Mia Lasic-Ellis

There is a particular kind of silence that begins to settle in the aftermath of a breakup. Rather than a peaceful, meditative silence, it is the silence of absence, brought about by time suddenly emptied, by the hollow outline of a person who is supposed to be there but isn’t. It can be especially difficult in this transient time of life that is college to handle the devastation that comes along with losing a relationship.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, but especially after last weekend’s Bowdoin Bearings, when I was asked by an admitted student what my biggest regret has been since coming to Bowdoin. I couldn’t help but immediately think back to the person I was almost three years ago, crossing the country for the first time, calling my long-distance partner every night to fill the sudden absence of her presence. It’s not that it wasn’t a beautiful relationship or that I think back on it with disdain. We certainly had our share of good memories. And yet, when I was posed with that question, it was that thought which instantly flew into my mind.

Another question I was asked that weekend: “What’s been the best thing since coming to Bowdoin?” And again, I knew my answer right away. Strangely enough, it’s intricately connected with my answer to the first question.

When I first showed up in Brunswick  five semesters ago, I was so worried about whether or not I would be able to find my place at Bowdoin. I had gotten nonstop advice from my parents to “make a new home” rather than spend my time longing for the old one. I’m ashamed to admit it, but rather than taking their advice, I spent hours cooped up in my room (sorry, Tanya) on FaceTime with my ex, feeling lonely, wanting to go home and hating myself for choosing to go so far away.

But then, something truly magical happened. I was invited by this girl in two of my classes to come to her room and watch Netflix’s “Single’s Inferno” with two other girls. Then I started eating breakfast with them every day. Next, we planned a trip to Boston and rode the Amtrak together for three hours, ignoring the work we had brought along and just talking. Finally, we decided to become roommates. From there, the rest is history. It’s difficult to explain in words the feeling I had that first time we hung out, all four of us squeezed together on a little blue couch in Osher. It was like falling in love, only so much better.

So, my answer, as cliché as it is, is friendship. Last summer, I ended my first serious relationship, saying goodbye to the person I had loved for over two years. In the ensuing debilitating heartbreak, I leaned heavily on my friends for support and to fill the consequent silence. They were suddenly on the receiving end of a lot more “good morning” and “goodnight” texts from me than usual. By writing about this, I don’t mean to imply that friendship is some kind of consolation prize, second best to a romantic relationship. Rather, I am arguing that there is a kind of durability, honesty and unconditional love and joy found in friendships (especially female ones!) that is hard to achieve in other types of relationships.

I had many reasons for wanting to end my last relationship. But truthfully, none of them mattered enough to move me to do anything about it until I had a poignant realization while on an annual trip with my high school best friends to Pensacola, Fla. It was a short trip, only a weekend, and the beach had been closed down due to bacteria, but we made the most of it. We drove an hour and a half down the highway to a safe part of the beach and spent hours absorbing the sun together. Afterward, we went home, changed, had a nice dinner and (of course) took photos on my best friend’s digital camera. That night all of us were sprawled across the living room, ignoring “Mamma Mia” playing on the TV behind us, cackling as we commented GIF after unfunny GIF on each other’s brand-new Instagram posts. It was then that I realized I felt more content in that moment than I had in the entire two years of my relationship, and, as sad as it was, I knew what had to happen.

Obviously, friendship is not all sunshine and rainbows. There are hardships and disagreements in every close relationship, romantic or not. What I have learned over the last several years, though, is the value of recognizing how joyful your friendships are. To soak them up, to embrace the whimsy, to live unmistakably in the moment. My experiences in college, and in life generally, have only ever been enhanced by the emotional depth and understanding born of friendship, particularly my friendships with women. There is something incredibly empowering about the complexity and pleasure built out of these connections. While there is an undeniable dimension that comes into your life alongside romantic love, I encourage you, especially my female readers, not to overlook the beauty that is friendship.