Who wants me?: Introducing bachelor number two
October 21, 2022
Well, the annual trial of Marriage Pact has come and gone, leaving broken hearts and more than one extremely awkward interaction in its wake. Or perhaps I’m just cynical and some of you are freshly off the market, successfully wooed by the lure of a software-determined soulmate.
If your experience was less than ideal, never fear—I may have a shorter record, but I’m willing to bet I have a higher success rate (of course, I have absolutely no evidence of this, but I like to think it’s true).
Either way, get excited to meet bachelor number two (class of ’26), who uses he/him pronouns and identifies as gay.
The following interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Feero: What’s something that instantly makes your day better?
Bachelor: There are lots of things! For instance, the squirrels here make my day better.
Q: Uh … the squirrels?
A: Yeah! Squirrels are one of my favorite animals. I think they embody the perfect blend of stupidity and incredible acrobatic know-how. And I think that seeing a squirrel live its beautiful little self-absorbed life makes every day better.
Q: If I told you that you could go home right now and binge-watch whatever you want, what would you choose?
A: I think I would have to say Seinfeld. Of the major ’90s sitcoms, you know, in my opinion, that’s the best one, not because I haven’t seen it or anything, but because I always watched it as a kid for a bit of stability and calm. And it’s also just light and fun.… I feel like I need that right now. *laughs*
Q: What is the personality trait that you’re the most proud of?
A: Maybe this is cliché, especially in this context, but I would say loyalty. I don’t make friends super quickly or even super easily, but when I do, I stick by them in a very active sort of way.… I make a major effort to check up on people. I want to be a proactive presence in the lives of the people I care about.
Q: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
A: Other than Brunswick, Maine?
Q: Well, obviously that’s the number one choice, but besides that.
A: I think at this stage in my life, I would say the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, probably right on or near Lake Superior. I love being around water, I love the forest and I’ve spent a lot of time in that part of the country—it has a lot of meaning to me even though it’s not where I’m from. I think there’s a lot of value in the experience of spirituality and wholeness in the outdoors, and I’ve been trying to focus more on that lately. I’m now realizing that I really sound like I’m pitching myself here … but that’s what I’m supposed to do right?
Q: What is the average amount of times you hit the snooze button in the morning?
A: Oh, never!
Q: Never? For real?
A: Yeah, no. Never. Well, really the thing is this: either I get up or I just turn the alarm off. I either get up, or I give in. I mean, you don’t actually have to get up, that is the crazy thing. You really can just wake up on your own terms at the time of your own choosing. Mostly.
Are you dreaming of sleeping the day away or documenting the infinitely complex life of college campus squirrels? Then I have the man for you! You know the drill by now, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org for the chance to meet our mysterious bachelor. If he says yes, you two will be one step closer to a blissful life (not guaranteed, always read the fine print). Good luck!
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