Polar Bears be warned, procrastination has a new name: BowdoinMatch. Perhaps you've been living under a rock this week? Allow me to explain. Bowdoin has signed up to receive what amounts to an internet dating service. Apparently some kids at Wesleyan started it but it looks pretty professional to me; Colby, Williams, and Oberlin are also on it. And of course I couldn't let an opportunity like this pass without a mention in the column, so this week I investigate THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF BOWDOINMATCH.
The way this thing works is that you go to www.bowdoinmatch.com and it is somehow already linked up to our email server so that you just basically log in with your email name and it sends you a confirmation of registration in a couple of minutes and you're off. But really, that's just the beginning because now you get to answer a million and a half multiple-choice questions about yourself and what you are looking for in a mate. These witty questions range from your study habits to your political preference. For example: "#6 Sex Drive". The options are: "I've seen naked people in National Geographic," "I enjoy a good make-out session," "I read the Orient's Sex Column," "I've given an extended massive orgasm," "I wrote the book on extended massive orgasms," or "I don't want to answer," which, fortunately, is an option for every question. (I read the Orient's Sex Column? Ha! I write the Orient's Sex Column!)
After you have answered all of the questions you can create a profile for yourself and then the program shows you all of the people you are compatible with, how compatible you two are, and whether or not you are what the other is looking for in the mate (i.e. whether or not your love with be unrequited). And wait, get this, you can also see whom you are compatible with at all the other registered colleges! Or you can just do a random search of profiles! And if you like someone you can tell the service but the other person will never know you said you liked them unless they say (unprompted) that they like you! Oh my lord, to think that I wasted all those hours on Friendster...
But what does BowdoinMatch really do for us, other than give us a very in-depth, tailor-made stalkernet? First and foremost, it gives us the best pickup line since Bowdoin went coed. "Hey [insert crush's name] did you see we're a match?" And it's pretty cool to get to be so picky about what you're looking for. Because it goes into such detail, you can skip that awkward "getting to know you" period when you discover that the really hot girl in your Spanish class actually lives under her H&L honors project carrel and you really don't have anything in common at all. Or that the thing she looks for most in a mate is someone who talks a lot and you're pretty shy. I mean, basically you get to build the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend and see who comes the closest. It's quite a lot of fun.
BowdoinMatch does, however, have its downsides. Do you lose hope if your crush is not technically compatible? No! If two people really like each other, it doesn't matter what some stupid online survey says. Nothing electronic can measure attraction or the chemistry that attracts couples.
I could imagine that it could start to get kind of sketchy. What do you do once you have a list of people you could potentially date and you don't know any of them? I would have to say that on a certain level this works but I would NOT recommend stalking someone down just because the "algorithm" says you two are 48.9 percent compatible. In fact, I beg you not to.
Not to mention that the potential awkwardness level is absolutely through the roof. What if you find out that you're compatible with your best friend's girlfriend? Or, as my roommate did, find out that you're 75 percent compatible with your sixth grade boyfriend who now goes to Wesleyan? That's just weird.
I think the worst part about BowdoinMatch is how it makes it even easier for people to wimp out and not take action when they like someone. As I said, someone being on your list or not on your list doesn't actually mean that much. It's really pretty cool if it turns out that someone you are interested in is compatible with you but I would hate it if this stopped anyone from asking someone out, or telling someone they like them. Just because someone is on your list does not mean you can sit around and wait for them to hook up with you.
What it comes down to is that BowdoinMatch is super fun and, honestly, the worst thing to happen to finals (couldn't they have picked a better time to release this? No one's going to get anything done!) but it shouldn't be taken too seriously. Here's what I hope happens: that a few people find out that they and their crush are compatible and one asks the other out; here's what I hope doesn't happen: that people keep changing their answers to make themselves compatible with everyone and just sit around reading profiles.
So if you're interested, check it out-you might just find that spring fling I was talking about last week. Happy matching!
Writer's note:
I would like to apologize for my article last week, which was a re-print of an article I wrote last spring. It had been a very popular column last year and multiple people had approached me recently to say they thought it would still be appropriate this year for various reasons and, moreover, that they would like to see it again. I acquiesced and sent the column to my editor without warning him that the Orient had already published it. I did not mean any harm by this, rather I was only trying to appease the people who expressed interest in seeing it again. I respect and appreciate that the Orient tries to produce a unique issue every week and I did not intend to impede the efforts of the editorial staff-I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone by this act and if I did I am deeply sorry.