*This is a spoiler-free review.*

This past weekend, I joined two friends to see the Palme d’Or winner and critical darling “Fjord.” The contemplative, politically charged Norwegian drama with a two-and-a-half-hour runtime was sure to stimulate us intellectually and spark good conversation. The themes of religious freedom, progressiveness taken too far and parental rights ring so true to today’s cultural landscape, and we thought—I’M LYING; WE SAW “GODZILLA: MINUS ZERO.” RAHHHHHHH. MONSTERS FIGHTING EACH OTHER. WOOOOOOO.

Who needs Oscar-worthy performances when you have a big monster? Who needs current societal critiques when you have a big monster that can fly? That’s right. The new monster in this one is a massive dragon. Take that, Sebastian Stan.

Although I jest, I would hate to sell the film short. “Godzilla: Minus Zero,” directed by Academy Award winner Takashi Yamazaki, is legitimately a beautiful, powerful and fun blockbuster. My friends and I originally planned on seeing “Fjord,” but great reviews and a desire to watch monsters fight instead of being sad in Norway for over two hours led us to “Godzilla.” I’m so glad it did.

Despite our excitement to see this film, our great pleasure watching it might come as a surprise. This is a sequel; none of us had seen the first movie. This is in Japanese; none of us speak Japanese. Somehow, it didn’t matter. That’s a huge credit to the film. And a huge credit to the subtitles. Sure, there were moments when I was a little lost about who people were or what was happening, but then a dope monster would chase down planes, and all confusion became irrelevant.

When I could figure out what was happening, I took away pretty powerful messages. This movie, like the first, is set in the years following the Second World War. Since Godzilla’s origins, the figure has been a metaphor for the fallout of the atomic bombings of Japan. That idea clearly features in the story, as characters struggle with the losses and destruction from Hiroshima and Nagasaki alongside the destruction Godzilla wreaked in the previous film. Even more compelling was those same characters reckoning with the possibility of inflicting that same devastation back on the initial perpetrators. What are the consequences if they do? Are they responsible for collateral damage? Should they wake the sleeping dragon with a bunch of bombs (top five worst way to be woken up)?

So clearly, the movie’s not dumb, and it has some important things to say. In a way, it’s the anti-Whittier. But let’s not forget what we’re here to see: monsters destroying things. The main monster in this one, Ghidorah, looks so cool. Yamazaki has a background in visual effects, and it shows. We never forget just how big or gnarly Ghidorah is. The scale is constant. His ability to fly also unlocks a new arena for fighting: the air. Dogfights with dragons. There’s the marquee. I’d buy ten tickets for that alone.

Unfortunately, due to the time spent meticulously crafting the visual effects for the monsters and destruction, the writers’ room may have been a little neglected. It wasn’t all bad. I cared about the characters enough. The plot mostly held up. The science kind of made sense. But it certainly left more to be desired. At one point I found myself laughing at what was supposed to be a weighty, emotional scene. Maybe I’m just a bad person, but I couldn’t help it. My two friends were laughing as well, so at the very least, I’m no worse than them.

So the dialogue was eh, but who cares? I wasn’t really looking for incredible insights into the human experience. I was looking for incredible sights of monsters. And the film delivered. Speaking of meeting expectations, I’m sure devout readers (my parents) are wondering when the fun list is coming.

Now.

Here are the ten people I’d like Godzilla to fight next:

1. The couple in the row behind us who were passionately embracing throughout the movie: Somehow, the giant flying monster was not the most jarring visual I saw in the theater that afternoon.
2. Jake and Logan Paul: I would happily drop out and redirect my Bowdoin tuition to a pay-per-view for this fight.
3. Ten AT-ATs from Star Wars: This could also be swapped with Luke Skywalker in a T-47 Airspeeder.
4. A certain professor of mine: It’s nothing personal, I swear. I just have this pesky essay that I do not want to write.
5. Prime Michael Jordan, and then Prime LeBron: Let’s finally settle this once and for all.
6. The BFG: Bet that dirtbag wouldn’t be so friendly after that bout.
7. NBC Election Newscaster Steve Kornacki: As a devout CNN Election Newscaster John King supporter, I deeply resent the undue praise Kornacki gets. Half of his stream was just tech troubles. #Kingisking.
8. Me: I’m dodging the first swipe and delivering a jab to the foot. I can only reach his foot. As he rears back to get his heat-ray ready, I run straight under him; he bends all the way over to follow me, trips and accidentally fires the beam into his own stomach. I win.
9. Six Godzilla-sized chickens: Hear me out, my money’s on the chickens. That’s a lot of claw stabs Godzilla would have to endure.
10. The guy who invented Workday: Somehow I ended up with six classes, all on Friday.

The good news is I have the rest of the week to watch more movies and prepare for my matchup with Godzilla.

7.7/10