Did anyone else happen to see that shadowy figure standing on the San Diego sidelines during Sunday's AFC title game? You know, the one that looked like Darth Vader's flamboyant cousin sporting a white helmet with yellow bolts atop a dark and mysterious skull-like frame? You couldn't see his eyes, because of the black visor, nor the rest of his body, because of the giant coat (or was that a cape?) he was wearing. And the TV just kept reverting back to him throughout the entire game like a security camera would on a homeless man at Dollar Tree.

Whoever this enigmatic fellow was, he looked mean, tough, like he had nothing to prove, like someone who had never talked smack, nor ever had to back it up; he just looked fearless?he looked like a winner. But it turns out it was just LaDainian Tomlinson.

The vocal, normally unstoppable former league MVP contributed on just a few plays for the visiting Chargers before Head Coach Norv "Genius" Turner decided to bench the hobbled running back for the rest of the game with an alleged MCL sprain. It's okay, Norv. Your team will be able to compete in the 2008 AFC Title game next year with a chance to upset a team that hasn't lost in forever.

And hey Igor Olshansky, you were right! The Patriots were more nervous than you guys! So nervous in fact that Tom Brady had his worst postseason game ever, and they still managed to win convincingly. And oh, Shawne Merriman, it's pronounced "Gaff-ney." You know? Kind of sounds like "touch-down," doesn't it? Oh, that's right your team didn't score any. "Garf-ney" did though. Remember? He ran right past you. Or did you not see him because the lights were out?

What is this fascination with talking before teams actually play the big game? Why do players feel the need to assertively predict the outcome well before taking the field? Joe Namath, Mark Messier, and (rarely) Chad Johnson are the only athletes who have successfully guaranteed victory, and then ensured that their teams followed suit. Pretty impressive, right? I guess. Maybe back then. But honestly, why run the risk? I can perhaps understand the temptation when that camera gets on you; sometimes you just get caught up in the heat of the moment and want to lay down the law, set the record straight. And hey, if your prediction actually comes to fruition, you could look like a genius for a week or so, depending on both the game's, and your, importance.

But if you're wrong, well, you just look like a straight-up moron. It's totally not worth it. So while the next 10 instances below might not all be promises of victory, I have made sure that each of them are at least a variance. So let's take a look at the idiots, shall we? I guarantee to keep this AIM-language-free.

10. Me, Byfield Yankees, Spring of 1999

Being co-captain of the defending World Series Champion Byfield Yankees (Ironically I was on the town-worst Red Sox in Minor A believe it or not), I foolishly believed that I was entitled to special privileges?making guarantees being at the forefront. Having annihilated the rival Braves in Game One of the 1998 World Series in my first career start in the Spring Classic 22-3, I was brimming with confidence coming into Opening Day '99. Going up against one of my best friends, Zac, star of the Rockies, in class while reading our fifth-grade epics (Anyone remember "My Side of the Mountain"?) I told him that I was going to throw a no-hitter against them that night. Zac's younger brother John, who was also on the team, later heard the news and laughed at me giggling, "All we have to do is get a foul tip and it's over!" I felt even better about the prediction after hearing that little insightful nugget. But to make a long story short, we lost 4-2, and let's just say I let up more than a couple of hits...but the foul tips were what really killed me.

9. Johnny Damon, Boston Red Sox, Fall of 2005

After getting swept by the White Sox in the divisional series, a reporter approached the caveman and inquired about the chances the center fielder with your grandmother's arm was back with the Red Sox next season, to which Damon replied, "Hopefully I'll be here for a long time." About a month later, he signed with the Yankees, taking over for Bernie Williams with your great-grandmother's arm.

8. Ray Buchanan, Atlanta Falcons, January of 1999

The defensive back guaranteed that his dirty birds would defeat the Broncos in Super Bowl XXXIII in Miami...but that Elway guy screwed things up. Thanks for the memories though, Tim Dwight.

7. Jon Kitna, Detroit Lions, Summer of 2007

First he predicted the Lions would go 11-5, then he adhered to Beyonce and upgraded that to 12-4, flip-flopping like any leader with the initials J.K. After a promising start, Detroit ran out of gas down the stretch, and finished this season 7-9. Good improvement from years past, Matt Millen, but you're still the worst executive west of the Dolan/Thomas line.

6. Nick Saban, Miami Dolphins, December of 2006

"I'm not going to be the Alabama coach." He eventually became the Alabama coach.

5. Anthony Smith, Pittsburgh Steelers, November of 2007

"We're going to win," Smith told the Pittsburgh media during the week leading up to their date with the Patriots. "Yeah, I can guarantee a win." The Steelers got smashed 34-13, and Smith was burned at least 30 times by Randy Moss and Jabar Graffey...Garrfey? Griffey? Ahh, I forget how to say it.

4. Igor Olshansky/ Shawne Merriman, San Diego Chargers, January of 2008

(See above).

3. Mike Vanderjagt, Indianapolis Colts, January of 2005

This idiot kicker called the Patriots "ripe for the picking" after Peyton Manning's Colts blew out the Broncos 49-24 in the first round of the AFC Playoffs. New England won 20-3 en route to another Super Bowl victory. Vanderjerk scored the team's only points, and only new nickname.

2. Matt Hasselbeck, Seattle Seahawks, January of 2004

After winning the toss in overtime in his first career playoff game, the young quarterback excitedly announced in front of a dumbfounded Lambeau Field, "We want the ball and we're gonna score!" On the ensuing drive, Hasselbeck found a wide open Al Harris, who, in addition to playing for the other team, ran it all the way back the opposite way for a Green Bay touchdown, and a trip to the next round for the Packers. Hasselbeck has gone on to fail miserably when it counts the most, and to star in many a Chunky Soup Commercial.

1. Isiah Thomas, New York Knicks, January of 2008

"I believe that one day we will win a championship here. And I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. And I believe I'll be a part of that." Lol?so much for guarantees.

IBM has a powerful message for all of these guys: Stop talking. Start doing.

Thanks a lot for stopping by, you've all been terrific. I'm off to see "There Will Be Blood," starring Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee. Until next time...