Alex Weaver's cures for beer fever

Beer Fever with Weaver: Appreciating cheap beer

"Unclassy" Beer?Sold cheap. Everywhere. Ever since blindly stumbling upon the "Beer Fever with Weaver" crown at the beginning of the year, my life has changed in a number of significant ways: some good, some not so much. To begin?though admittedly flattering?it is a little hard to get my beauty sleep while throngs of autograph-seeking high school girls camp outside my room at night and take turns reciting their names with "Weaver" longingly attached to the end. Similarly annoying, around campus it seems that my name is slowly morphing into simply "Beer Fever"?as opposed to "Weaver" or (gasp!) "Alex."

Beer Fever with Weaver: Spiced Wheat brings the heat

Spring Heat Spiced Wheat?$8.35 for a six-pack at Hannaford The T-shirts, flip-flops, and (best of all) skirts are coming out. Despite the drastic increase of frostbitten toe cases at the health center, I fully endorse this conscious forcing of Mother Nature's hand?as ridiculous as it may seem in the early stages of post-Spring Break in Brunswick, Maine. My logic, however, requires a little explanation. Normally, life doesn't reward conscious preparedness. Throw some change in your pocket in the morning to make life a little easier, and everything you buy will undoubtedly come out to perfect dollar increments.

Beer Fever with Weaver

Alex Weaver's cures for beer fever

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

March 2, 2007

Beer Fever has the flu. Now, I'm not talking a runny nose and a little muscle ache here. This is the kind of flu where I'm dripping sweat walking through a snowstorm in a T-shirt and absolutely freezing on the third floor of the library.

This is not your one-day bug where you try to tell yourself that you're sick enough to skip class. No, I was actually told by the health center that I am not allowed to attend class for three days. Normally this would come as welcome news to anyone, but somehow, having a hard time swallowing my own saliva seems like a big price to pay for missing a couple of English classes.

So, in the tradition of writing increasingly less-focused beer reviews and instead producing tangential commentaries about what is relevant to my personal life, this week's article is no exception. Without further ado, I present to you the top five alcoholic beverages to consume when you are feeling under the weather. Just be forewarned that unlike the back of that Tylenol bottle, my advice comes with no user guarantee or your money back.

1. Champagnesicle. As we all know, the sore throat is the earliest and perhaps deadliest symptom of an impending illness. If you're like me, you still lean towards those heavenly Ludens cough drops that have every middle schooler secretly wishing to come down with a cough. But if your throat is tightening to the point where dinner needs to be consumed through a straw, you may need something a little more potent. So grab the strongest, nastiest cough drop you can find (because we all know these really work best), and do the following: fill up an ice tray with strawberry-flavored champagne, drop a cough drop in each section, and garnish each with a popsicle stick. When done, you have the perfect remedy for the scratchy throat blues. After a couple Champagnesicles, your throat will be so numb that the cough drop won't even be necessary. Hell, suck down a full tray's worth, and you'll just giggle that cough away.

2. Natty Bismol. No surprises here. In my vast lexicon of cheap beer knowledge, I happen to know for a fact that Natty Light calms the nerves just as much as it settles the stomach.

You may think that the stomach rumblings you get around halftime of the big game are from the pile of beer cans that has mysteriously piled up around your feet. Not true?hint: it may have something to do with the pile of salsa con queso jars that have begun to pile up next to the beef jerky and Dead River pizza boxes.

In fact, the only reason you're able to remain seated and watch the game at all is because you have the mild carbonated goodness of Natty Light to calm things down.

Add to one 12-ouncer a capful of Pepto Bismol (or Pepto Bismol Max if you're feeling crazy), and you're pretty much guaranteed that the only thing you'll be feeling down there is giddy butterflies in the heat of competition. For those of you who choke during that big game of flip-cup at halftime, this little homemade remedy may come in handy for you as well.

3. Late night glass of brandy. I learned this one from my girlfriend, who came down with mononucleosis freshmen year and was promptly sent home to recuperate.

So the story goes, one night she was about an hour into a Herculean coughing fit when her dad gently knocked on the door and said he had just the thing to put her back to sleep in no time. At the height of her mono-induced delirium, she probably thought that a nice warm glass of milk and some Advil were lovingly making their way to her bedside. Not exactly.

Instead, she was told to sit up and choke down a nice warm glass of brandy so the rest of the house could finally get some sleep. The best part? Her coughing immediately ceased, everyone got a full night's rest, and she awoke the next morning to find her illness miraculously cured in one night.

Think I'm lying? Call Emma and ask (about the story, not out to dinner).

4. Ted's Hard Green Tea. Whenever Ted gets the sniffles, he indulges himself in perhaps one of the girliest concoctions known to man.

After taking a nice warm bubble bath and popping in season one of "Sex and the City" (he loves being reminded of where it all began), Ted makes himself a delightful, hot cup of green tea and tops it off with some honey, a splash of Mike's Hard Lemonade, and a little pink cocktail umbrella.

This way, when he tears up after one of the girly scenes about how men are such pigs, he can tell himself it's the "booze" talking as he quietly nods in agreement.

I will say, however, that Ted's recovery period from illness is always surprisingly speedy. Personally, I would rather sweat myself through a couple of sleepless nights before lowering myself like this, but maybe he is on to something.

5. Three tequila shots, a Newcastle, and a comfortable bed. Like most of the beverages on this list, number five has no actual medicinal merit whatsoever. But hey, when you're the sick one, you really have free reign to do whatever makes you happy. You want to skip class and watch "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" on repeat? By all means. Think that extra-large pizza and pint of Ben and Jerry's will do the trick? Be my guest.

For those of you who just want to have a nice beer before crawling into bed? Well, I don't see why not either. As I always say (until I have kids, that is): a booze drink a day keeps the doctor away.

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