Matt Glatt: So who’s excited for Super Bowl Sunday in a week?
Wiley Spears: You mean Super Bowl Monday.
MG: Huh?
Mikey Jarrell: Or Tuesday.
MG: What are you talking about? I’m pretty sure they’ve decided what day the Super Bowl is going to be.
WS: Not necessarily. With the game being played in NYC, this crazy polar vortex could cause the game to be postponed, and it looks like there’s snow in the forecast. Thank Commissioner Goodell for that one.
MG: Don’t you dare take the name of New York City in vain.
MJ: Hold up, Wiley! You can’t blame Roger Goodell for the weather, and the Big Apple is a money making machine. I think this is a great idea in theory.
WS: Yeah, get back to me when the game is played on a Monday. Just imagine how much money they’re going to lose!
MJ: So what, you know everybody’s going to watch it regardless. Most people just watch for the commercials anyway.
MG: Wiley, I’m surprised you’re not more fired up about how much of a disadvantage for a warm-weather team it would be to play in the snow. I always thought the Super Bowl was supposed to be played in a neutral site, like that nice dome in Detroit.
MJ: That’s the first time “nice” and “Detroit” have been used in the same sentence.
WS: You’re spot on, Matt. The commish’ is so lucky that Denver and Seattle are the teams that made it: two teams used to bad weather.
MJ: Oh come on, that doesn’t make a lick of difference.
MG: Who are you, Phil Simms?
WS: This is a joke, right?
MJ: Remember all the noise the talking heads on ESPN were spewing out before the Wild Card round a couple weeks ago? Everybody was saying that the team used to playing in the cold would have a huge advantage playing at home. Nope! New Orleans beat Philadelphia, San Diego destroyed Cincy, and San Fran sent the Packers packing. So much for that theory.
MG: That’s a puny sample size, kid. Professor Lovett would be so disappointed in you!
WS: Alright, Mikey, then how do you explain the fact that home field advantage is stronger in the NFL than any other American sports league? How do you explain Peyton Manning’s horrible record in cold weather? How much do you think the viewership is going to take a hit if at halftime Russell Wilson has yet to complete a pass and the score is 3–2?
MJ: I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what, the most fun football game I ever saw was when the Lions played the Eagles in Philly this year. They were getting absolutely dumped on during the game. You couldn’t see the yard lines on the field, nobody could run in anything other than a straight line, and when they got tackled their helmets immediately filled with snow. It was hilarious.
WS: Hilarious? That sounds more like the Winter X Games than the Super Bowl. I’d rather watch the Puppy Bowl.
MG: Enough of this nonsense. Goodell can’t even hear you debate over the sound of his money-printing machine. Time for the highly anticipated No-Fail Predictions of the Week! Whaddaya say we make them Super Bowl relevant?
WS: Richard Sherman makes three interceptions, takes home the Lombardi Trophy with a 27–17 victory, becomes the first player drop f-bombs in two different post-game press conferences, and solidifies his place in history as the most entertaining football player of all time.
MJ: Peyton throws for three touchdowns, takes home the Lombardi Trophy with a 31-23 victory, becomes the first quarterback to lead two different teams to a Super Bowl victory, and solidifies his place in history as the greatest quarterback of all time.
MG: The game is cancelled due to a lack of interest. (Seahawks over Broncos 24–21.)