Genevieve Scales

*This is a spoiler-free review.*

When I told friends and family that I was going to be writing humorous movie reviews for The Bowdoin Orient, I was met with general excitement and a few “They’re seriously letting you do this?” and “Did nobody else apply?” When I told those same people my first film I’d review was the Chris Hansen “To Catch a Predator” exposé “Primetime,” the reactions suddenly went from “That’s awesome,” to, “Oh my god, no, you have to apply for jobs someday.”

If the cautions from the ones I care about weren’t enough to dissuade me, the universe itself seemed to be screaming at me not to see this movie. First, the Eveningstar Cinema, the wonderful theater right in downtown Brunswick, wasn’t showing it yet, which meant a trip over to Smitty’s Cinema in Topsham. That could have been fine, but all my friends with cars who would have attended were swamped with work, so I had to book an Uber. I reserved one for 2:55 p.m. to make it well on time for the 3:15 showing. Unfortunately, 2:55 rolled around, and my Uber didn’t. It wasn’t until 3:19, after the movie had started, that I hopped into the front seat of the blue Subaru sent to pick me up. Clearly, the world didn’t wish for me to see this movie, but it was this or the Brad Pitt dog one, so I had no choice but to persevere. If anyone out there chooses to disregard my thoughts on this film because I missed the first 15 minutes, I understand. But speaking of my thoughts, I have a lot. Twelve, to be specific:

1. I need a warm bath and time with family after that. This movie’s aggressive bleakness and its relentless quest to make you uncomfortable left me dazed as the credits rolled. It’s good, but it’s not a good time at the movies. This makes sense; I wouldn’t want to walk out of a predator movie feeling jolly, but yeesh, man.
2. Many people very much relish being as close to Robert Pattinson’s face as possible. I’m not one of those people, so I wouldn’t call the probably over 300 close-ups enjoyable.
3. That said, Robert Pattinson deserves every bit of praise he’s getting for this performance. He’s shockingly unsettling and the most committed to a role I’ve ever seen him be. Almost immediately, I forgot he was Cedric Diggory and the “beggars” guy and wanted him off the screen as quickly as possible.
4. I learned that they used a colonoscopy camera for a shot in this movie. I think I would rather get a colonoscopy than watch this movie again.
5. The film is as overly stylized as possible, switching between grainy 2000s-era footage and piercing close-ups. You can tell Lance Oppenheim is clearly really proud of his direction. I would be too.
6. There is an all-time “He said the movie title in the movie” moment. You can feel it coming, and the film just knocks it out of the park. I almost stood up and applauded.
7. This movie had a 16 million dollar budget. I’m guessing 15 million was spent on lighting. Effective lighting. Lighting that came through the screen into your soul. Colored lighting so overwhelming that you thought it would stain your skin. You think I’m joking? Go watch the movie.
8. Skyler Gisondo as “Decoy Dan,” the actor who pretends to be a child for the show, gives a devastating performance. He perfectly portrays a lamb to the slaughter, caught in a situation he never wanted, and watching him slip deeper into the delusion that he and Hansen are saving the world hurts the heart.
9. Ok fine. I’ll address the Chris Hansen stuff. Do I really have a strong opinion on Chris Hansen? Maybe. But I’m not sharing it. Whatever I think about the deeply controversial figure is irrelevant to the film. Do I think his reaction, including buying up ad slots before the movie to dissuade the audience from the legitimacy of the story, is hilarious and proving the film’s point? Yes.
10. It’s not a Chris Hansen movie; it’s an ambition movie. Every main character involved is trying, by any means necessary, to advance their career. Whether it’s Dan trying to be a successful actor, Hansen’s executive producer juggling jobs as chaos ensues or Hansen’s search for stardom and his white whale, Oppenheim explores the price of “primetime” perfectly. It’s like Moby Dick—I think. Haven’t actually read it. Call me Chris or whatever.
11. Pattinson’s impression was phenomenal, but at one point early on, he kind of sounded like Tucker Carlson, and that’s all I thought about the rest of the movie.
12. I just want to take back that “Call me Chris.” Please do not associate me with Chris Hansen.

7.5/10 – Go see it, but find a way to feel joy afterward. For me, it was a teen heartthrob and my roommate Brodie picking me up so I didn’t have to pay 45 dollars for an Uber home. Forty-five dollars? Makes you wonder who the real criminals are.