From the Beer Fever laboratory

Beer Fever with Weaver: Holidays with Gritty McDuff

Gritty's Christmas Ale?$8.35 for a six-pack at Hannaford When I was little, I couldn't figure out what all the Thanksgiving fuss was about. I just couldn't discern what was so fantastic about getting all excited and waiting all day for a bunch of food that was prepared by people other than my own mother. I mean, what do I care if Aunt What's-Her-Face has brought her famous asparagus custard? Part of it, I think, was because my mother's food is just too damn good to care what someone else has to offer.

Beer Fever with Weaver: Finally, how to celebrate finals

Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale?$9.70 for a six-pack at Uncle Tom's Market I'm chalking up last week's article in the win column. I do this for two reasons besides the psychological advantage it gives me heading into finals period: First, I received an e-mail from the great guys over at Red Bull, who informed me that my article is being passed around their office faster than we'll be dish ing out Colby slurs at tonight's hockey game. In fact, they liked it so much, they're currently under negotiation with the makers of Natural Light to create a Natural Bull product line, complete with action figures, lunchboxes, and that elusive five-pack (because it doesn't really count as drinking until you've knocked back that sixth).

Beer Fever with Weaver

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

Alex Weaver

Columnist

December 1, 2006

The Natural Bull?$2.90 for...errr...one at Uncle Tom's Market.

Drastic times call for drastic measures. With finals bearing down and the hours logged in at the library increasing daily, it is safe to say that these are indeed drastic times. Now I know everyone is feeling the same pressure that I am to get their work done so they can enjoy a restful, well-deserved Winter Break. But just to put things into perspective before we depart, bear with me for a second.

Just last night, as we settled in for our weekly ritual of "Beauty and the Geek" (my only vice, I swear), my roommates and I got to talking about the enormous amount of work that stands between us and our yuletide cheer. The television program afforded us the discovery that Ted in fact knows relatively little about government and American politics (his major) and absolutely everything about Clay Aiken and his rather ambiguous sexuality (his passion). What the conversation that occurred thereafter proved, however, was much more startling, and, I will admit, much less amusing.

In the course of the next two-and-a-half weeks, my roommates and I will be expected to pump out 154 typed pages between the four of us, on a range of topics from postmodernism and Margaret Mead's coming of age in Samoa (Ted) to hyper-consumerism and commodified identity in rap music (Tre); from dictatorial topics in post-Trujillo Dominican literature (Eric) to prostitution and early moden England's progressive class stratification. That is to say, by the time the cars are packed and the goodbyes said, we will each have averaged 38.5 pages of work and represented the liberal arts education at its finest?and that doesn't include studying for exams, video projects, and time spent begging professors for extensions. Now, project that figure across a student body of 1,700 kids, and we're talking 65,450 pages worth of final papers, lab reports, problem sets, and written confessions to your parents for why you had to drop out. Thus, it was with this startling figure in mind that I donned the surgical jacket and got to work at Uncle Tom's Market, creating what I firmly believe to be the most revolutionary collegiate advancement of the 21st Century: The Natural Bull (in stores soon).

Brewed first in the "Beer Fever with Weaver" laboratory in the depths of Pine Street B, The Natural Bull combines the exquisitely refined taste of Natural Light with the current Bowdoin students' favorite water substitute, Red Bull. Hark! Fear not, my fellow sufferers, for a new age is upon us. No longer must we pay $14 for a vodka-Red Bull or rely solely on a caffeine boost during that 3 a.m. push. What I have created will change the face of our caffeinated society forever! What I have created is the future. 38.5 pages is no match for a Natural Light-flavored Red Bull! Our brains will be well-oiled scholastic machines, our fingers will churn the keyboard like a pack of piranhas on a dead whale shark, our educational output will depend not on how many hours there are in the day or how well prepared we are, but only on the amount of Natural Bull flowing through our veins!

As I type, I hear gasps of horror and sighs of doubt resounding all across campus: beer and caffeine? Surely this must be a sham! Think again, you ignorant simpletons. Natural Bull is a hybrid alcohol-energy drink that not only promises unbelievable academic focus and unparalleled results, but a sophisticated and rewarding taste as well. It hits the palate like a Natty, yet settles in like a Bull. After buying one of every beer that Uncle Tom sells and meticulously adding the right amount of Red Bull, I can assure you all that The Natural Bull represents the perfect combination.

To get the best results, I recommend pouring the entire content of each can simultaneously into a metal chalice that flares slightly at the base and boasts a naked and surprisingly well-endowed woman for a handle. Once done, grab a single chopstick, courtesy of China Rose (it adds the aroma of the restaurant), and stir until the froth has subsided and the smoke has cleared. You are now ready to experience the power of The Natural Bull. (Please note: You can also take alternating swigs from each can for pretty much the same effect.)

The days of the caffeine buzz are over, and those of The Natural Bull have just arrived. So as you gear up for long night in the library, don't forget to mix up a Natural Bull and toss it into your bag; for you, my friends, are the first of generations of satisfied drinkers to come. I crept perilously out onto the limb of common good for the betterment of our collective quality of life here at Bowdoin. I am confident that The Natural Bull is just what our sleep-deprived and overworked student body needs. 38.5 pages? Please. "Feeling Wildly Unsuccessful? Just Grab The Natural Bull!"

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