Kyra Tan

As Rupert Holmes so masterfully proves in his hit piña colada-focused song, “Escape,” the dating advertisement can be remarkably successful. If you want to help the College reach its 40 percent Bowdoin marriage success rate (or whatever number they’re claiming in info sessions these days) and be able to tell your kids that you met their mother when you responded to her profile in the Orient, then keep reading.

It’s my last year at Bowdoin, and while looking around Thorne on a Wednesday evening, I realized that I know approximately no one who goes here. Maybe that’s my own fault, but my friends say the same thing, lamenting that there’s probably one or two interesting people that we never got the chance to meet. Friend crushes that never moved past the pining phase. Somehow, we’re still stuck on the same mind-numbing icebreakers—if I hear one more time what someone’s first year brick was like three years ago, I’m transferring.

We have minimal impressions of the people who surround us while we blunder through our years here. A furtive glance in Baxter basement, that one time you saw them drop a hot dog at a BOC cookout—after which you tried to immediately wipe them from your memory—the half-baked comment they made in class because they were trying to impress Salar Mohandesi but they unfortunately mixed up socialism and capitalism.

What we need is a return to tradition: good old-fashioned matchmaking. My goal is to succeed where various softwares of the past year have failed, but with a twist. You actually get a choice this time, so you (probably) won’t match with your roommate’s ex.

I intend to match some of you wonderful Bowdoin people without relying on half-hearted ice breakers. Every other week, I’ll interview one fantastic (and single!) member of the Bowdoin student body completely anonymously. Using questions inspired by the New York Times’ list of 36 Questions That Lead to Love, I will profile Bowdoin’s bachelors and bachelorettes to try to uncover who they are beneath the surface. No more “what’s your name?,” “where are you from?” or “who was your pre-o leader?” Instead, I will be asking about your embarrassing stories, childhood dreams and what you are looking for in a partner. I hope to create a platform through which to connect students who may have missed each other in all the small talk.

If you think someone I feature is potential soulmate material, you can email me at mfeero@bowdoin.edu with a declaration of love and why you think you’re a match (poems are encouraged). I’ll consult with the eligible bachelor/bachelorette, and if they share your feelings, I’ll put you two lovebirds in touch. Or, if you’re more of the actively-searching-for-the-one type, you can email me to be featured.