We have an untapped resource among us. I know, it's amazing. I'm shocked myself. After three years here, I thought I had seen everything there was to see, done everything there was to do, and certainly conceived of every possible coupling imaginable. I was wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the senior girl and the first-year boy.
We're all familiar with the combination of the senior boy and first-year girl, with her short skirt and polar bear ears, and his alluring off-campus house with a keg shell pyramid next to the porch couch. She is both fresh-faced and na?ve, and he is well seasoned and only too happy to show Little Miss Moore Resident the ropes. After all, the first-year facebook is the holy grail of every senior boy's first week back to school, and there's no doubt that there are plenty of first-year girls just dying for a cute 30 College Street resident to give her a "tour of the house."
Not that I'm a little bitter or jealous of these adorable young things, but I'm interested in something new. To all you first-year boys, I've got a present for you. It often comes wrapped in a sweatsedo (like a tuxedo but so much more comfortable) and slightly greasy hair. It knows its way around both campus and an extra long twin bed, and it is usually the proud bearer of a 21 year old ID. "It" is a senior girl, and she wants to get to know you.
For some reason beyond my comprehension, there is a stigma surrounding older girls who date younger boys. I, for one, fail to see a downside. First-year boys are eager to learn, eager to please, and eager to catch up to their female classmates. During my first year, I vividly remember my male friends bemoaning their involuntary celibacy. I cruelly laughed at their sad plight and waltzed off to a series of holiday parties, hickeys blazing.
Well, now the tables have turned. On any given night, you will find my adorable, smart, funny roommates and me, sitting around our rickety kitchen table complaining about the decided lack of Saturday night sleepovers we've had so far this year.
Enough is enough. Let the first-year girls and their senior chaperons grind the night away in a sweaty embrace at the Ladd Luau. First-year boys, it's time to step it up. Stop leaning awkwardly against the wall discussing computer disks or whatever it is you all talk about, and challenge that gorgeous senior girl to a dance-off in the middle of the pub dance floor. At worst, she'll be flattered but decline. At best, she's got $3 for the cab ride home and a single bedroom big enough to continue that dance-off somewhere a little more private.
Sophomores and juniors, this goes for you as well. Senior girls have a lot to offer. Beyond our cozy off-campus houses with their full-sized beds and beautifully painted Beirut tables, many of us have cars that we'll gladly use to spirit you away to delicious restaurants and quaint corners of the Old Port that, until now, you've only dreamed of. Wondering what classes to take next semester? Forget RateMyProfessor.com?ask that cute senior girl, and she'll tell you everything you need to know. And I shouldn't even need to mention our access to the treasure trove that is Uncle Tom's keg menu, nor will I ruin the surprise of what exactly that private dance-off will entail, except to say that there is a world of fun awaiting you beneath those sweats.
Trust me.