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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: The final revelation: Setting the record straight on Ivies Weekend
For a year and a half, this little plot of real estate here in the back of the Orient has been my sanctuary from the furore and vexation of academia. Out there, my essays, exegeses, and existentialist ruminations lurch and strain beneath the weight of scrutiny.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Spring heartbreak: Readjusting to Bowdoin's brisk pace, climate
Spring Break is a lot of things. It's a time to exhale, forget about functions, formulas, Foucault, and failing grades, and coax your blood pressure down to a rate that doesn't make your forehead resemble a topographical map of Utah. It's an opportunity to catch up on reading, sleep, and episodes of "The Office." It's an excuse to head south and reintroduce your pasty, translucent skin to the long-forgotten phenomena of "sun," "warmth," and "body shots." But despite its virtues, Spring Break one thing above all: a tease.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: This is the most important thing I've ever written
Over the past year, I have used this space for a number of different purposes. I have waxed philosophical, attempted to analyze the oft-perplexing behavior of myself and my peers, described my various social misadventures?I have even resorted, on several occasions, to letting my imagination run wild all over the page, a dangerous and bewildering exercise indeed.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: The plight of the vegetarian-philosopher-king
As February trudges patiently along, Bowdoin first years may find themselves doing some serious introspection. At least, that's what happened to me two years ago.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Correction: Booze and responsibility are compatible
On October 20, I used this space to lecture about temperance. I climbed up on my soapbox and explained that the freedom built into the college lifestyle should not be abused, because someday in the not-too-distant future our generation will be responsible for preserving civilization in an era of growing population, advancing technology, diminishing natural resources, and mounting cultural tensions. Well, a real man knows when to admit he was wrong. And I've got to say, I was way off base on that one.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: How I became famous (or: Why I love Wikipedia)
People love to read about celebrities. Us Weekly, a magazine that keeps citizens well-informed as to which pop culture icons deserve our scorn for their iniquitous "fashion faux pas" each week, has been in publication for 27 years. People Magazine, whose cornerstone is its yearly naming of the "50 Most Beautiful People Alive," has been around for even longer.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: The other November holiday
Around this time of year, families gather together to celebrate a great day in the history of our country. I'm talking, of course, about November 20: Traffic Light Day.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: I'm bringing innocent back
At the sight of children squealing with glee and chasing each other around a jungle gym, most adults will sigh wistfully and think, "Oh, to be young again!" The exception, of course, are residents of Howard and West halls?located across from Longfellow elementary?who are more likely to say, "QUIET THE $%#@ DOWN! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS!?"
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Raise your degree of success
When I was about eight years old, I asked my dad how expensive college is. He told me it cost $20 each year to go. Because this was more money than I could ever image being in one place at one time, I panicked and began saving every nickel I could excavate from beneath the sofa cushions and every dime I could extract from between the car seats.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: The price of freedom: $46,300
Freedom. It is a mighty concept, appealing to the most optimistic regions of the human heart.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Genes: you'll grow into them
Back in the now-distant days of my blithe youth, the concept of adulthood befuddled me. I couldn't figure how my parents enjoyed "healthy" food when it failed to satisfy standard chocolate, peanut butter, or high fructose corn syrup criteria.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: How I kicked my coffee habit: a hero's tale
Ever wonder what the deal is with the lady on the Starbucks seal? The one who beckons you into her lair with her bewitching grin and the promise of temporary mania followed by atypical bowel cycles?
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Congress fights the good fight
As students of American culture, you may have heard tell of a legislative (or "law-making") body known as "Congress." That's right, your middle school teachers weren't just yanking your chain when they taught you about our nation's bicameral legislature.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: And you thought Orientation was awkward...
During the fall of my first year at Bowdoin, I felt compelled to join a group on the then-benign Facebook called "Why Is My Life So Awkward?" Upon first discovering the group, I had been touched. "Finally," I thought to myself, "a group of collegians who, like me, have failed to outgrow their adolescent ineptitude. I shall find my niche at Bowdoin yet!"
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: First year of the rest of your life
Hey there, [your name], you old horsethief, you! How was your summer? "Good?" Really? Because I usually get a different answer! No, it wouldn't be awkward if you had said anything other than "good," not awkward at all! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd like a few minutes alone with the first years.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: The final countdown
"Finals." It sounds so terminal?like an incurable disease whose end result is as excruciating as it is inevitable. I imagine a doctor in a lab coat standing gravely by at my bedside on a mid-May morning, stiffly clutching his clipboard. "I'm sorry, Mr. Kolowich," he softly utters. "I'm afraid you have...finals."
