When pondering what to write for my first Orient column, I figured the standard "10 tips for first years" would work nicely. You know, the good ol' "go to class, eat your vegetables, don't take Organic Chemistry, etc.," but then I realized that Bowdoin has an entire support staff dedicated to helping you lil' munchkins navigate the "large and terrifying" Bowdoin campus. I now see that it is my solemn duty as Bowdoin's first male "sexpert" to help Bowdoinites navigate the murky waters around the supercharged post-adolescent sex drive. So after taking the bumpy road over the past three years without any brilliant guiding sexual light, here are my top five tips to help make your four years here a little bit smoother.
1. Don't be afraid to have multiple partners. There's a good chance you will be married for a very long time after you graduate. After working for three years at the local YMCA in my hometown, the No. 1 regret that I heard from the elderly folks was that they didn't have enough sex when were young. Apparently, these elderly ladies and gents changed their minds on how cool matrimony really is after being married for 40-plus years. Let's face it, college is the best place to get exposed to new people and ideas (yes, this includes sexual ideas, too). Never again in your life will you be exposed to such a large group of your peers. Everything goes downhill after college, so I say: Take advantage of your time here. It's the only way you will really know what you want and how you want it. Relationships take a lot of time and energy, two things that savvy Bowdoin veterans know are in very short supply. Personally, I have found casual dating to be the best way to keep grades high and stress low. Then again, don't let me deter you from finding someone special if you so choose. I'm just saying what has worked for me.
2. Bowdoinites talk about sex a lot but rarely do they know what they want. "Why?" you may ask. Perhaps it is a lack of variety and practice, or maybe it's a lack of communication. There is entirely too much mind-reading going on around sex. If you're too afraid to talk with your partner about things you want to try or things they need to improve on, then you probably aren't mature enough to be having sex in the first place. If your partner can't handle tactfully delivered constructive criticism, then he or she probably isn't a good partner.
3. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool. Nothing spoils a good semester like the clap or an unwanted pregnancy. If you are going to go into battle without a helmet, make sure that you know your status. The staff at Dudley Coe Health Center is super friendly and discreet, and the office offers free STD tests and is willing to help you explore alternative contraceptive options. Just make an appointment.
4. Take responsibility for your actions. Bowdoin is a small school, which means that your personal life will follow you more closely than your shadow. People here don't judge you on your life choices; they judge you on how you treat your peers. For instance, you can choose to be in a relationship, be single, or be a player (or a playette). Each one is a fine life choice as long as you are honest about it and treat your partner(s) with respect. In other words, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, then don't cheat. If you choose to play the field, don't lie about your feelings to a potential mate in order to procure an intimate rendezvous.
5. Don't listen to everything I say. Not everyone is doing it. Why does everyone think that people have sex in the stacks? It is because sex columnists like me say people are. I have worked in the stacks for three years, mostly at night, and I still have yet to catch anyone doing the dirty. I don't have a degree in psychology, and I don't claim to be an expert; therefore, this column must be for entertainment purposes only. But if you look closely and take my advice with a grain of salt, there may be some knowledge buried here.