What if: departmental dominance at Bowdoin

Dave's Digressions: Long Maine winters perpetuate 'ugliness'

Winter makes people ugly. Before I get my head taken off by angry readers for that statement (since apparently saying people are ugly is a capital offense to some), let me clarify my position. I am not saying that winter changes people's physical attributes for the worse?as far as I know, no one grows a second head or a tail with the advent of the cold. Rather, there is something about winter that makes people both look ugly and act ugly. And with the delightfully long winter here in Maine, there is a lot of ugliness.

Dave's Digressions: Senioritis syndrome: unavoidable, incurable

The combination of high-level classes, concern about plans for the future, and the desire to spend time with those we may never see again contribute to a very difficult year for seniors. Because of this, many students become afflicted with the phenomenon of senioritis, meaning they seem to just kind of give up on caring about schoolwork. While it certainly is not something to be proud of, senioritis tends to be one of those things you just can't avoid in college, like cheap beer, all night study sessions, and burning when you pee.

Dave's Digressions

What if: departmental dominance at Bowdoin

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

April 8, 2005

One of the joys of a liberal arts education is experiencing the variety of courses and majors that people are in. Quite obviously, one's worldview is affected by the discipline one studies. For example, it is a joy to hear an economics major and a sociology major debate politics?just like Fox News, except Bowdoin students know how to speak in complete sentences.

But think about how the College would be if things were different, if one department held much more power than the others. Think, for instance, if somehow one department was in charge of setting the curriculum and the policies for the entire school. I have thought about this, and at length.

I urge all of you to keep in mind that these potential scenarios are pure speculation, and are designed solely for the humor and enjoyment of the reading audience. My intention is not to disparage any of these departments, their students, or the professors within them. That being said, imagine if:

Biology ran the school?Students would be required to take six courses a semester, and at least six hours worth of labs a week. As a tradeoff, once a student has taken the MCATs, applied, and been accepted to medical school, he/she is free to stop coming to class, doing the work, or in any way caring about school.

Classics ran the school?Togas worn to class give students an automatic plus 10 on final grades. Everyone is required to learn at least one language that is no longer spoken anywhere in the world, and is required to constantly repeat that said language will help them understand everything else in life.

Economics ran the school? To cut down on overhead, the school eliminates all programs that do not either bring money to the school or the potential for future money.

All aspects of life at Bowdoin would be administered on a curve. For example, top students would receive Pine Street apartments as singles, while those at the bottom of the classes would be put in Chamberlain doubles four at a time. While some might call this unfair, the administration defends the policy by saying that it encourages those at the bottom to work harder and get to the top.

English ran the school?Exams would be entirely abolished, with all grades being given on the basis of extremely broad essays on some vague topic. The College implements a dress code, with students being required to wear either plaid jackets (pipe optional) or an all-black ensemble to class every day. The title of Freshman Orientation Week is changed to "Understanding the Pain that is Post-Modern Life."

Government ran the school?All class sizes would be expanded to 75 students, with the exception of theory classes, which are capped at 35 still but average 10 students apiece. Class participation becomes 30 percent of overall grade, but the content of what you say is not important?grading is based solely on how long and how loudly you speak.

Philosophy ran the school?All existing dorms and dining halls are destroyed, since such physical comforts as food and shelter only distract from the pursuits of the mind. Students are graded on a combination of papers, class participation, and self-importance.

Sociology ran the school?No one is allowed to actually matriculate until they have identified at least four separate groups of people that they belong to. Mandatory intro courses include "Why the US has Failed the Rest of the World," "Why the Rich Will Burn in Hell," and "Why We Should All Hate our Racist, Patriarchal, Dominating Selves." As part of a job-preparation program, all juniors and seniors will be required to intern with either the local McDonalds, Wal-Mart, or Dominos.

Visual Arts ran the school?Despite protests from Brunswick residents, the new Graffiti Arts major goes ahead as planned, with class meetings held at midnight near the walls of local businesses. Each student is required to do either an independent study or an honors project, which seem suspiciously like what they do in the rest of their classes. Remaining economics students lobby to have 'Graph-drawing' declared an artistic medium, but their requests are denied.

Women's Studies ran the school?All students receive As by showing up for Orientation.

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