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Your guide to surviving Ivies
Congratulations, friend. You made it to Ivies Weekend. You have endured the relentless onslaught of problem sets and three-to-five page essays. You have persevered through the 8 a.m. classes, the 80-minute lectures, the five-hour Friday afternoon labs, and the all-nighters. You bravely beat back frostbite, the common cold, the uncommon cold (syphilis), mono, ringworm, carpal tunnel syndrome, and a knife-wielding ruffian in the basement of School Street Apartments.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Snap back to reality
So I had this weird dream the other night. I dreamt that Bowdoin was an episode of VH1's "I Love the 90s," and that Bowdoin Student Government (BSG) had decided to distribute those old slap bracelet thingies in a joint effort with the Department of Safety and Security to make students more visible to traffic, and a bunch of washed-up pseudo-celebrities made fun of us for it.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Hitting rock bottom
Listen, we didn't ask you here today to watch "Corwin's Quest: Realm of the Yeti" on Animal Planet. I know, I know, that is what I said on the phone. We invited you over because I feel... we all feel...that we need to confront you about something. Yes, I am serious. Wait; before you get upset, just hear me out. We've been noticing changes in your personality since it began?your behavior, the tone of your voice, your priorities. We all see it. You disappear for long periods of time without leave. We'll all be hanging out, and you'll slide into a back room and lock the door. We all know what you're doing back there.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Sign changes, healing begins
As the hand at the helm of the College, the administration is responsible for making tough calls, protecting institutional interests and traditions, and providing the student body with the resources and guidance it takes to maintain Bowdoin's reputation as a beacon of higher education. These duties are anything but trivial. As wide-eyed fledglings, hungry for a socially and intellectually rich four years, we, the students, depend on the College administrators to vomit a nourishing Bowdoin experience down our throats, having already chewed and digested it themselves; so to speak.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Have faith in understanding
"Dixieland." What sorts of things leap to mind when you hear this term? Warm weather? Moonshine? Ted Turner? Those good ol' boys from Hazzard County? Home? The inexplicably popular Trace Adkins single "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?" I'm willing to bet that for the majority of Bowdoin students, mention of the South evokes a hodgepodge of interrelated ideas: Red states, religious yahoos, "values" voters, country bumpkins carousing around in pickup flatbeds with their shotguns and smell hounds, stopping periodically to participate in a hootenanny and/or elect Bush.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Humor, with cleverness substitute
Everybody loves a clown. Well, except for people who are paralyzed by fear at the mere mention of clowns (e.g. anyone who has seen the movie "Poltergeist" or heard of John Wayne Gacy, Jr.). Or people who think clowns are boring (e.g. anyone whose parents were so manipulated by classical conventions that they actually hired a clown to perform at your birthday party). Or people who think clowns are stupid (e.g. anyone who has ever borne witness to the musical stylings and stage antics of the Insane Clown Posse). Or anyone who thinks clowns are depressing (e.g. all vocational clowns). OK, that's a horrible example. Let's start over.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Read this if you wish to survive the invasion
Are you a regular reader of the Orient? If you are, then you probably already know: We've got aliens. Exhibit A: Item one of the February 17 installment of the Orient news section's "Bowdoin Briefs" reads, and I quote: "A mysterious design in the snow appeared early this week on the Quad and left members of the Bowdoin community baffled as to how it got there. While some wrote it off as the work of student pranksters, others suggested that extraterrestrial forces might be involved." Need any more evidence? Didn't think so.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Communication breakdown
A few weeks ago, I was chatting with someone about my aspirations vis-à-vis my college education and professional future. He asked me what my major was, and as I tried to respond he cut me off. "Doesn't matter," he said, "as long as you learn how to COMMUNICATE." At first I was annoyed, because when he asked about my major he had clearly planned to interrupt me. But he was older, employed, and ostensibly wiser than I (and balding, which I understand also implies wisdom), so I didn't disregard his insight right away. And the more I reflected on my own communication skills and those of my fellow collegians, the more worried I became.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: College diet includes healthy dose of irony
I read a story on BBC's news web site recently about a man who caught a mouse in his home. The man was bored, and instead of ridding himself of the mouse by drowning it or returning it to the wilds of British suburbia, he (probably) thought to himself "Oi, wouldn't it be a kick in the knickers if I torched the little bugger alive?" As fortune would have it, the man was burning brush in his backyard at the time. Giddy, he hurried outside and with sadistic pleasure cast the hapless rodent into the flames. "That'll teach 'im to dally about me property!" the man may or may not have said, reveling in the illusion of great power.
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These Revelations Will Not Be Televised: Beware the web of indictment
Do your parents keep scrapbooks of old photographs? Mine do. I'm not talking about the scrapbooks filled with photos of first steps, first birthdays, and first nude adventures in public; I'm talking about when they were in college. Have you ever seen pre-graduation college pictures of your parents? I could count the ones I've seen of mine on one hand, causing me to suspect that there are no more than five.