The Bowdoin Orient

For everything that is good in the world, there is something that is equally bad. For every grain of salt there is a speck of pepper. With sunshine there comes rain, with apples come oranges, and with J. Lo comes Chris Judd...and Ben Affleck...and Marc Anthony...and John Travolta? Stay tuned. Suffice it to say though that for most everything in our dear universe, there always appears to be some opposing counterpart that goes hand in hand in these reciprocated juxtapositions.

Last week I wrote a column on the MLB's top-10 acquisitions of the offseason, so, naturally, this week I decided to counter that article with the 10 worst acquisitions, which I enjoyed writing much more. With a total of 30 teams all vying for a World Series Championship, 29 of them will undoubtedly fail; it happens every season, which makes the signing of a player who will not lead your respective team to a title that much more likely. I certainly like my chances in this one.

10. Barry Zito, SP, San Francisco Giants

I still can't believe this is the same guy who went 23-5 back in 2002 to capture his first and only Cy Young Award. Now granted, Zito has been a terrific pitcher so far in his young career, going 102-63 with a 3.55 ERA over the last seven seasons with three all-star appearances. But will all that be worth $126 million over the next seven seasons? Probably not. Zito is renowned for his idiosyncrasies, which include sleeping with his lucky teddy bear and pink satin pillows while away on the road; dating singer Hilary Duff; but most importantly, his un-hittable curveball, which has earned the nickname "Captain Hook." However, according to recent reports, Zito is presently in the middle of a windup makeover, and is planning to modify his delivery significantly for '07 to that of his days back in high school, which could definitely spell trouble down by the bay. Not only does the most expensive pitcher in MLB history play the game as callously as one possible can, but now he's going to completely change the way he throws the ball? Good luck, Barry.

9. Gary Matthews Jr., CF, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

If the newly signed Angel could flashback to his days as a rookie, and deliver a speech on his future never-ending journey through the majors five minutes before he took the field on opening day in 1999 with the Padres, I imagine that it would be remarkably similar to that of former presidential candidate Howard Dean's back in 2004: "Not only am I going to San Diego, Mr. Selig. I'm going to Chicago! And Pittsburgh! And New York! And then I'm going to Baltimore! Back to San Diego! And Texas! And then, I'm going to Los Angeles to take back the World Series! YEEEAAAH!!" Hopefully the end result will turn out better for Matthews Jr. than it did for Dean. The journeyman outfielder hit an impressive .313 for the Rangers last season with 19 homers and 79 RBIs?all career-highs, earning him a five-year $50 million deal from the Halos this winter. But with his recent linkage to the steroids scandal in Orlando earlier this week, it's hard not to be skeptical of those kinds of numbers for the veteran switch-hitter. Not even his flawless defense can justify this signing.

8. Jeff Suppan, SP, Milwaukee Brewers

Some players, like Alex Rodriguez, will say that it's not about the money before signing an absurdly rich contract. Jeff Suppan is not one of those people. The former Cardinal opted to stay in his division and join the subordinate Brew Crew for the likings of $42 million over four years. The veteran right-hander has a mediocre 106-101 career record with a dismal 4.60 ERA, and will have his hands full with perennial division rivals Houston, Chicago, and St. Louis all season long. Milwaukee will finish fourth, in what will prove ultimately to be an insignificant move for both parties.

7. Adam Eaton, SP, Philadelphia Phillies

Phillies General Manager Pat Gillick did a great job this offseason trading for starter Freddy Garcia, keeping outfielder Pat Burrell, and bringing in role players like catcher Rod Barajas and third baseman Wes Helms. But signing the player that is seventh on my list is a move that I am still struggling to comprehend. Since entering the league back in 2000, Eaton has never had an ERA lower than 4.08, nor has he ever won more than 11 games in one season. Last year with Texas, the former Padre went 7-4 with a 5.12 ERA in 13 starts, and those numbers should perpetuate?if not skyrocket?in moving to the hitter-friendly confines of Citizens Bank Park. Eaton is also notorious for injuring himself, most bizarrely in 2001 when he stupidly stabbed himself in the stomach while attempting to open a DVD package with a paring knife. It is apparently these kinds of antics that land you a $24 million contract.

6. Juan Pierre, CF, Los Angeles Dodgers

Arguably one of the best leadoff hitters in the game, Pierre will relocate once again, this time from the Windy City to Hollywood where he will make his new home at Chavez Ravine. The nimble 29 year old hit .303 (.292 career) last year for the Cubs with 13 triples and 58 stolen bases, while playing solid defense as well. So why is this move so terrible again? Because the Dodgers already had speedster Rafael Furcal and didn't need to go buy a new one for $44 million?the same amount of cash that might have paved the way to signing more of an impact player, someone like Alfonso Soriano.

5. J.D. Drew, RF, Boston Red Sox

Here's another injury waiting to happen. In eight full seasons, Drew has surpassed the 140-game mark just twice, which by itself should be incentive enough not to bring this guy onboard for one year, let alone five. For $70 million, the Red Sox signed Drew (.283, 20, 100), who has one of the sweetest swings in baseball, but who will also undertake the daunting task of replacing long-time fan-favorite Trot Nixon this year out by Pesky Pole. The passionless Drew claims that he is up for the challenge, but just wait until Beantown's new No. 5 hitter feels the intense pressure of a Yankee-Red Sox late-season matchup, and is then caught looking on a game-ending third-strike cutter by Mariano Rivera...or just wait until his shoulder gives out by mid-May.

4. Sidney Ponson, SP, Minnesota Twins

Last week I was reading the first Power Rankings for the 2007 season on a particular sports Web site, and to my astonishment, the Twins were ranked first. It's true that they have the best pitcher in baseball in two-time Cy Young Winner Johan Santana, A.L. batting champ Joe Mauer, and A.L. MVP Justin Morneau. But then I looked at everything else...mainly Ponson. In 2006 for the Cardinals and Yankees, the overweight Aruban went 4-5 with an atrocious 7.86 ERA. And with youngster and No. 2 pitcher Francisco Liriano out for all of this season, the Twins are expecting Ponson to be a reliable four...or even worse, a three.

3. Julio Lugo, SS, Boston Red Sox

This is simple: He is a defensive liability at shortstop, and after playing a utility role for half of last season with the Dodgers he is (somehow) set to make $9 million this year...twice as much as reigning AL MVP Justin Morneau.

2. Gil Meche, SP, Kansas City Royals

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! You can bet that that was the only tune on Meche's iPod on-route to his new team's press conference earlier this winter. Meche arrives in KC with a respectable career record of 55-44 with a 4.65 ERA. It's not that Meche is a bad pitcher; it's just that he's not worth anywhere remotely close to $55 million over five years. And hey, he could actually put together a nice little season, especially if third base prospect Alex Gordon is the real deal; the team just won't go anywhere. It would have just been far more prudent for them to have signed someone who would have helped them win everyday, like say, Gary Matthews Jr.?at least he gives entertaining speeches.

1. Barry Bonds, LF, San Francisco Giants

I wish I could leave my reasoning blank; I really do. But since I can't, I'll just say that at 42 years old, Bonds's endurance is disappearing faster than Britney Spears's hair, and although he can still hit the ball a mile, paying him $16 million for one season is insane, especially with his countless defensive lapses and meager durability. Oh, he'll break the record. But nobody likes a cheater...not even an alleged one.