Torn between two races: complications of a mixed identity

Mixed Review: Double take: recognizing the power dynamics in daily interactions

In early January, my mother and I attended a “Drunk TED Talk” in Brooklyn, New York. The event sold more tickets than there were seats, so many of the attendants had to occupy whatever standing room they could find. For two friends this meant standing right in front of the seats I was reserving for myself and my mom, who, at the time, was at the bar. One of the women clearly did not notice that she was piling her belongings on top of my mom’s purse which I knew she would need to access again before the show began. When I tried to tell her, she abruptly cut me off and in a rather coarse manner said, “Relax, I’m not going to steal the seat,” before rolling her eyes as she turned back to her friend. This irked me, and in response I assertively retrieved the bag from underneath the stranger’s things, admittedly with the intention of conveying my displeasure. I am not sure what I expected to happen, but it turns out that all this did was escalate tensions between our two respective parties.
As the show began, I started to regret how I conducted myself. Yes, she was rude, but I did not need to resort to combative tactics to protect my mom’s purse. So at intermission, I decided to apologize for coming off so aggressively. I had pictured my apology to being reciprocated by this unfamiliar adversary, but it was not. She again was rude and rolled her eyes. Initially I thought, “Well, screw her, she is simply less mature than I am and frankly, I don’t really care if I’ve upset someone like that.” The more I thought about it, though, I realized my immediate reaction was unfair, which led me to two conclusions that I had previously not considered.
The first and more obvious is that the point of an apology is not to evoke a similar sense of remorse from the engaged person in order to relieve oneself from experiencing guilt and embarrassment. I should apologize only because I recognized that my behavior as inappropriate and that I could have acted in a more constructive manner.
The second conclusion was that this woman was operating in a sphere of concern that I was and am not. Many men have the tendency (though not always intentionally) to be not only creepy and intrusive in social settings such as the one we were in, but also aggressive, persistent and disruptive. It is not uncommon for men to engage women, often rather forcefully, in interactions they neither wanted nor welcomed. I know this to be true not only because I have been told, but also because I have both witnessed it and probably have been a part of it. Now, I sincerely had no alternative motive in this instance: my sole purpose of speaking to this complete stranger was to get my mother’s bag. However, her response, though I still believe it was unnecessary, was a (likely) understandable one considering the context. Her crudeness was quite possibly a reaction to a reality that she faces on a daily basis as a woman. In our world of normalized power dynamics, those who get the short end of the stick have the burden of interpreting behaviors as specifically inappropriate or not. Not every accusation of sexism or racism or homophobia is going to be accurate. That being said, it does make sense that such claims will be made.
For those of us who find themselves in the midst of these misunderstandings, it is important to take this into consideration in our pursuit of a solution. Additionally, we must really ask ourselves if these claims do not lack truth. Before getting defensive we should be reflective. Instead of being so quick to defend ourselves we should prioritize self assessment so as to make sure we are not guilty of unacceptable action. If we refrain from doing this, we may justify and thus perpetuate such behaviors. As the beneficiaries of power dynamics, it is anyone in a power position’s responsibility to hold ourselves and each other accountable for potentially taking advantage of our positions in any type of hierarchy. Making sure the world is comfortable for those not in positions of power is part of that responsibility.

Mixed Review

Torn between two races: complications of a mixed identity

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

November 4, 2016

I imagine that I am not the only mixed person who is frequently asked about their racial and/or cultural identity. Though I consider such questions to be rather unfair, I still possess a clear and thorough answer. However, my answer is less important than my reasoning. If you do not understand why I identify as I do, then there is no point of knowing.

Perhaps a better question to start with is one about my mixed experience; what is it like to be mixed? Good question! For me being mixed is awkward, complicated and even controversial. People always make assumptions or estimates about how Black I am. I must confess that I find entertainment in watching friends and peers awkwardly approach me about racial matters. Being that I am both black and white, they often do not know where I fall on such issues. “All lives or black lives? What do you think about Kaepernick? Would he care if I said the N word?” Often people will wait until I answer these questions to share their insights so they can cater to my answers to not cross any lines. I do not know if my exposure to this type of behavior is exclusively because I am mixed, but it is most certainly part of it. Being mixed has shown me that many people’s primary concern in discussion is to not be perceived as racist, not to actually dismantle racism. Others are not so afraid to speak their mind or to define my identity for me. They are comfortable enough to express a racist thought or make a racist remark assuming I won’t care because “he’s only half.” Sometimes, they take the liberty of telling me that I cannot care because my minority perspective lacks validity. It is not uncommon for me to be told what type of black person I am: “scholarly black,” “you’re like Drake or Austin Rivers,” “well dressed,” “well spoken,” “white-black kid,” “Oreo.”

Not long ago, I realized that removed from what being mixed means to my self identification, it prompts others to see me for what I am not. I am constantly reminded of what stereotypes I fail to live up to and what cultural/ethnic/racial influences and attributes I lack, while simultaneously being reminded—humorously—of into which ones I fit. For this reason, I have often felt like I am on a stage in front of a divided audience performing two different shows at once. This being an impossible task; I have to choose one script to commit to, which will inevitably disappoint a large portion of the crowd. Picking one audience over another is hard, especially when you have loved ones on both sides. Simple Facebook shares or expressions of opinion can make holidays uncomfortable and even tense. Sometimes, this difference in outlook or understanding of our racial state means not talking to your cousin for a few months and other times, it means losing a family member’s general support of your interests and pursuits. Being mixed has complicated many of my relationships with family and friends. It is hard to feel connected to people or a groups after a significant racial disagreement—though I try to remember their perspective does not fully define them. Instead, I have learned to recognize it as a small reflection of their character and a big reflection of their influence. It is never fun to strain an important relationship, so I have often avoided such topics.

All that said, being mixed has been a wonderful experience. It has meant that at times people recognize my beliefs about race as directly tied to my racial makeup (they believe my beliefs about racism are only as they are because I’m Black). I would argue that this is most certainly not true. While my experience being mixed may contribute to my opinion, it is not the driving force. Instead, my opinions regarding race exist because they align with my morals and my understanding of how people should be treated. When one person presents to another ideas that are not easily understood, the receptive party should not see this misunderstanding as an attribute of difference (especially not of racial or gender difference). Generally, when people complain about being mistreated, it should be looked at as more than just a different opinion. We should make it a priority to address these issues. If their complaints are valid then adjustment from the offending party is necessary. After all, we all agree that if we are doing something wrong, even if unintentionally, we should stop doing it. It’s not just a mixed thing or a Black thing, but a people thing.

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