Paging Doctor Kinsey: What to do about sex that stops short

Dear Doctor Kinsey: Channeling Kinsey, Class of 1916, for answers on sex and love

It feels like a given for our generation: we're entitled to explore and discuss sex as we please. Although it's easy to forget why we do so, it remains valuable to remind ourselves of what we stand to gain by sharing our experiences in bed and in love. After all, not talking about sex—refusing to acknowledge it—is probably the oldest form of sexual repression. Silence keeps us feeling alone and in the dark, whereas responding to the variety of sexual experiences and identities that surround us is reassuring (maybe others have the same questions we do) and liberating (if they did, maybe we can too).

Dear Doctor Kinsey: As long as it’s given, consent doesn’t always have to be sexy

I think a lot of people would agree that Dan Savage is a modern Kinsey of sorts: He's a contested public figure drawing conclusions about sex and love by listening to people's personal stories.

Dear Doctor Kinsey

Paging Doctor Kinsey: What to do about sex that stops short

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

Cal Pershan

Columnist

April 6, 2012

As the real Doctor Kinsey is deceased (June 23, 1894 - August 25, 1956), we're on our own in seeking the answers to love's persistent questions. I was very pleased (and frankly a little surprised) to receive a few questions in my mailbox before break sent students off in search of tans that are now slowly fading.

Speaking of which, I'd like to pay a collective compliment: we're all starting to look pretty good, by Maine standards, as we spend time outdoors, shedding parkas, and reviving bright colors. But is it poor timing, in light of the "recent uptick in STIs" noted in last week's Orient?

The editorial message—be safe, don't stigmatize, get tested—was (for me, and I hope in general) well received. But let's not forget that our health center only has statistics on STIs because, being responsible students, some of us already did get tested.

Editorial aside, I do have to take issue with the tone of the article announcing the uptick: "Boy and girl hook up," it opens, "A common scenario at Bowdoin College." Even if it just acknowledges a heterosexual majority or the hetero-normativity of a general culture, at Bowdoin we can do better than make assumptions that idealize and mainstream "straightness." Why? These assumptions tacitly marginalize other sexualities—that's not good, especially since you don't have to be straight to get an STI.

And citing a 2005 poll about the prevalence of hook ups? You don't need to be single to get infected either: monogamous sex doesn't confer automatic immunity from STIs (only abstinence does). Neither is the "hook-up culture" that our parents love to talk about the cause of a STI outbreak. No one is explicitly saying that, but I think it's being hinted at. Students need to be responsible for our sexual health (read: condoms and testing) as well as for our friends and community. But let's be safe because we care, because we're strong, good people—not because we're afraid or shamed.

Now to a question that's never really out of date, even if it may no longer be an issue for the student who asked (again, I got the query before break). The response is good common wisdom, but let's make it more common.

Dear Dr. Kinsey,

I've been hooking up with this guy for a little while, and we get along really well. The only problem is that when we have sex it doesn't last very long. What should I do?

-Feeling Awkward and Sexually Trapped!

FAST, your question is kind of a cliché, as I'm sure you know—the timing between male and female orgasms can seem comically misaligned (Kinsey had plenty to say about it). So this response is for both parties.

Sex shouldn't start and stop at the pace of one person's satisfaction: If he's finished but you'd appreciate more attention, it's only fair that he try to provide it (always eagerly, and never begrudgingly). Saying "please" is your best bet—an underused and lovely word.

To be explicit, sex and orgasms don't require an erection or penetration. That's too phallocentric, and insufficient with few exceptions. Part (or most) of his short duration comes from pressure—concern about your pleasure, FAST, and his performance—but you telling him that or him thinking it isn't going to help.

Instead, lower that pressure: have him get you off before penetration, providing plenty of instruction, or after a little bit of penetration but before he comes.

Be clear and sexy—first you're going to spend some time on you. This isn't just foreplay. Encourage him and boost his confidence—tell him to keep doing what he's doing, not because he's bad at something else, but because he's sexy and good at what he's doing.

His delayed gratification isn't going to kill him or his mood, especially if he can enjoy this non-penetrative sex (almost) as much as you do.

Realistically, it makes sense to focus on one person's pleasure at a time—give him a chance, and if he isn't willing to take turns (at least until he's more comfortable and confident) then don't try too hard to make the relationship last.

Please send your anonymous questions to SU Box #785: the more you can ask without detail that might be revealing for you or others, the better.

Since it's a small school or something, if you're more comfortable posing hypothetical questions, friends' questions, or past questions, I'll welcome them. If you like it, help keep the column going.

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