In the spirit of Parents Weekend, I have decided to help parents understand what Facebook is, and why everyone, (yes, that means everyone here at Bowdoin), is so obsessed with it.
According to UrbanDictionary.com, Facebook is the crack of the cyber world.
The UrbanDictionary.com definition states, "This drug causes lasting effects: procrastination, swollen fingers, dropped grades, irritation of the eyes, increased need to add more friends to your friends list, and skipped classes. Be cautious, some think they are immune to the effects of Facebook, until they try it, and by then its too late. Protect Yourselves."
The only problem here is that Facebook is a lot like with sex: once you start, abstinence is pretty much impossible. Unlike sex, however, there are no Trojan or Durex jimmy hats to protect you from Facebook.
I was procrastinating while writing this article (on Facebook, of course) thinking about how this online friend network has come to dominate our lives when I had an epiphany: I am also hopelessly addicted.
I am so addicted that I often go up to girls I just recently met and say (in a witty and charismatic manner of course), "It's a good thing we're Facebook friends now. You know we can't be real friends unless we are Facebook friends first."
After taking a step back and reevaluating my life, I finally realized that's just ugly. From now on, I'm going to start with a classy line, something like, "Baby, can I buy you a fish sandwich?"
I know?you don't need to tell me: I'm a gentleman and a scholar.
Facebook is also bad because you can know everyone's critical information without actually knowing them in person.
A girlfriend of mine came up to me last weekend, for example, and said, "Diddy! I'm so excited I just found that hot guy in my English class on Facebook."
"Unbelievable, there is no word available to me in the English language to express my excitement," I said.
She then said, "Yeah! His name is (insert name here), he's single, looking for a relationship, friendship, random play, and whatever he can get."
At that point, I was so excited for my friend's discovery that I was forced to create a word right there on the spot, and that word was: scrumtrilescent. I said, "Wow, that is absolutely scrumtrilescent."
With some good 20/20 hindsight, I should have realized that she had never met this guy before, and in reality was probably too meek to actually go up to him and say hi, yet she still knew his relationship status, his screen name, his phone number, what his friends say about him on his "Facebook Wall," and even how he looks drunk in his photo albums.
This poor bro will be lucky to get a poke and a friend request out of the deal. Maybe he'll get a private Facebook message if my girlfriend happens to be feeling particularly bold and chipper that day.
On a lighter note, I haven't missed any of my friends' birthdays in over three years now, due to my Facebook home page, which alerts me almost a week in advance. What's even better than that is instead of sending a real card, all I have to do now is write on their wall saying "Happy Birthday Broski" and zip-zap, I'm a good friend.
Well kiddies and parents, that's Facebook in a gritty bar food nut-shell. Keep it real and avoid the clap until next week.