Saving society from the seven deadly sins

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The Right Stuff

Saving society from the seven deadly sins

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

April 1, 2005

Before we left for Spring Break, my Orient colleague Conor Williams wrote a column on the privatization of Social Security entitled "The Administration's Doublespeak." In his concluding paragraph, Williams argued that, "the President's plan has no safeguard for hubris."

Why stop with hubris? There are seven deadly sins and hubris is just one of them. The government should prevent us from committing any of them. Here is my plan.

1) Hubris. Many Americans do not spend their money wisely. The government will take all of our money and allocate some for food rations, some of it for savings, and some of it for retirement. Most of it would go to the government, however, because you will see that we are going to need to kick spending into high gear. After all, the government always knows best!

2) Gluttony. This country is getting fatter and fatter. We're rolling, both literally and figuratively. It is NOT our fault, though, even though we choose what we stuff in our fat faces with our chubby fingers. We are seduced by advertising. No more, comrades! The food industry will be de-privatized. I mentioned the food rations in the previous paragraph. Fast food restaurants will be replaced with ration stations. Mandatory calisthenics would be done every day, by everyone, to patriotic music. This will also cut down on....

3) Greed. No one will be allowed to have anything more than what one needs. We will all have the same base salary and live in communes. If anyone has anything more than one needs, it will be taken by the government. Everything must be equal, no matter how minute the differences. Sure, no one will have much incentive to work hard, but there will not be any greed! Well, maybe when it comes to sex, people will still be greedy, and that is why we must eliminate....

4) Lust. Lack of sexual satisfaction has been the root cause of pretty much every problem ever. That's why there should be a government program ensuring that everyone that wants to have sex will have sex. At the same time, marriage and exclusive relationships will be banned because they make people envious (more later). Bridling sexual passions is both impossible and unhealthy. That is why sex should be guaranteed by our government. But with guaranteed money and guaranteed sex, we need to account for....

5) Sloth. Our government should make all of our lives as luxurious as possible. Everyone will have to work for 40 hours a week, but to prevent greed and envy, one can work at whatever one wants. Not many necessary jobs would be completed, you say? Leave them to the government! Forget about them. Relax! Everyone should feel good about doing whatever they want to do?like videogame playing or "medicinal" marijuana testing...marijuana, of course, would be heavily prescribed to eliminate....

6) Wrath. What will there be to be angry about in our new America, you ask? Everyone will be just as special as everyone else! If we do have some angry impulses, however, it's probably because you are not medicated enough. More drugs. Chill! Everyone should have plenty of heavy sedatives to take whenever one has a negative or angry thought. Crime will be eliminated completely. Emotions, after all, get in the way of Big Brother's master plan to "provide for us."

7) Envy. This is perhaps the most difficult for the government to eliminate, because humans are envious of inane things. We would all have the same paychecks, homes, and cars. The destruction of private industry would only give us one option for everything, and since we would have no money to spend because the government took it all, it would not matter anyway. We would all be the same. Special and sheltered. Of course, art and culture would be censored by the government so that we would not be corrupted by our decadent past or other cultures.

Yes, thanks to the American government, we would be saved from ourselves. Personal responsibility, the downfall of this once great country, will be successfully eradicated and expectations of humanity will be at an all-time low. Big Brother will be in charge, and we will be blissfully ignorant. Ah...utopia...my comrades...it is within our grasp....

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