This month, your esteemed critics were faced with a predicament that has plagued sitcom writers since the beginning of time—namely whether to produce a holiday-themed installment before or after the true day of celebration. Luckily, fulfilling our remaining Kickstarter rewards from last semester’s wildly successful $135 bacchanalia impressed upon us the necessity of delivering this review in advance of Passover. Thus, we have finally brought to fruition Will’s sororal obligation to sample Manischewitz Concord Grape wine.

While France and Israel have both developed robust Kosher wine industries, the Manischewitz bottle is what most American Jews reach for when celebrating Seder or Shabbat. Despite Martin’s preemptive chiding by a fellow Hannaford shopper when purchasing the wine, our consumption took place under decidedly non-ceremonial circumstances. However, we took care to pair our drinking with one of Manischewitz’s other Kosher offerings: Everything Matzah—an essential nosh not only for times of lessened leaven, but also for all 353, 354, 355, 383, 384 or 385 days of the lunar year.

The Passover season also allowed your esteemed critics to indulge their shared passion for musical theater, as the obvious soundtrack to our night’s proceedings was “Fiddler on the Roof.” Though we at first erroneously settled upon the 1995 Anthony Newley rendition, we were quick to correct our mistake and substitute in the exemplary original 1964 cast recording, anchored by legendary thespian Zero Mostel. The emotional roller coaster we rode from “Prologue: Tradition” to “Anatevka” proved the perfect accompaniment to our prolonged consumption of the generously sized bottle.

Though the 1.5L Magnum ($8.99) provided double the usual quantity of wine, its wide neck foiled our normal decanting method with the VinOair. Even without this aerating augmentation, the Vitis labrusca-corn syrup medley manifested itself in a powerfully “grapey” nose and mucilaginous mouthfeel. We immediately had transcultural flashbacks to the Scuppernong debacle of last January 29, but the ritualistic qualities of the Manischewitz proved much more comforting than its similarly sweet cousin. We were then transported even further back to the tweenage joy—real and imagined—of swallowing thimblesworths of “Mani” at bar and bat mitzvahs, dreams of adult beverage adulation whirring in our heads.

Now ready to make good on those earlier aspirations, we find that this wine performed poorly by every single college metric we have developed to date. However lacking in taste the Manischewitz may have been, it more than succeeded in reminding us of the rich cultural heritage of the Jewish people. Recreational Manischewitz use may prove to be unwise, and JSwipe may not pass muster as a digital Yente, but as we neared the end of the bottle, our yearning for connection was satisfied. Chag Sameach!
 
Additional Notes:

Tonight’s Soundtrack: “Fiddler on the Roof” (Original Broadway Cast Recording)
Will: “Can my quote be, ‘Could whoever took my boots with yellow laces from Red Brick please them return to me?’”
Martin: “If I was an Israeli trap DJ, my name would be ‘Lazer Wolf.’”
 
Nose: 3.6/5
Body: 1.8/5
Mouthfeel: 1.8/5
Legs: 3.6/5
Taste: 1.8/5