Twenty-six. The same number of times that Al Pacino unleashes a particular expletive in "Scarface" plus 156; the same number of hours Jack Bauer has to save the United States from terrorists minus two; and the same number of times ex-pop star Britney Spears has checked into rehab this past week minus one. Yup, 26 is one ugly number. But more depressingly, it's also the same number of picks that I chose incorrectly in my Men's March Madness bracket this year; a record low. I made better picks when I was nine.
Luckily however, I was able to complete the bracket discretely, and then filed it away on some obscure Web site called "Facebook." Oops. Soon enough, I was being bombarded with more posts than Harry Potter in book one, and all of them were hurtful, hateful, and grammatically atrocious: "AWALL I have Duke in the final 4 as well, however: Stanford in the elite 8? Texas Tech over BC? Texas over UNC?" "Damn son, ur not doing well so far. gw and Stanford got blown out of the water today...not even close. u shoulda picked the hoyas to the finals" And my favorite: "yo awall. i don't want add insult to injury, as I see those before me already have, but how in god's name am i kicking your @$% in this pool? i thought you were a sports god?"
Fortunately, today is redemption day, and in an effort to inch my way back to neutral?lest I become notorious for having the reliability of a weatherman?I will now make my new bold predictions?which will this time be unscathed by passion or prejudice?for the 2007 Major League Baseball that is set to kickoff Sunday evening. Oh, and for the record, I actually had Ohio State winning it all from the start.
26. The Cardinals won't repeat
It's still difficult for me to comprehend how a team that finished 83-78 last season (yes, they didn't even play 162 games!) and nearly missed the playoffs managed to win the Fall Classic. But, like "Gigli," it happened, so let's just forget about it and move on. They'll be in the wild card hunt thanks to MVP hopeful Albert Pujols and an electric pitching staff, but it won't be enough down the stretch. So long, St. Louis.
25. Alex Gordon will put Kansas City on the map
Ha?yeah right. The Royals' exuberant third base prospect will make some noise and maybe a name for himself by taking home some Rookie of the Year hardware, but what's above in bold will be a near impossible task.
24. The Brewers, Reds, and Pirates will share the cellar of the NL Central
Never have I seen a division so perfectly divided. The three teams in the top half (Cubs, Cardinals, Astros) each significantly outweigh the three in bold above. Matchup to keep your eye on though? Reds pitching prospect Homer Bailey against last year's NL batting champion, Pittsburgh's Freddy Sanchez.
23. No managers will be fired
Heck, even the Nationals' Manny Acta is safe. Wait, who?
22. Roger Clemens will sign with the Yankees
Donning the same number on pinstripes as the prediction for the first time since 2003; this time in late June after Carl Pavano and Kei Igawa struggle mercilessly through April and May. Nothing $18 million won't fix.
21. The Rockies are least likely to win the World Series
And until they move that stadium, they will continue to be so.
20. Frank Thomas will get injured
It's as inevitable as his Blue Jays finishing third this season.
19. Sammy Sosa will hit his 600th home run...on the final day of the season
Mr. Pepsi is currently at 588 and will put up similar numbers this year in Texas to his last full season with Orioles in 2005 (.221, 14, 45). He will retire a second time after his team finishes in last place in the AL West.
18. Chris Young will win NL Rookie of the Year
The D-backs' new, sound outfielder will play a major role in helping Arizona compete for a wild card spot?Brandon Webb and Randy Johnson, too.
17. Scott Kazmir will throw a no-hitter in May...
And Tampa Bay will miss it because of the Lightning's playoff run.
16. The Marlins will be a sleeper
This youthful squad nearly made the postseason last year, and with virtually everyone returning including slugger Miguel Cabrera and 2006 Rookie of the Year, Hanley Ramirez to complement an impressive pitching staff, the Fish could be thinking wild card. Did I mention they signed Aaron Boone, too?
15. Joe Mauer will reclaim the batting title
A year after hitting a record .347, things will only get easier for the guy who struck out once in high school. Just don't count on it being enough to get the Twins to the playoffs.
14. The Dodgers will win the NL West
Schmidt, Penny, Lowe, Wolf, Tomko, and that's just the pitching rotation.
13. A's/Angels will become the next big rivalry
Piazza vs. Guerrero, Street vs. K-rod, the Rally Monkey vs. Billy Beane. The opportunities are endless.
12. The Phillies will acquire Miguel Tejada
When the deadline approaches, and Baltimore is well out of the picture, it'll send its marquee shortstop to Philly along with outfielder Jay Payton and the incompetent Jaret Wright in exchange for Cole Hamels, Ryan Madson, Pat Burrell, and Jimmy Rollins. Tejada, Chase Utley, and last year's MVP Ryan Howard will be deemed unstoppable and clinch the wild card.
11. Tom Glavine will win his 300th game
The culminating moment of a Hall-of-Fame career will happen in July en route to the Mets capturing their second-straight division title.
10. Dice-K won't live up to the hype
But he won't come remotely close to flopping. People are expecting Matsuzaka and his mysterious gyro-ball to be Nolan Ryan times five, but a 14-8 record with a 3.79 ERA will suffice, though it won't be enough for the Sox who will fail to reach the postseason for the second straight year. And yes, J.D. Drew will eventually get hurt.
9. Andruw Jones will belt 60 home runs
He has hit 92 bombs over the last two seasons, including a career-high 51 in 2005. Can he raise that total by nine? You bet.
8. The Tigers will outlast the Red Sox, White Sox, and Angels and seal the wild card
Newcomer Gary Sheffield will be an MVP candidate and could potentially have as many as 150 RBIs by season's end.
7. Jake Peavy/Johan Santana will earn Cy Youngs
The former will bounce back, and the latter will be as dominant as ever.
6. Carlos Delgado will win his first MVP award
One of the most humble characters in the game today, the Mets slugger will make his second season in New York a memorable one thanks to 40-plus homers, and the best lineup protection a guy could ask for.
5. A-Rod will fail in the playoffs...again
We know it; the Yankees know it; and worst of all, Alex knows it. Extend that championship-less drought to seven years.
4. Adrian Beltre will win the AL MVP and his Mariners the AL West
Could be the most dangerous lineup in baseball if everyone stays healthy, and the rejuvenated third baseman will be its commander-in-chief.
3. Barry Bonds will surpass Hank Aaron for first all-time on the career home runs list
Sad, but true. At least there's no controversy surrounding it.
2. The Cubs will finish with baseball's best record
Soriano. Lee. Ramirez. Zambrano. Piniella?All World Series bound.
1. The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series
It will be Tribe fans' greatest celebration since the release of Major League II. Thank you, Pronk.