Novelty boxers: The forgotten layer that can be hot or...not

Kidnapped by Style: Layering: The key to comfort and sophistication this winter

For some reason, the weather has been pretty good since returning from break. Having come back to a snowy, watery, slushy campus in the past, I expect the worst of Maine weather. Recently, however, I have been pleasantly surprised by temperatures reaching well into the 40s. So much for Bowdoin and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Season. But the weather forecast seems to think that this shift toward uncomfortable will occur sometime in the next few days, and what that forecast means besides the crippling realization that warmth will not come back until May (and the ensuing Seasonal Affective Disorder), is that wardrobes will shift from light summer/autumn clothes to heavier winter clothing.

Kidnapped by Style: When shopping for authentic yet affordable styles, go vintage

All of a sudden, I had an urge to purchase a pair of cowboy boots. I think it started the night that I watched "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" with friends—friends who insisted on wearing cowboy boots themselves while watching a movie replete with a like-booted cast. "They're awesome, and they add just a bit of height," one friend says. The last-described characteristic of the boots attracted me especially, for, dear readers, your columnist has always looked for ways to artificially increase his diminutive height. (And before you suggest heel inserts, let me tell you, I have been there. My middle school years were spent with said inserts and, unfortunately, inserts are forever tied to those painful years of life, so alas, I must move on).

Kidnapped by Style

Novelty boxers: The forgotten layer that can be hot or...not

January 23, 2009

This week, I present a list I've created. It begins with stripes and solids, flowers and dots, plain and plaid, then moves to penguins and polar bears, darts, dartboards, and dogs, and finally, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." The patterns can be camouflaged or even glow-in-the-dark. Many patterns may be commonly seen on a wide variety of clothing, from button-downs to waffle tees. For some, the list can go on to include smiley faces and "witty" sayings like, "Hold It Up High," "Wanna Pet My Monkey?" and "I Am The King!" When the list moves on to these other, more imaginative elements, there can be no doubt as to what the list catalogues: men's underwear. More specifically, boxers.

I've chosen this topic in the wake of the holidays for two reasons. Firstly, thinking back before the break (it's hard to stomach for me, too), my last column suggested layering as a way to combat the bitter Maine cold. In that column, I concluded that a good outfit should make a point to reveal rather than hide the layers beneath. I should have written in that column (though I didn't really see a need to be explicit) that one layer in most cases, should remain covered?the underwear layer. Exposure is cute and arguably sexy at times, but for most, the time in the late nineties/ early "naughties" where pants were best worn around the mid-butt area has thankfully passed.

Secondly, we have just passed a giving season where, I believe, giving of the novelty boxer is more common than at any other time of the year. Indeed, I witnessed one friend give another a pair of the aforementioned glow-in-the-dark boxers; hilarity ensued. I remember it was a year ago that my own brother gave me "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" boxers over Christmas with the family; awkward moments ensued. With the wide variety of reindeer and Santa Claus patterns on the Joe Boxer Web site I can, with much certainty, surmise that I was not alone in my awkward holiday moment.

(Women take note: It may seem like this column is very male-centric, offering little information to the female readership, but there are probably a few female readers that have purchased or thought about purchasing boxers like this for male friends as a gag gift. I know from experience that, though they are not meant as serious gifts ever to be used, they are often uncomfortably forced into duty when times are rough. Or when said male runs out of laundry. At these times, those white boxers that my "friend" once gave me with another (male) friend's face silk-screened over the crotch make the inevitable shift from hilarious to embarrassing, if only to me when I go to use the bathroom).

Esquire magazine offers some insight on this issue. Though it doesn't explicitly address the boxer short, it does offer a general style tip that anyone should work to take on. "The Portable Style Manifesto" states: "Something on your person should always make a statement, and that statement should preferably be 'Go to Hell.' Say it with socks, with a tie, or with a great pair of pants, and say it often." Ok, so that rule works toward explaining why I found "Santa's Middle Finger Boxer Shorts" for sale online while searching for this column. Still, the boxers with the devil horns in repeating patterns around the crotch seem to say, "my crotch is Hell" more strongly than "go to Hell."

Let's move one step less absurd to the most ubiquitous boxer-short pattern: plaid. Even Wikipedia has a picture of plaid boxers on the page for "boxer shorts." I ask, "What kind of message does the plaid pattern send?" Perhaps, "My man-bits are rugged like a lumberjack?" Or, as my roommate articulated, "Yeah, to give the impression that under your pants, you're cutting down wood." But even he said, one pregnant pause later, "No wait. That sounds terrible."

In the end, there should be more thought that goes behind choosing the boxers for the day. I will never give up my polar bear boxers (because I think they look cool and Bowdoin-y), but I will never, if I can help it, wear those horrifying, male-friend's-face boxers again. Undoubtedly, there are some men that might enjoy the slogan "Wanna Pet My Monkey?" emblazoned across their privates. I'd implore you to reach for something a bit more tasteful because, in the end, who is going to see the question and, therefore, be asked the question the most frequently? The truth is that you, the wearer, are only asking yourself if you "wanna pet your monkey." Think about that, and try to tell me I'm wrong.

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