Going to school at a small, liberal arts college like Bowdoin means that friends are always close by. It's almost impossible not to run into them on your way to class, at the gym, or in the dining hall. But while close friendships are fantastic when you don't have a brunch date on Sunday morning, they can feel less ideal when you realize that your friend loves you for more than just your wonderful advice. What do you do when a good friend decides that tonight, instead of leaving Super Snack with a bagel, he or she would rather leave with you?
Telling a friend that you love them but you don't like them is the definition of "letting someone down easy." When rejecting a persistent non-friend, the message we hear is oftentimes blunt and honest. "I do certainly appreciate your taste in movies, Joe, but honestly I'd rather wake up in prison than in your bed." But with friends?those with whom you share your most precious and honest secrets?it is probably not the best idea to be too blunt. Yes, they may know all about your issues with your parents, but do you really want them to know that you can't imagine being less attracted to anyone than you are to them? Not if you'd still like them to be in your life after all is said and done.
As tempting as it might be, saying that you "aren't ready for a relationship just now" is probably not the best way to go. This might lead to a lot of friendly inquiries into your love life for the next couple of months, trying to gauge at what exact moment you will become ready to re-enter the relationship arena. And, of course, should you meet Mr. or Ms. Right, all hell just might break loose. Equally negative are any sort of evasion tactics. Pretending you thought your friend said, "In lab my peelings were blue" instead of "I have feelings for you" is not a good solution. It takes courage to ask someone out, and such a risk deserves respect and compassion.
The best strategy is honesty with a twist. Focusing your rejection on the positivity of your friendship, instead of the absence of your romantic feelings, may make the let down easier for your friends. Lines like "I don't want to ruin our friendship" or "I feel more comfortable with you as my good friend," may feel like a cop-out, but they are a good way to emphasize that you have a great friendship, and will hopefully continue to have one even though you don't want to start dating. This can also help the person feel appreciated and valued, even while being rejected. If he or she isn't getting the message, you may have to start being a bit more blunt and say something like, "I just don't feel that way about you" or "I don't feel that spark." But usually your wholehearted endorsement of your friendship should sufficiently get the point across.
The actual rejection process requires some delicate tiptoeing, but so does maintaining your friendship afterwards. It is ok to give your friend some space after you let them down easy. Don't feel the need to bring it up every time you see each other. Having one open, honest talk in which you emphasize the value of your friendship should be enough. Then hopefully the two of you can put it behind you and resume your fun-filled platonic activities. A word to the wise, however: Actions speak louder than words. Make sure that your interactions with your friend don't send mixed signals after you tell them how you feel (or how you don't feel).
If you are the friend who is having feelings for a chum, think seriously about what you want. As "middle school" as it sounds, it may not be a bad idea to do some reconnaissance. Does your friend have a romantic interest that is not you? Did your friend just go through a brutal breakup? Does your friend think that the idea of dating you is laughable? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, think about keeping your feelings to yourself, as painful as that may seem right now. Truth be told, springing something like this on a friend, especially when he or she is in a bad place emotionally or romantically, can ruin even the most solid of friendships. Think long and hard about whether this is a friendship that you would be willing to risk losing in the pursuit of love. If so, then go for it. But if not, then it's best to bide your time and enjoy this person as a friend for now. Keep yourself open to other romantic possibilities?but don't forget to make friendly inquiries into their love life, once in a while.