The Bowdoin Orient

Natural light & Natural Ice—$75.00 each per keg

I think one of most tragic tendencies of college students nationwide is the degree to which we take for granted the early weeks of each semester. With Winter Break now safely behind us, the freshmen have had sufficient time to catch up with the rest of us in realizing just how miserable midterms and finals can be. But with this newfound knowledge comes newfound responsibility. Now, if you think I'm stressing the importance of hard work now to soften the impending scholarly blows later, you are wholly missing the point and I think it would be better for both of us if you saved copies of this paper for those who deserve it and brushed up on your inorganic chemistry.

For those of you who are still with me, my point is simply this: The purpose of each semesters' opening weeks is to figure out classes, get your room organized, buy your books, and restock essential supplies; that is, to start off your academic semester afresh and on the right foot. What this time is also for, however (and what I am trying to stress here), is to reconnect with friends. This, for many of us, directly translates into parties; and parties (again, for many of us) mean beer. Mass-ordered quantities of alcohol, in turn, often call for kegs. Thus I arrive at the age-old debate that has had frat-boys scratching their heads since the Egyptians discovered our favorite beverage: Which is better, Lite or Ice?

Now I realize that schools across the country have their lite beer of choice. Because it is my clear favorite, I would like to believe that Natural Lite represents the best of what Bowdoin students have to offer (and a fine representative at that, if I may say so). As such, I will use Natty Lite/Natty Ice as the case study for this article, with the understanding that this analysis should parlay with relative ease to other lite beer preferences and their icy counterparts. Since I have the mic, I would also like to add that readers attempting to apply this commentary to Miller High Life and High Life Lite should, in the future, save themselves the embarrassment and the money and simply drink out of their toilet, because the latter is quite possibly the worst beer ever made.

OK, so you and your roommates are having a party for you and a couple of your close female friends and decide that a keg is probably the most cost-effective avenue to take. You arrive at Uncle Tom's Market and ask for a keg of Natty Lite, and what is the first thing that always comes out of the good doctor's mouth? Well, maybe Tom thinks that Ted is, in fact, a tall and rather unattractive girl and that I need some serious help to get this party off the ground, but he always chides me for getting Lite. He instead pushes the more potent alternative. So, what is a fella to do? I will tell you exactly what you do: dim the lights, throw on A Flock of Seagulls, and let the results of many years of research guide you down the path of light-headed enlightenment.

The first characteristic of any beer that people want to know about is the taste. Now, understanding fully that we are analyzing exclusively the canon of lite and ice beers, I offer what many of you already know: Natty Lite has a taste that is second to none. Warm or cold, new or old, a can of Natty Lite will rejuvenate the senses and loosen the limbs unlike any sports drink on the market. It hydrates better than water and is way more fun to drink out of a Nalgene. It feels more at home in the palate than the pearly whites you already have and cascades down the throat more readily than middle schoolers at a water park. Thus, I would have to say that, though Natty Ice is nothing to scoff at, Lite shines in the areas of taste and smoothness: Lite—2, Ice—0.

But for the college kid throwing a large party, taste and smoothness are, in fact, often relatively low on the priority list (and rightly so). Percentage of alcohol, on the other hand, is a characteristic that wets even the driest of lips. Ice has the clear advantage. Natty Lite comes in at 4.2 alcohol by volume (ABV), while Ice boasts an impressive 5.9. So, for calculation's sake, let's assume that the ABV is 4 for Lite and 6 for Ice. That means, that for each Natty Ice you drink, you are consuming one and a half Natty Lites. Translate that to a 30-pack and that Natty Ice effectively becomes a 45 rack. And what about a keg, you ask? Do the math: 160 beers become 240 beers. So, the cost-effectiveness of buying a keg of Natty Ice versus a keg of Natty Lite is obvious: why buy 160 beers for $80 when you can buy 240 beers for the same price? Clearly, in terms of ABV and cost-effectiveness, Natty Ice is the favorite. And so: Natty Lite—2, Natty Ice—2.

Now for the all-important tie-breaker—when evaluating any fine beer, the consistency and durability of the head as well as the pungency of the aroma are essential factors to take into account. I recall fondly just the other night, cracking a can of Natural Ice, watching the foam dance playfully around the rim, and taking a long and satisfying whiff before I poured it into 10 skillfully placed cups to a chorus of Chopin's "Fantasie Impromptu in C# minor..." OK, let's be serious, no one gets a Lite or Ice beer to admire how the sunlight dances off its playful carbonation or to stand in awe of the Jell-O-like six-inch head once poured into a Solo cup. Natural Ice and Natural Lite do not smell particularly good, they look wet when poured into a cup, and they produce a lot of foam because we can't be bothered to do anything less than tipping the can completely upside down when pouring.

So in the end, it's really all about priorities. If it is really taste and smoothness that you are after and quantity may or may not come into the equation at some point in the night, the Lite choice is probably the right choice. Casual nights of Twister with the roommates may also warrant the lighter option. But when it comes time to saddle up and throw down on something more significant, getting a keg of Ice beer is really the only choice. And to illustrate this point, I offer you this: at an unidentified place on an unidentified date, my roommates and I threw a large party in which we opted for a keg of Natty Ice. Expecting relentless abuse from our female friends, we stealthily removed the keg cap and told everyone that is was Natural Lite. And do you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. Nobody said anything about the keg tasting bad, everyone had a marvelous time, and the roommate Twister turned into something a little more exciting that night. So when confronted with the same decision, always remember: "Lite is right, but Ice is twice as nice."