The Bowdoin Orient

Matt Glatt: Members of the Northwestern football team have been granted permission from the NLRB to form a labor union—the first real blow to the NCAA’s stranglehold on amateurism rules in the US. According to the report, players are essentially unpaid employees of the university. They spend upwards of 50 hours per week on football, and yet many of them can’t afford a Veggie Delight from Subway. Meanwhile, you lazy slugs haven’t left the couch in two weeks because you’ve done nothing but watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Does this change the way you watch the tourney?

Mikey Jarrell: Duh! The NCAA is obviously completely broken and needs to be abolished. I’ve seen metaphors comparing college athletics system to slavery, and I don’t think that’s too far off.

Wiley Spears: That is absurd and possibly offensive. How can you say student-athletes aren’t paid when they get professional coaching, access to state-of-the-art equipment, and, oh yeah, a free education!

Dusty barges into the WBOR studio.

Dusty Biron: Hold up a minute, Wiley, you’re a little off base here. I’m not saying we should abolish the NCAA, but the players are clearly being taken advantage of. Changes have to be made. I think players should be able to sign sponsorship deals. Currently, teams are sponsored by Nike and Adidas. But guess who gets paid?

MJ: Not the players?

DB: The coach! A coach gets paid because his star player wears Hyperdunks. The players get nothing and have no say in who sponsors them.

WS: This is the best you can come up with? You think players are being taken advantage of by being given free shoes?

DB: Well, they have to get compensated somehow, and a free education is not at all guaranteed. Coaches can actually decide to cut players between each season to make room for a new recruit. Next thing you know, that kid who got recruited to play basketball lost his scholarship, can’t afford the education, and drops out.

MG: Wait, who invited Dusty?

MJ: I don’t know why we’re even pretending these players are getting an education. Did you see that essay from a UNC athlete? Here’s a sample: On the evening of December Rosa Park decided that she was going to sit in the white people section. Quite the hook, I know. Just wait till you hear the ending, it’ll knock your socks off. Rosa Parks asked them “ why do you all push us around?” The police officer replied and said “ I don’t know, but the law is the law and you’re under arrest.”

WS: Ok great, the kid failed his English class. So what?

DB: He got an A-.

MJ: And he plagiarized. There is no education happening here. This is professional sports, and to call them student-athletes is a joke. These athletes bring in billions of dollars of profit and deserve to be paid for it.

WS: You’re forgetting that this is a very small sample of college athletics. What about smaller Division I schools, where they are lucky to break even? The revenue brought in by the immensely popular men’s sports provides an opportunity of a lifetime for student-athletes at schools like Mercer or Davidson. Not to mention the fact that women’s teams and other less profitable sports like tennis or wrestling are almost entirely funded by the NCAA.

DB: Mikey, we can’t just abolish the NCAA. Without it, we wouldn’t get to call ourselves varsity athletes!

MG: If a golfer is a varsity athlete, then Wiley is Jim Nantz. But you do raise a good point. What would happen to D-III sports?

MJ: I don’t know, some of them would disappear. Boo hoo. Schools that couldn’t afford to pay out of their own pocket—which, by the way, Bowdoin already does for club sports—might have to cut a few programs. I don’t think it’s fair it top-notch D-I athletes to be exploited like they are just so I can whack a ball into the woods.

WS: And when you say, “exploited,” you do you mean, “get the chance to play the sport they love in front of a national audience?” Once again, boo hoo.

MG: Here’s the question you guys are missing: Is this union going to accomplish anything?

DB: Honestly, I don’t think one union at one school will accomplish all that much on its own. However, it may set a legal precedence and therefore set a chain of events in motion that finally brings changes to the NCAA, an organization that has been corrupt and exploitative since its inception. There’s no telling what could happen if teams from a couple other big schools jump on board. 

MJ: So…you’re telling me there’s a chance?

WS: One in a million.

MG: I’m definitely interested to see what comes out of this. Who’s got a No-Fail Prediction?

DB: Shabazz Napier pulls a full Kemba Walker and beats the Wisconsin Buzzcuts in the Finals.

MJ: Julius Randle will earn a top-two pick in next year’s draft by winning the tourney.

WS: UK will get whooped by Wisconsin, and Frank Kaminsky will be drafted ahead Randle.

MG: Our column will be the reason the US abolishes free speech.