Holiday Hijinks: Sexy, sensible and certifiable looks

348 and Maine street: Top of the season: Winter hats that inspire

I can’t say that hats are due for a comeback because they never really went away. But they have gotten boring and awfully predictable. This winter, let’s bring back bold hats.

348 and Maine street: New Year’s resolution: You do you, but exercise more style

This was the week in which we woke up from our long winter’s naps and returned to early rising, feverous note taking, and, of course, the inescapable frigidity of the Artic—I mean, Midcoast Maine weather. Some of you will protest that your vacation was not a long winter’s nap, but rather a series of sun-induced dozes on your towel in Boca Raton. But most of you, if I may be so bold, did a lot of nothing over your hibernation period. Even those of you with deep tans, natural or spray on (which, by the way, will fade), spent a lot of time doing nothing with or without sand between your toes. But now the time has come for you once again to wash your hair at least twice per week, to change your underwear at least once a day, and to do something more productive with your time than watch marathons of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” or “Law and Order.” Now you must put away your Juicy sweats, those heinous housecoats of the twenty-first century that you bought in eighth grade, and put on some real clothes—clothes that will get you to class in sub-zero weather.

348 and Maine street

Holiday Hijinks: Sexy, sensible and certifiable looks

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

Evan Horwitz

Columnist

November 29, 2012

Kate Featherston

**All of the Lights:** Evan wears a festive ensemble complete with red and white bow tie.

Twinkling lights! Gingerbread houses! Salvation Army Santas! That’s right, Christmastime is almost here.

And as I am an equal-opportunity holidaymaker raised on non-denominational books about a vague festival of lights, that means it is also Hanukkah time, Kwanzaa time, Winter Solstice time, and, for you Canadians, Boxing Day time.

If, as I suspect, you’ve experienced the holiday season before, it is likely a social season in the Jane Austen or Edith Wharton sense, or, for the less-literate but equally-cultured, the Downton Abbey sense. In other words, it is an endless barrage of elegant cocktail parties, fireside dinner affairs and cozy cookie bake-off parties. And that’s before the family celebration that lasts at least three days—though that might just be my family.

However, in all its joy, the holiday season can be quite hectic and presents some unique sartorial challenges. None of us wants to look like a dowdy Aunt Gertrude in a green holiday sweater. Whether we’re rockin’ around the Christmas tree or making dredels out of clay, we want to look good.

My only hard and fast rule of holiday dressing is this: get dressed before getting rosy cheeked off peppermint schnapps, hot buttered rum or, if your Hanukkah host hasn’t yet heard about kosher wine that doesn’t cause guests to gag, Manischewitz. Save the visions of sugar plums for after your garments are fastened, secured, and in their upright positions.

It seems to me that there are three options when it comes to dressing for the holidays: Sexy, Sensible, and Certifiable. Let me begin with the Sexy Christmas look.

You know what I mean: sequined shirts so low-cut your holiday baubles look as though they might slip out, sultry red miniskirts up which Santa’s elves would have no trouble seeing, or cream-colored Hanukkah sweaters so translucent they will make your companions wish the oil in the Temple had only lasted one day.

This look is certainly tempting and many have tried it, from Eartha Kitt trying to seduce Santa Baby to Mommy just trying to sneak a late night smooch with Santa Claus. And lest you gentlemen think you are innocent of trying to make Christmas sexy, I’ll simply say that Papa Noel’s signature cap should stay far North of your pole.

Let me be clear: I do not recommend the Sexy Christmas (or Sexy Hanukkah or Sexy Three Kings Day) look.

I cannot endorse your Sexy Christmas outfit because the holidays are the World Series, Super Bowl, and Triple Crown combined of our real national pastime: eating. We are remarkably skilled—especially in the bone-chilling cold of winter—at turning dinner rolls into belly rolls faster than Mr. Gertrude Claus can ravage a platter of his wife’s famous fruitcake. (And yes, her name is Gertrude, but she prefers to be called Jessica. Take that trivia to your holiday table.)

So that skin tight sparkly mini-dress might be slink, swank, and a little bit skank in those magic Macy’s mirrors on December 15, but I promise you you’ll be wishing for a more forgiving sweater after washing down a second helping of figgy pudding with eggnog, or packing in a seventh latke doused in sour cream. Just take a cue from the man in the big red suit himself: loose, comfortable fabrics and highly adjustable belts are key. Christmas caftans, anyone?

But before you slip into your scarlet velour tracksuit, throw on an antler headband, and call it Christmas, remember the other aforementioned holiday looks. The Sensible Christmas look is the easiest, simplest, and probably the chicest in the holiday style handbook. As such, it is embraced by harried housewives and hipsters alike. This look requires little more than an obliquely festive take on your everyday wear: for Maine ladies of a certain age, it means a woolen turtleneck sweater fastened with a holiday pin, for post-college Brooklynites (a la Girls) it means an ironically-embroidered sweater vest over some kind of up-cycled denim, and for actors, architects, and intellectuals on the other side of the East River, it means wearing head-to-toe black — and a Santa hat, if coerced.

But the look I truly prefer is the Certifiable. The holiday season is the time for dressing outlandishly. Why not wear what you couldn’t get away with any other time of year? Wear socks with jingle bells and necklaces with twinkle lights! Splurge on that red and green tartan plaid blazer and candy cane cufflinks! Throw on that Claus-like faux fur cloak, or even your official Christmas Story Snuggie (it exists), and frolic in the snow! I want to see you bursting with holiday cheer! Let’s save the sexy for New Years.

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