Optical illusions: The power of sight in lust and intimacy

Sexually Suggestive: ?On the first day of (se)xmas, my true love gave to me...?

Despite the fact that most of us have less than 12 days left on campus, i.e., less than 12 days to get all of our work done, confirm travel plans, pack up our stuff and say goodbye to friends, I thought it might be cute, in the spirit of the holidays, to give some suggestions for end of semester sex relations?that is, if you can even find the time to hook-up in this maelstrom of papers and exams.

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When I was 11, I found the repeat button on my stereo system. Dave Matthews' "Before These Crowded Streets" was spinning around in the CD player and before long, track number eight, "Crush," was looping sweet sounds in and out of my ears for hours on end. There's a part in that song—"Let's go drive 'till morning comes, and watch the sunrise and fill our souls up"—that blew me away the first time I heard it. Those words were so real I could almost taste them. It was like Dave was talking to me, telling me what love was going to be like.

Sexually Suggestive

Optical illusions: The power of sight in lust and intimacy

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

January 30, 2009

Hello Bowdoin. You look great. And it's so good to see you—it's been so long since I've seen you. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? I can't see you, and you can't see me either. Then again, you do know what I look like, because my picture is printed at the top of this column. So, if you see me walking toward the Union today you might recognize me, but would you say hello—would you give me eye contact?

Sight can be a tricky thing. Particularly in the realm of sex and relationships, it seems to me, sight can be problematic. For most of us, from the moment we wake up to the moment we close our eyes to go to sleep at night, the better portion of our days are spent with our eyes open, processing all kinds of information. But when we speak about sight with regard to sex and romantic involvement, we most often refer to a type of seeing that supersedes vision. In sex and relationships, we speak of a more conscious and biased effort to create a certain type of seeing—to manufacture a visual scenario which can then be translated into an emotional and/or physical relationship.

Think about some of the words and phrases that we use to describe sexual and romantic relations between people: "I'm seeing someone right now;" "I'm looking for something/someone;" "I gave her the look;" "He's giving you some serious eye contact right now." But what does it all mean? Of course, when I say that I'm seeing someone, it doesn't mean that I've somehow developed the ability to actually view that person 24 hours a day; however, it does suggest that I've developed a relationship with another person, which incorporates a certain type of mutual possession. The same goes for a phrase like, "I've been eyeing that girl from across the room all night." It seems to be that an implicit sense of ownership or possession underlies our sense of romantic and sexual vision.

And when I say "ownership" and "possession" I use these terms in their broadest senses. I think there is something to be said for the moment of recognition—when eye contact incites a certain type of bond between two people, if only momentarily, tying them together in a very profound way. To what else can we attribute the time honored adage of "love at first sight?" In the world of sexual and romantic intimacy, sight serves a far more complex role than the unconscious biological processes of human vision. This type of sight encompasses a wide range of emotions and skewed mental functions that play out in the most interesting ways between people.

For instance, why is it that when I see someone that I have a crush on, my stomach starts to feel like its doing flips and my heart starts beating faster as it makes its way up into my throat? Why do I have a collection of glances engraved in my memory from people in my romantic and sexual past, reminding me of the pleasure and pain of intimacy? Why is it that when I'm about to kiss someone I anticipate it in their eyes first, but then my eyes close almost automatically as our lips touch? And how did I develop the inexplicable ability to see only physical beauty in the face and figure of someone I want, like, or love, no matter what they actually look like?

Obviously, my eyes have been playing tricks on me. Or, perhaps my emotions have been playing tricks on my eyes. I can't really be sure of the cause, but I'm well acquainted with the effect of "intimate sight." Instead of seeing what's actually in front of my eyes, I see a particular version of someone or something. It's a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I love the adrenaline rush I get from an intimate connection through sight, on the other hand, sometimes I think I could do without my eyes when they register the sight of someone who is unattainable to me, someone I used to love, or someone I'd rather not see ever again.

For me, this idea of "intimate sight" is an unavoidable aspect of the human condition. To some extent, I will always be creating my own version of the truth when I physically see someone or something in an intimate context. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. As long as I can look at someone I love and see perfection in places that no one else does, I think I can handle any other optical illusions that sex and romance decide to implant on my retina.

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