Dear Dr. Jeff: I have a friend who probably has an eating disorder. I'd like to help her, but I don't want to get her in any trouble. What are your thoughts? S.S.
Dear S.S.: Here at Bowdoin, we do try to look out for one another, and the health and well-being of a friend can become quite concerning.
Here are a few ideas to consider. First and foremost, of course, there's your friend's safety. It would be much better to get her the help she needs and possibly make her angry than to ignore her troubles and "just hope" they go away.
Second, students often come to see us, or the folks at Counseling, or the Dean's Office, or Res Life, to talk about a friend, and are always welcome to do so in confidence, without mentioning that friend's name. Complete confidentiality will be maintained unless your friend is in substantial danger.
It may seem that students who come to see us are quickly shipped off-campus on medical leaves, but this is actually not the case.
The majority of students brought to our attention for eating disorders are now in treatment at the Health and Counseling Centers, treatment which very much aims to support them here on campus. Because their care is private and confidential, you don't hear much about it. The number involved, though, is huge compared to those who leave.
Students take medical leaves of absence when they are in crisis, unable to get well or stay well while enrolled full time. If they can be helped out earlier in their struggles, then a full-blown crisis might be prevented, and their problems may be adequately addressed here at school.
In spite of how they may at first seem, medical leaves are never intended to be punitive interventions. They are undertaken only when there are serious safety concerns and successful participation in campus life is no longer possible?for the moment. As the Deans like to say, Bowdoin has been here for a great many years, and will still be here for a great many more years to come.
The College will always stand ready to welcome back students from medical leaves, delighted to see them again able to thrive and gain the most from their eight short semesters under the Pines.
So, S.S., talk to your friend. Stay focused on how you feel about what's happening to her. Express your concerns about specific changes you've noticed or observations you've made (about her as a person, not about the health problem itself).
Have realistic goals for your conversation. Prepare yourself for the possibility that you'll make your friend defensive and even angry. Obviously, you won't be able to "just change" her behavior. Your friend might not even want to open up to you at all.
Hopefully, you will at least be able to open the door to talking more, to show your support and concern, and to offer to help get help. No matter how indifferent your friend might seem, at some level your concern will be heard, your support felt, and your friend will have moved at least one step closer to finding the help she needs.
It is also important to consider finding help for yourself. Friends sometimes avoid tough conversations or think they can handle these difficult situations on their own. Beware of co-dependency, that is, involving yourself in a way that ends up protecting and enabling the very behaviors you're trying to help change.
Don't take it all on yourself. There are many different resources available to help you and your friend. Come in to the Health Center, the Counseling Center, the Women's Resource Center, the Dean's Office, or Res Life.
Talk to your proctor or R.A., professor, trainer, or coach. Remember that you can feel free to discuss your concerns confidentially, and to keep your friend anonymous, if that makes it easier.
The important thing is to reach out?to your friend, for your friend, and for yourself.
Be well! And take good care of yourselves?and each other!
Jeff Benson, M.D.
Dudley Coe Health Center