First things first: Welcome back, and I hope that all of you had a better winter break than Michael Vick did, at least in terms of getting past airport security. And secondly, what a game we had Sunday night. A classic rematch that we had all anxiously been awaiting turned out to be better than we could have ever possibly imagined, with the home team earning a spot to play in Miami in the future. Of course I'm referring to the Mavs' clutch win over the defending, bending the Heat, 99-93. What were you watching? The AFC Championship?
I ended last year with an article predicting the outcomes for several NFL teams that were on the bubble for playoff slots. I went one-for-four, picking the Rams, Panthers, Bengals, and Jets to clinch, all of whom failed to reach the postseason with the exception of New York, led by the Penguin, Head Coach Eric Mangini. So after my poor foretelling performance, I decided that this week I would give it another go, only this time for the upcoming year that is already upon us.
Last year had it all, from the Bus's Super Bowl run to Motown to Zinedine Zidane's impression of Rosie O'Donnell cage-fighting Donald Trump. And if 2006 is any indication of how the next 365 days will unfold, then we're in for quite a year. So without further ado, I give you my chronological forecast for the year 2007:
January 27: Bill Parcells is rehired by Cowboys' owner, Jerry Jones, just four days after announcing his resignation and retirement. "I just missed the game too much," said the Tuna at a press conference. Terrell Owens, upon hearing the news, immediately demands to be traded.
January 29: Three days after winning miraculously over top-seeded Maria Sharapova to capture the Australian Open title, Serena Williams tests positive for an unknown, performance-enhancing drug. She announces her retirement later that afternoon saying, "It was fun while it lasted, but fashion will always be my baby."
January 30: Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas drops a career-high 71 points at home against the Pistons, including the game-winning three at the buzzer in a thrilling 133-131 victory. After Agent Zero's clutch bucket, Pistons guard Richard Hamilton rips off his protective facemask and screams, "This thing is nothing but bad luck!" He vows never to wear it again...yeah right.
February 3 (11:35 p.m.): On the night before the Super Bowl, the Miami Herald reports that Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick was seen snooping around a local Hilton Hotel where the Colts happened to be staying. He is last seen getting into a taxi outside the building at approximately 11:30 p.m., holding a massive binder full of paper.
February 3 (11:52 p.m.): Colts Head Coach Tony Dungy tells the Miami Herald that he has misplaced his playbook...or that someone has stolen it.
February 4 (12:03 a.m.): What could have been a potential state of emergency for Indianapolis is resolved when Peyton Manning assures Dungy that he remembers all of his plays, the Miami Herald reports...again.
February 4 (10:31 p.m.): The Chicago Bears stun the football world and win Super Bowl XLI, obliterating the Colts 35-3, their defense intercepting Peyton Manning three times, one for a score by linebacker Brian Urlacher. The game's MVP, Bears quarterback Rex Grossman, goes 22 of 25 throwing for 323 yards and four touchdowns. "I can't believe I just did that!" Grossman exclaims to CBS's Jim Nantz. "I'm not even that good!"
February 4 (10:37 p.m.): With teary eyes and a pocket full of bad dreams, Peyton Manning heads for the locker room hearing what sound like boos from the crowd. Dungy puts his arm around his human playbook, and says, "Don't worry. They're not saying boo. They're saying looooo-ser."
February 12: The Grizzles, currently with the worst record in the NBA (one ahead of Boston), trade superstar Pau Gasol to the Bulls straight up for Chris Duhon. Celtics' General Manager, Danny Ainge calls Memphis' President, Jerry West's move "OUTRAGEOUS!" and says, "The only reason he did that was so he can get the No. 1 pick and draft Greg Oden!" Ainge quickly deals Paul Pierce to the Hawks for backup point guard Tyronn Lue. Says Ainge, "It's a fair deal, because defense wins championships the last time I heard."
February 17: The Florida Panthers refuse to take the ice at home against their in-state rivals, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and announce their secession from the NHL. Nobody notices.
February 18: After firing Mo Cheeks earlier in the week, the Philadelphia 76ers welcome back Larry Brown as their new head coach at a press conference, which is rudely interrupted by point guard, Andre Miller, who has already begun to jaw at his new boss.
February 20: The San Francisco Giants finally terminate their contract with Barry Bonds, making the slugger a free agent. Bonds's new Snickers commercials have just started to air, the punch-line at the ad's conclusion being: "...It'll give you the edge over everybody...just don't get caught!"
February 21: The 76ers thrash the visiting Knicks, who are presently on a nine-game losing skid, 99-65. Brown refuses to shake New York Head Coach Isiah Thomas's hand, and quits after the game. "All I wanted to do was beat them," Brown tells reporters. "Now I can die in peace."
April 3: Barry Zito gives up six Padre home runs in a 19-4 loss to San Diego on Opening Day. "I was only in it for the money anyway," says the former Oakland ace. Zito is suspended by the Giants for the next 50 games without pay.
April 4: Daisuke Matsuzaka throws a no-hitter in his first start as a member of the Boston Red Sox, striking out 18 Royals in a 1-0 win. "I couldn't see the ball. Not once," says Kansas City shortstop, Angel Berroa, who was caught looking thrice.
April 5: Philadelphia Enquirer columnist and ESPN contributor, Stephen A. Smith, is named the new head coach of the 76ers. "Quite frankly," says Smith, "I'm all you need."
April 7: The Oregon Ducks win March Madness 67-63 over Duke. Quack, quack, quack, Mr. Ducksworth!
April 8: On the last game of the season, ESPN announces that they have purchased the seemingly non-existent network, VERSUS, and declares that they will broadcast every playoff hockey game from here on out. Gary Bettman calls into FOX Radio and screams, "We're back baby! We're back!"
