What does it mean to have sex? How about “participate in sexual activity” or “engage in sexual intercourse”? These phrases carry meanings that you might not expect. “Having” sex suggests possession. When people physically pleasure each other, are they handling an object? Well, maybe, if that thing is a phallus. But if “sex” is in the penis, can two women not do it? If you’re “having sex,” must there always be a man?

What if a man says he “had sex with a woman”? In the construction of this sentence, sex is something the man does by himself, alongside a female. His partner might as well be a Fleshlight. It seems sex is not something you do but something you have. People can have sex with each other, but the “sex” is their own—our gender and sexuality exists regardless of who’s around. 

Maybe sex is a feeling. But if sex isn’t action, how does it start and end? Maybe we don’t understand it. “Having” is static but we use “sex” to signify motion.  “To have sex” is intransitive, but it insists on possession.

Objectifying sex makes it a tool, and tools exist for specific purposes. The noun “sex” suggests that we use “sex” for something. Sex can produce pleasure, power or babies. But couldn’t it exist for itself? Fixating on ends removes us from the present. Even if we get what we want, the intricacy of sexuality in real life differs from the ideal. 

Sexual behavior becomes a treasure hunt, with “sex” as a prize. In our society, the practice and symbols of patriarchy insist that men earn this prize and women keep it. Sex as a gendered transaction is dangerous. Because they find self-worth in possessing the sex object, many men have abused and commodified women. Language is one of many factors that cause sexual violence. Diction influences action.

In both speaking and writing, “to have sex” feels wrong or inadequate. Sometimes, it’s the most acceptable phrase. But “having sex” makes awkward writing. Sometimes, only “fucking” works. 

“Fuck” is a beautiful word. It’s mildly shocking and taboo, but still comforting and familiar. “Fuck,” like what it signifies, is universal, even if it doesn’t belong in polite conversation. “Sex” ends on an “x.” The word constricts its speakers, cuts short. “Fuck” is an expression. It can be the sudden outburst of a stumbling pedestrian or the drawn-out sigh of a student remembering an assignment. According to Woody Allen, “Sex releases tension; love causes it.” Let’s revise that: “sex” makes you inhale; “fuck” lets you exhale.

Linguistic and semantic details may seem insignificant, but words structure our societies and define our identities. The most common words often hit the hardest. When writing, I struggle with third-person pronouns. “He,” “she,” “s/he” or “they” can affect an entire paper. Language is identity. Words let us find and express ourselves. No intercourse is isolated—language and sexuality are related processes of self-discovery—social context creates meaning, and words create context. 

“Fuck” is egalitarian. “He” can fuck “her,” “she” can fuck “her” or “we” can just fuck. Even if we can’t define “sex,” we intuitively understand “fucking.” It’s the label that we need, and it defines itself. So forget about having sex. Control the language that controls you. Relish the verb, not the noun, the action, not the object and the fucking, not the sex. In the words of Afroman: “Fuck on the bed, fuck on the floor. Fuck so long you grow a fucking Afro.”