Escaping the 'morning after'

Romancing with Riley: Good break-ups are possible

The Carpenters have always told us that "breaking up is hard to do." And for anyone who has ever dumped someone, or been dumped, or has been friends with someone who has been dumped, you know just how true those lyrics can be. The end of a relationship, regardless of the length or intensity of emotion involved, is always a tragedy on some level. You no longer have someone to quote poetry to in your AIM profile, and your extra long twin bed feels empty. You miss his smile, or her eyes, and you really miss getting a piece of him or her on a regular basis. The sun stops shining, the birds stop chirping, and you begin to realize how small a Chamberlain double actually is now that you're sleeping there every single night.

Romancing with Riley: Long-distance can be a stretch

It's time to go back to school?back to below-freezing temperatures in the middle of April and your horrible roommate who "accidentally" peed on your desk chair at the end of last semester. While winter in Maine can be a difficult time in any Bowdoin student's year, it can be that much worse when you have to leave your significant other behind. Whether he's your high school sweetheart or you met her on your abroad program, that last kiss goodbye is never easy.

Romancing with Riley

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

December 9, 2005

With a stretch and a yawn, your eyes flutter open. You pull your arm out from underneath your pillow to check the time, and you are momentarily startled when your "pillow" moans and rolls over. Suddenly, memories start flooding back into your hangover-addled brain: the keg stands and black-out punch, the sketchy dance room in the Crack House basement...and now this stranger lying next to you, whose drunken snoring kept you from fully sleeping off that last Jaeger bomb. What do you do? Where are your pants? What is this person's name? These are all good questions that I'm going to help you answer.

First and foremost, you need to get a name. While not absolutely crucial to your escape plan, giving somebody a high five and a "see you in Economics 101...you" will most likely make for an uncomfortable Tuesday morning. Instead of alienating someone you're not even Facebook friends with, use the ID Picture Trick. Tell this stranger that your friends are currently having an ugly ID picture contest, and you want to see how he measures up. Then sit back and watch with glee as Johnny No-Name jumps out of bed, grabs his ID and proudly shows you just how adorable he was as a sophomore in high school. You are now armed with a first, middle, and last name, as well as class year and date of birth (which you're hoping is a typo because there is no way are your friends going to let you live this down if he was actually born in the 90s).

So you've got a name, but how do you get out without disturbing this Sleeping Less-of-a-Beauty-Than-She-Was-Last-Night? If at all possible, do your best to pass out on the outside of the bed when you two call it a night. Or, if planning that far ahead is impossible even when you're sober, wait until she goes to the bathroom. Once she is gone, gather as many of your belongings as possible. Time is of the essence, so if you can't find your tank top, or your pants seem to have gone missing, well...they don't call it a walk of shame for nothing. If you have no soul and decide to leave before she returns, just make sure you grab your underwear. You simply cannot send her an email respectfully requesting that she drop your favorite pair of man briefs in the campus mail when she has subjected herself to the Listerine burn for nothing.

If you do decide to say goodbye, announce upon her return that you have a lot of work to get started on. Doesn't matter what time of day it is; work will forever be an acceptable excuse for just about anything here at Bowdoin.

But she wants to take you to brunch? Well that's sweet, but you really need to get ready for church, or you have to get dressed for class. Yes, you have a class at 9 a.m. on a Sunday! It really sucks, but it's super easy, and you're totally getting an A. Or perhaps while she is washing off the face glitter that is now winking up at you from your chest hair, your roommate calls and really needs to talk. The excuses are limitless, and let me just say that if you go to Bowdoin and can't come up with a somewhat viable reason why you two can't split a Belgian waffle, I hear Colby is currently accepting applications.

If you happen have been drunk enough to suggest heading back to your place last night, and Little Miss I've-Met-My-Soul-Mate isn't picking up on your hints that you're presently thinking less about walking down the aisle than impaling yourself on the corner of your desk, I've always had very good luck pretending my roommate is outside and really mad that she's locked out. Simply tell your socially inept bedfellow that you're going to the bathroom, and then find someone out in the hall to give a couple angry knocks on the door in about five minutes. Wait for the knocks, then watch as his pants fly on and his eyes well up with apologies faster than you can say, "By the way, we took a vote. You totally won the ID picture contest."

And just so we're clear, there's no need for names or fake roommates if you simply choose a more temporary location than your bed. The basement of Brunswick Apartments, an abandoned conference room in Moulton, or the bike room in Chamberlain can provide privacy, if not comfort, and no possibility whatsoever of an awkward morning after. And don't worry if your boyfriend happens to walk in on you. Just tell him you were doing some research for one of Kidder Smith's classes. He'll totally understand.

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