April 18: The Knicks beat the Bobcats on the final game of the season, 88-83, ending the regular season on an 11-game winning streak, clinching the eighth and final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. Isiah Thomas smiles. Millions of New Yorkers puke.
April 28: The Raiders, in a shocking move, trade the first overall pick in the NFL Draft to Atlanta (which selects Calvin Johnson) for Michael Vick. Lions President Matt Millen, disgruntled by the Falcons selecting Johnson, takes receiver Dwayne Jarrett out of USC, passing on Brady Quinn, JaMarcus Russell, Adrian Peterson, and all other proven, impact, and talented non-wide receivers.
April 29: The Browns select Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith, who is still available in the sixth round. "I hope I start," says Smith. "Not that it matters with this team."
May 23: After going 0-for-6 with six strikeouts in a 12-3 loss to the Red Sox, Alex Rodriguez, who is currently hitting an abysmal .112 with one home run, is shipped to Triple-A Scranton Wilkes-Barre by the Yankees. "I've played like a dog this year," says a dejected A-Rod wile cleaning out his locker.
May 25: Actress Eva Longoria breaks up with Spurs point guard, Tony Parker. The Frenchman has 11 turnovers the next night against the Nuggets as his Spurs are eliminated in Game 5. Denver rolls into the Western Conference Finals against the Suns, with their two stars, Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony, averaging 26.2 and 26.1 points per game, respectively.
June 8: The seventh-seeded Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup four games to one over the second seeded Anaheim Ducks. Conn Smythe Trophy winner Sidney Crosby, who scored 14 goals in the playoffs, exclaims, "We are all champions in Pittsburgh tonight! And we'll all be champions in Hartford tomorrow!"
June 11: The Phoenix Suns win their first NBA Championship sweeping the Cleveland Cavaliers. Suns' Frenchman forward Boris Diaw is seen mingling after the game with his new girlfriend, Eva Longoria.
June 26: The Grizzlies go 14-68, and draft Greg Oden with the first overall pick in the 2007 NBA Draft. Ainge and the Celtics finish 15-67 and settle for someone with the second overall pick who isn't Greg Oden.
June 29: Roger Clemens announces that he is coming back...with the Rangers, who are leading the AL West by a whopping 10 games.
July 1: The last place Devil Rays sign Barry Bonds to a one-year deal. "He was meant to break the record here," says utility man, Greg Norton, in front of a dumbfounded media.
July 25: After going hitless in 34 consecutive at-bats, the Yankees recall A-Rod from now Class-A Staten Island to resume his position at third base. "He can't get any worse," manager Joe Torre tells the New York Post. "The only place for him to go is up...literally."
July 31: Clemens, frustrated with Texas, who has lost 15 of 17 since acquiring the Rocket, demands a trade to the Yankees, who acquire him in exchange for minor league hurler Humberto Sanchez.
August 6: Bonds goes just 8-for-73 in Tampa with zero homers and is ultimately released. The Giants, who still have an outside shot at the playoffs, come knocking with an offer and an apology. Bonds accepts both without blinking.
September 5: In a four-team deal 23 hours before the regular season opener, the Cowboys ship an unhappy T.O. to the Cardinals, who send Larry Fitzgerald to the Eagles, who give Donovan McNabb to the Bucs, who trade Simeon Rice and Ronde Barber to the Cowboys. "I'm the next Rod Tidwell!" shouts Owens. "Show me the money!"
September 30: Barry Bonds hits career home run number 756, breaking Hank Aaron's record in a 4-3 loss to the Dodgers on the last game of the season. L.A. clinches the division over the Giants by one game, but Bonds doesn't care: "I broke the record. That's all that matters to me."
October 18: The Red Sox beat the Yankees in Game 7 of the 2007 ALCS 14-12, advancing to their second World Series in four years. A-Rod, who had hit an astonishing .440 the rest of the year to improve his average to .291, goes 6-for-8 in the final game with a record five home runs, knocking in all 12 Yankee runs and taking home a rare series MVP as a member of the losing squad. "What can I say?" asked the third baseman after the loss. "I showed up; my teammates didn't. Coincidence? I don't think so."
October 27: The Chicago Cubs, led by Alfonso Soriano's bat and Kerry Wood's dominant pitching, beat the Boson Red Sox four games to two, winning their first World Series in nearly a century. Steve Bartman is given a three-floor apartment in the Sears Tower and a hand-written apology from the entire Windy City.
November 6: David Beckham, who had dominated the MLS with a record 54 goals, misses another crucial, season-ending penalty kick in the finals to the New York Red Bulls. Beckham, with Posh Spice by his side, returns to England after only one year in America, his parting words being, "You cannot win them all. But I just wish I could win some."
November 12: LaDainian Tomlinson runs for six touchdowns in a rematch against the Patriots on Monday Night Football and imitates Shawne Merriman's dance on his final score on the way to a 49-24 victory in Foxborough. "That man has no class," says New England defensive tackle Vince Wilfork of LT after the game.
December 9: After a heartbreaking home loss to Chicago, new Raiders Head Coach Denny Green (who took over for Lane Kiffin who resigned before the season even started) goes on another tirade with the media, reiterating and reassuring all of us that "THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!"
December 31: The San Diego Chargers finish the season with an AFC-best 13-3 record, and are joined in the playoffs by the Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Dolphins, and Titans. The New York Giants head into the postseason with the league's best record at 14-2, led by NFL MVP Eli Manning. They are joined in the playoffs by the Buccaneers, Falcons, Eagles, Cardinals, and Packers who are still headed by Brett Favre. The Bears, who had replaced Rex Grossman with Elvis Grbac at the beginning of the year, do not make it.