The Bowdoin Orient

Kim Kardashian is the modern day Marie Antoinette, if Marie Antoinette were perennially chastized by Anna Wintour and engaged to Kanye West. The similarities are uncanny. 

Let’s start with family. Marie Antoinette’s daddy was the Holy Roman Emperor. Kim’s was Robert Kardashian. Both were great protectors. While Francis looked after Austria, Robert defended O.J. Simpson. 

Marie Antionette married Louis XVI and Kim is marrying Kanye West. Both are kings. King Louis XVI ruled the French Empire. Kanye rules hip-hop and everything else really, from ostentatious Hermes bags decorated with ogres and naked women to self-aggrandizing wedding proposals and killer Twitter rants.

Marie and Kim have both experienced the joys of motherhood. Like Marie, Kim also has to deal with a partner who is not all that involved in the parenting process. AZcentral.com reports that, while Kim says Kanye is a “hands-on dad,” she also concedes that he isn’t “keen on changing North’s diapers.” She says, “He’s not a diaper kind of guy. And that’s OK. But he would if it was an emergency.” 

But Marie and Kim have more in common than men and babies. For instance, they both have absurd hair, large bosoms and sisters. Marie’s Wikipedia page claims she “was never lonely, since she never had the chance to be alone.” 

Kim also never has the chance to be alone—not that she wants to be. Instead, she has surrounded herself with Paris Hilton, fake husbands, soon-to-be-real husbands, the E! network, a crazy-ass mom even worse than Maria Theresa, sex tapes, real dads, fake dads and now little North West.  Kim would love to surround herself with real royals—the likes of Kate Middleton— but alas she is not real royalty. She is like royalty, but cheaper. 

Still, we can’t forget the biggest similarity between Kim and Marie: their charitable natures. Marie wanted the starving peasants to have cake. Kim wants them to have her brand’s perfumes, baby clothes, real people clothes, and tanning lotions. They are both givers.  

Although Kim should be flattered to have so much in common with such a notable historical figure, she should also be worried. Marie did not die gracefully and neither will Kim. Marie died in a white dress by guillotine. What if Kim and Kanye’s wedding starts another French Revolution? Maybe that’s why the French government won’t let them get married at Versailles. We, like the French, should consider the repercussions of Kim Kardashian as royalty. Kim is not Audrey Hepburn. She is not Marylin Monroe. She is not even Emma Stone. Kim is her own entity. She is the lowliest type of celebrity, the kind made famous through nepotism, by shear will power and utter lack of talent. 

In this way, Kim Kardashian epitomizes royalty for the millennial generation: the kind of royalty best filtered through Instagram and Twitter, reality TV and sex tapes. Kim Kardashian’s millennial royalty is the type that brings us to the palace gates but keeps us at bay.  

Napoleon Bonaparte once famously said, “Vanity made the French Revolution. Liberty was only a pretext.” If we rewrite this quote for our modern age, perhaps it should read, “Wealth made Kimye’s reign. Talent was only a pretext.”

To this end, Kanye is building his own Hall of Mirrors, and “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” is paying for the whole thing! Kim and Kanye’s wedding festivities will last a week and will hopefully include performances by the Wu-Tang Clan and Lady Gaga. Although they can’t rage in Versailles, Kimye can rage in Paris, their “second home,” according to Kim. 

Will “the people” be invited to the wedding? If so, perhaps we have come full circle. Kim’s metamorphosis into Marie Antoinette will be complete. Kanye will still be Kanye. 

I find this concerning. Today, we live in a democracy. Tomorrow, who knows. Kanye is an ambitious man. With Kim by his side, these celebrities, our chosen royalty, could truly rule. 

In the mean time, let them eat cake. Wedding cake.