It has recently been brought to my attention that sex makes people uncomfortable. That is why I think it's necessary to take a look at the word "hookup." I once again feel it is my solemn duty as your "sexpert" to avoid discussing relationships until next week and adequately unpack the term "hookup" by putting it into digestible language for y'all to understand.
You may be thinking, "This article is some perverted project of the male mind." It is. But is also very applicable because according to the "Get Some! ?Sexual Responsibility Week Resource Guide," 72 percent of college students have had some sort of sexual activity?what could be deemed a "hookup"?in the past year. That means this article applies to approximately 1,224 Bowdoinites. After casually observing last Saturday night, I can confidently say that it's now more like 1,332.
Almost everyone has a different definition of what "hooking up" actually means. I was in the library last night hanging out on my favorite couch and I asked a good female friend of mine what her definition of a hookup was. The answer went like this: "Um, well...sometimes making out can count if it is not unlike the unlikely not that it is unlikened to."
Her answer was both compelling and rich, a true marvel of rhetoric that is the hallmark of a brilliant English and psychology double major. Basically all she did was show just how much confusion surrounds such a common term.
So, with that being said, what does "hookup" mean anyway? According to my personal think tank it can be anything from a innocent peck on the lips to full out intercourse, or what the scientific community refers to as "doin' it," and/or "sexy time." Here is another interesting example of the confusion that surrounds hooking up from an IM conversation I recently oversaw?with the names changed of course.
ChadBroChill17: yo, did we hookup last night? I don't remember I was wasted! All I remember is chillin' with the bros until I drank Natty Ice.
GurlyGurl44: dude, um no, we only made out, that is not hooking up.
ChadBroChill7: yo, yes it is hooking up, I read that it is...in a book.
GurlyGurl44: dude, I know for a fact we didn't hook up, its science...
You can clearly tell by the previous conversation that ChadBroChill17 and GurlyGurl44 have vastly divergent ideas of what "hookup" means. Since these two well versed Bowdoinites don't know the meaning of "hooking up" and since it's fall and almost time for the Yankees to start their heroic playoff run, I figure what better way to talk about hookups than in terms of baseball.
Perhaps you have heard about "the bases" before in describing the level of past hookups. I think it's funny in the seventh grade monogrammed-backpack-wearing sense which is why I've created this definitive guide to halt the bickering over this problematic term that pervades everyday conversation at Bowdoin. Okay, enough examples, let's play ball!
First Base: Kissing with tongue (doing this in the Crack House basement does not count, all bets are off in the boom-boom room).
Second Base: A low-five underneath the clothes, in the vernacular it is more commonly called "heavy petting."
Third Base: It's been referred to as "extreme oral activity" by the medical establishment?which to me sounds more like a monster truck rally than anything sexual. Whatever though, if it's illegal in Texas, you know it's gotta be good.
Home plate or a home run: Congrats! Hitting a home run or finally reaching home plate after a grueling trek around the bases means you're havin' some sex.
Stealing Second Base: Sneaky, sneaky...
Strike-Out: You tried but nothing happened. A very wise man named Tucker Max once said, "Babe Ruth struck out over 1300 times. But he stepped up to the plate and took his cuts... which is also why he hit 714 home runs." Those are words to live by. You will never know unless you try.
Note: Never ever under any circumstances try to steal home. When the third base coach (your partner) says hold up, it means stop there.
Okay everyone, until next week keep it real and avoid the clap.