it. There isn’t really much more to say. Drink white.

Ideally it will be hot out anyway and a nice cold juice box will be just the thing to quench your thirst and fuel your fun. Also, if you happen to spill it, it won’t ruin your meticulously planned Ivies outfit.

This brings us to the king, perhaps kween, of the juicebox wines: Rex-Goliath Chardonnay. Named after the world’s largest rooster, weighing in at 47 lbs (that’s a big cock), this wine is by far the best out of our selection. Drinkable, with a fruity palate and an OK aftertaste, Rex-Goliath really surprised us. This is a wine we would definitely recommend guzzling on the Quad or the football field.

So until next time, enjoy your Ivies and please drink “responsibly.”

XOXO,
- Gossip Bs

Overall we would rank the wines in the following order:
1. Rex-Goliath Chardonnay
2. Bota Mini Pinot Grigio
3. Bota Mini Redvolution
4. Black Box Cabernet Sauvignon (for the love of God please do not purchase this wine)

Additional notes:

Brandon: Go to Hannaford’s. Find the rooster. Purchase. Drink. Enjoy.
Bryce: We used straws to drink the juice boxes and that was an issue. They just kinda explode wine into your mouth.

All available at Hannaford ranging for $3.50 – $4.99

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