It's the hard-knock life for us

The View from the Tower: A diagnosis from Dr. Love

The United States consumes 80 million Hershey's Kisses every day, and on Valentine's day that number jumps to over 280 million?well over one for every man, woman, child, and spider monkey in the U.S. More amazing is the fact that this number doesn't even come close to the at least one billion hearts?whether chalky, chocolate-coated or caramel-filled?that are consumed on that same day.

The View from the Tower: Spring Break scabies

I like to think that I've been a good boy all my life. I walk the line against club drugs and riverboat gambling, I use sunblock lotion religiously, and I floss regularly. After I lather and rinse, I repeat. Recently, however, my life has begun to spiral out of control, like in a movie when the protagonist spins into a lollipop-swirl background while screaming "noooooooo!" What has been the cause of this slide from to control to crazytown you ask? Nine girls, ten days, and thousands of itchy bumps later identified as scabies.

The View from the Tower

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

February 25, 2005

As a young straight white male with a college education, a car, a girlfriend, two dogs, an unbroken home, a wallet full of money and a cookie in my pocket, I can tell you one thing for sure: life never gives me any breaks. I don't mean to sound needy and I don't want others to feel bad about how much more fortunate they are than myself. I just want to bitch, bitch, bitch.

I know that I can't feel reward without the pain of sacrifice; I know I can't suck the crème filling out of a donut then sneakily sneak said donut back into the box of donuts your roommate received from his dying mother as one last gift before she died of chronic pain syndrome. Life is fraught with difficulties. Sometimes someone else takes the last chocolate glazed and no matter how much I whine, cry, and batter the little donut gobbler; I just won't get more then a hastily regurgitated donut for myself.

Sometimes I just really wish life would throw me a bone. Everyday I get up at 9:28, remove my Crest Whitening Strips and rub the sleep out of my eyes as I meander into Thorne to get one of Patty's amazing omelets. Sometimes I go to class; sometimes I sit in the dining hall until my next meal. Either way, I'm generally exhausted when it's time for my afternoon slumber. A few hours of Dance Dance Revolution, three beers and midnight pizza and suddenly another day is ripped from my hands by the cruel hands of Time.

My girlfriend says I have to give to receive, but sometimes I worry that I have Santa syndrome: I give and I give and I give and all I get back is moaning flying reindeer and the same suit for Christmas year after year. Then I start to think Prancer is the one really wearing the suit in this relationship, and that I'm really just being dragged along for the reindeers' night out.

I know, I know: I should shower regularly and eat less. I should not insist on my friends calling me Santa. I need to snap out of whatever I'm in. I should look at each day as an opportunity rather than one day closer to that time when I finally don't have to shower.

My mom always says that when Life gives you lemons you tell everyone he's a perv and have him carted off to jail. But I'm a mere mortal: try as I might, I can't turn water into the Champagne of beers. I can't turn one pizza into two pizzas, a 2-liter bottle of coke and an order of breadsticks. Most importantly, I can't turn a day-old order of breadsticks and an empty bottle of coke into an excel spreadsheet or PDF document. I am not a digital messiah.

What can I do? I can only scrape the frosting from so many Oreos?one bag, in fact, before I get sick. My roommates hide their valuables from me. Nobody will lend me money 'cause they know full well that I have plenty of money in my wallet but I'm just too lazy to undo the button of my back pocket. Plus, they know I won't pay them back. My parents are holding firm about my trust fund and I might even have to do laundry if something doesn't change soon.

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