Henry Abbott

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.” This line from the 1967 classic film “Cool Hand Luke” has been running through my head as events have become much more polarized here on campus and around the world. Can we solve our hesitancy to talk with those we might disagree with and our lack of practice in having these conversations overnight? Certainly not, but after running the “What Matters” dialogue program for the McKeen Center for nine years, I’d like to provide some easy tips and tricks to having meaningful and curious conversations within our Bowdoin community.

First, only take this opportunity if you’re in an emotional headspace to even have a conversation. If that’s the case, you can open the door to a conversation with someone you already know and trust with a spirit of curiosity and empathy. Setting the norm of curious learning, the goal of understanding (not changing each other’s mind) and the expectation of privacy can go a long way in starting a conversation. Start with something like, “Hey—I’ve seen (this event/this topic) in the news lately, and I’m really curious what you think of it.” If needed, it can help to assure them that you just want to understand their perspective—it’s okay if they don’t share the same view as you and you won’t share their views with others.

Think about how, where and what you both want to talk about. In-person conversation is great and talking over coffee or a meal is welcome for many of us. A comfortable and familiar setting is also helpful for a lot of people. Then again, others may prefer more privacy or even a place off campus. Be open to suggestions and feedback about that. Are you talking about a topic in the news—here or on campus? If it’s hard to just start that conversation, think about sharing an article or opinion piece to give yourself something to start with and react to. If you don’t know what they think about a given topic, you could even just start with, “You know, I’ve known you for a long time, and we’ve never talked about (this topic)—I’d love to talk with you about it and share our perspectives!”

And then we get to the heart of the matter—an actual meaningful conversation itself. First, let’s ask each other open-ended questions and ask questions that get to preferences, values or experiences rather than yes-or-no questions or questions about facts. Second, truly listen to what someone is saying to you. It can be helpful, after someone has shared something important with you, if you reply with a version of, “I think I heard you say (your summary of what they said). Did I get that right?” Mirroring their answer helps us listen and ensures that they were heard correctly. Asking the right follow-up question is also helpful. Questions like “Why is that important to you?” or “Have you always felt this way?” or “What makes you say that?” help us dig deeper into where our beliefs truly come from.

It is also important to give yourself a chance to pause if you feel the need to cool off. A question like “Can I think about what you just said for a minute before I respond?” can really give you a chance to relax, process and respond. Lastly, don’t be afraid to leave yourself a way out if the conversation isn’t what you want or need right now. We may find, by just acknowledging that we both don’t need to have the conversation or can leave it, that we’ll both be more willing and able to have it in the first place—whether that’s now or the next time.

Want to dive deeper? There are many organizations and tools out there now, but Braver Angels and the Constructive Dialogue Institute are two of my favorites right now. Lastly, like with any other activity, the only way we get better is through practice. Set the expectation that this may not be perfect and we might mess up, but that if we are having a good-faith conversation, we are going to respond with empathy, charity and forgiveness. We don’t have to have conversations about every topic with everybody, but pushing a bit outside our comfort zones and talking about meaningful issues and events within an incredibly diverse community of people is what a place like Bowdoin is for. I need the practice as well, so hopefully I’ll meet some of you for coffee soon.

Tom Ancona is the Associate Director of the McKeen Center for the Common Good.