After a week of sexy consent stories, sexy e-mails, sexy sunglasses and even a sex etiquette dinner, I thought it was only appropriate to keep this sexy discussion rolling. So what about consent. What's it like at Bowdoin? Why does it matter? And most importantly, is it really that sexy?
As with many students on this campus, I feel pretty knowledgeable about issues regarding sexual consent, particularly on a college campus. That said, I still but wanted to hear it from the perspective of some of Bowdoin's most widely-known sex educators, our very own Shana Natelson '10 and Brian Fry '10.
To get us started, Shana clarified Bowdoin's definition of consent: "Words or actions that show a voluntary agreement to engage in mutually agreed-upon sexual activity."
OK. So many of us already know this. Whether this is definition is new to you or not, you might be wondering if this whole consent thing can ever be sexy. The short answer? Yes, it absolutely can be; in fact, it's a huge turn-on for most people. And here are some of the reasons why.
As Brian suggests, "asking for consent, no matter how awkward it can seem, is still really sexy because it shows that you care about the other person and what he/she really wants." He also emphasized that "confidence is the biggest turn on." And he's right; feeling comfortable with who you are to the extent that you can share that energy with others is genuinely attractive.
So what happens once you do give consent? Does that mean that the sex is inevitably going to be good?
Put simply, Shana claims that "Sex is better when you give a s*** about the person you're with." Although consent certainly is sexy, why not have consensual sex with someone whom you are truly interested in? In all likelihood, it will feel much better, and ultimately will help you appreciate sex not just for the sake of sex, but for the intimate bond you can share with your partner, whether it's a serious relationship or a one-night stand.
So I asked the daring question: "What do you do when the worst-case scenario happens—when one person says "no"?
Brian spoke up to this one: "Well, it can certainly be awkward as hell. But the good news is that the only person who feels a bit uncomfortable is you. Also, after you ask, you know where the rest of the night is going to go, in a good way." In short, Brian brings up a great point that is not discussed as much as it should be: Many people who are having sex just for the sake of "doing it" are not always feeling the same way, and furthermore, are not communicating about it. That's where consent comes in. Verbalizing approval with your partner, especially if it's your first time with that person, allows for communication to happen about a very intimate subject that involves both people.
So what does effective, sexy consent sound like? Shana and Brian shared some of their "go-to" lines: "Is this okay? Do you wanna have sex now?" says Shana, with her ever-flirtatious smile. Brian claims that his "So do you wanna do me now?" seems to do the trick. Furthermore, he stressed the idea that in a relationship, consent can be (and sounds) very different from how it would in a one-night stand.
For example, in a first time encounter, someone who is usually very shy might feel uncomfortable to say "no," even if that is what he or she is actually feeling. That said, it's important to bear in mind that no matter how extroverted you may personally feel with your emotions and feelings, your partner may not be at that stage. This is one of the many reasons why thoughtful and non-judgmental communication is key. Shana reminds us that "consent is not someone saying no; rather, it's an affirmation. After all, no matter how awkward [consent] is, it's better than sexually assaulting someone."
All in all, asking for consent is the safest and sexiest way to make the most of your sex life with someone else—what could ever be so negative about expressing your most honest feelings to someone who you are intimately involved with?
One of the take-away messages that I got from Shana and Brian is that "college is the best time to figure yourself out, while gaining a better understanding of yourself as sexual being." Brian encourages us to remember that "the more you think about [your] own sexual body, and talk with your partner, the more confident you'll be with your sex life, and with your identity." If you liked hearing what they had to say in this article, as well as what they shared at Sex Stories last week, you might also be interested in I Heart Female Orgasm, which is coming right up on May 6 at 7 p.m. in Cleaveland 161. Don't miss it—it's supposed to epic.