All caged up: Why reality TV unleashes our jealousy of fame

Snark Week: Bill Nye ‘the Dancing Guy’: Our generation’s latest beaker of hope

Bill Nye the Science Guy is the beacon of our generation. We all have Bill memories—mine are romantic. I had my first lap-sitting experience to the sounds of his show. I perched on a certain Ben’s lap one eighth-grade chemistry class while Bill lectured soothingly on black holes. In this instant I felt like we (we being Ben, and Bill Nye, and I) were really connected. I was sitting on Ben’s lap and Bill was being brilliant and my science teacher was nowhere to be found. It was magical.
But then reality, science, and my chemistry teacher returned. I got sent to detention and Ben got off free because of sexism (it was Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke all over again). But Bill remained. Soothing and educational and Godly.
But I digress. More important than my own sexual awakening was the relief all millennials felt when our middle school teachers rolled in the black TV monitor and popped in a tape (VHS!) of Bill Nye. Now, as then, Bill has valuable lessons to impart.

Snark Week: Spears and Jesus: The Comeback Kids

At 5:15 p.m. on Tuesday, I’m sitting in Moulton, discussing Britney Spears and Jesus. More specifically their collective comeback. I asked my dinner companion: What does Britney represent in 2013? What does the album title Britney Jean really mean? Is it an oblique reference to that time she and Justin Timberlake wore matching jean suits? Or is it because her middle name is Jean? Is it socially acceptable to purchase Britney’s 13th fragrance? Was it acceptable to purchase her 12th and 11th?
Then we started talking about Jesus. There’s a new musical out titled “SPEARS: The Gospel According to Britney.” Patrick Blute, the creator, claimed in a Fox News article that this will be “the greatest story ever told to the greatest music ever written.” Blute—a Columbia grad—is careful to say that the show is not meant to be rude. He assures us that the musical, “tells an essential story using fragments of pop culture in a non-offensive way.” Blute says the piece is meant to reconcile “the anxiety 20-somethings feel about living in a society that has thousands of statements and not much substance.”
The musical played to this key audience when it opened at Columbia before moving into New York City.

Snark Week

All caged up: Why reality TV unleashes our jealousy of fame

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

Ally Glass-Katz

Columnist

October 31, 2013

COURTESY OF FOX (left) & ABC (right)

REALITY CHECK: Celebrities duke it out on “Stars in Danger: The High Dive” (left) and “Skating with the Stars” (right). But is it enough?

I want to talk about celebrity cage fighting. It should be a thing.

Here’s my thinking: we all love “Dancing With The Stars” and “Skating With The Stars” (and remember ABC’s “Celebrity Diving?”) Few suffered through “Skating with Celebrities,” but those that persevered swear it was worth it. Keeping with theme, there was “Stars in Danger,” too—it was about high diving (I sense a trend). People liked “Stars in Danger” so much—or at least liked seeing their stars in bikinis and speedos so much—that Fox made a full-length film. It was cleverly titled “Stars in Danger: The High Dive.” Jenni “Jwoww” Farley starred. It was legitimate art.

My favorite series was “I’m a Celebrity…Get me Out of Here.” It stared titular figures such as Janice Dickinson, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and Melissa Rivers. These icons were placed in the jungle and told to survive. Tragically, “I’m a Celebrity…Get me Out of Here” was cancelled and was also sued (CBS noticed that it was “Survivor” but with celebrities). Still, a few seasons ran. Every moment was touching.

Look, we are America. We are the home of the brave. We are obsessed with the rich. We value a good fight. This is why we love watching our rich people duke it out. But it’s 2013. Aren’t we ready to take our rich people duking it out on a more visceral level? Like, as in watching them literally duke it out? In a cage?

I like to think so. Even though it’s scary, I believe we are ready.

There has been a lot of talk lately about reinvesting Bowdoin’s endowment. I saw some dirty tarps and old College House signs flapping on the quad last year. (For future note/protest planning, the Bowdoin Outing Club does indeed loan out tents. These might look slightly more professional with Hubbard as a backdrop. Just an idea.)

I’m now proposing a special type of divestment. We as a college should divest from whatever people are upset about, and stick all that money in a fund to kick-start celebrity cage fighting. We’d make the big bucks. We’d also make a point.

It’s entrepreneurial. Bowdoin bankrolling the next “Skating with the Stars” would reinvigorate liberal arts colleges throughout the nation. The NAS report says we don’t learn things applicable to the real world, and starting a show would totally be applicable to the real world. Would angry consulting firms still think we were wasting time in the boonies if we were learning the blood and guts of the real world? Like the literal blood and guts? Of celebrities? I don’t think so.

“Celebrity Cage Fighting” would be “Maury” goes “Dancing With The Stars.” Oprah and Doctor Phil would become irrelevant. Who needs mediators when angry people can take to a cage? (I’d allow them to bring gloves.)

There seem to be some issues between some of our stars. I get it. It’s a stressful world. Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke have been talking trash in the tabloids. Why not let them deal with their anger in a more physical way? They are two people who are every much in their bodies. Imagine an Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston duel. Kelly Osborne and Christina Aguilera could hack it out once and for all. It would be glorious, it would happen in a cage.

Celebrity cage fighting could be a new way to determine most unpopular celebs: Gwyneth Paltrow v. Anne Hathaway. Who do we hate more? The people decide (or at least place bets). Think of the endowment.

Granted, there are some problems with celebrity cage fighting. A silicon boob pop would be bad. The fighters would have to sign waivers...good ones. Luckily our legal studies department is strong.

We care about celebrities. They are shiny and pretty and rich. They represent something we desire. And it’s oddly fulfilling to watch what we desire—our idealized representations—brawl in a cage or belly flop into a pool. Maybe reality TV is so readily available because we feel better about ourselves when the people we look up to do silly things. We’re redeemed when the people we’ve deemed “better” than us do worse.

And I guess this makes us all terrible people—but that’s okay. Let’s just make some money off our depravity. Then maybe we can offset it by having the cash money to spend our weekends tutoring toward the Common Good.

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