The Bowdoin Orient

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of having a conversation that inspired me to think about something that a lot of people seem to have opinions about—something about which everyone says, “This is something we need to address, something that needs a facilitated discussion.” Yet, in my lifetime, I haven’t seen one come to fruition. That would be the issue of a double standard between men and women. My own opinion, which will be quite honestly and personally expressed throughout the remainder of this piece, has remained unwavering as I constantly find myself in situations that strengthen what I already believe.

The conversation took place during a small gathering (I won’t say party because it wasn’t, but not something unlike a party) with a boy in my year who I know vaguely and who I have talked to so little that I could probably count the number of our interactions on one hand. In the midst of the polite conversation that you have with somebody you don’t know very well, he says to me, “You’re a nice girl.” 

Slightly taken aback, I thank him, though unsure as to why he said it. He then proceeds to tell me that his good friend and teammate—who I’ve known, shall we say, intimately—has told him and some of their other friends things about me that weren’t so good. Upon further prompting he tells me, “He said you don’t respect yourself.” This he follows up with a declaration that he believes in my virtue, and now that he’s had the chance to get to know me better, he realizes his friend is an idiot. He’s right.

I once heard the term “slut” defined as “a woman with the morals of a man.” I see a problem with this definition however, because that implies that a man is a man no matter how he behaves, yet a woman is free to be labeled as any type of epithet depending on her behavior. Secondly, people react on complete opposite ends of the spectrum when listening to men and women’s debaucheries. I can almost guarantee that nobody has been going around saying that the guy I slept with doesn’t respect himself.

This is where I see the double standard kick in. In this day and age, with the media culture we live in, sex isn’t taboo anymore. Forgive me for sounding like my parents when I say that today’s standards have changed the meaning of sex (an argument for another piece), but in some respects, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. We should love and celebrate our bodies, not be ashamed of them, and I think our culture is making that a more acceptable perspective now. 

Yet if a woman decides to sleep with a man she’s not committed to or if she decides to sleep with more than one man, she’s deemed a slut. I honestly don’t think I can say the same about a man. When a man sleeps around, he’s a hero amongst his friends and a jerk amongst the girls he won’t commit to. But everyone accepts this behavior. No gossip spreads and passive aggressive comments aren’t aimed in his direction.

So what’s so special about the scenario I just described, when that argument has been around for years? Well, probably nothing. I just have a couple reasons why I think it’s pathetic that we’re still treating people in this way. That being said, I can only speak for myself and what I have experienced and learned along the way.

First, it’s college. Look around. I have no statistical evidence to support my claims, and I’m also horrible at math, but I’m pretty sure more people than not are involved in the hookup culture here to one extent or another. Is every girl that’s having sex with someone she’s not dating considered a slut? Does she not respect herself? If the answers to those questions are no, then what makes one girl different from another? And who gets to decide? College is an experimental time in so many ways. We’re all trying to figure out what we want after we graduate, what we want in life. That doesn’t apply solely to academics.

Secondly, is the lovely young gentleman that so politely pointed out my lack of self-respect not equally as responsible for what transpired between us? Who is he to tell me that I don’t respect myself? I am fully aware of every decision I make and how I make them. I contemplate what I want to do, and I make sure that I’m completely comfortable in any situation. I make decisions for myself, and I do what makes me happy. That’s not to say I don’t make mistakes, but that’s how I’ve been able to grow to understand myself more fully. By acknowledging those things about me, I know what I need to do in order to respect myself. And I do, so forgive me if standing around waiting for him to acknowledge me again after he’s  been “respecting himself” with any other girl is not how I choose to show it.