Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and despite my Ebenizer-esque outlook on the corporatization and capitalization of my innermost thoughts and emotions, I do find this a great opportunity to speak about a common topic around the "Undiscussed" dinner table: Bowdoin relationships. Okay, I realize I'm no expert on the subject, but if you've got health questions I'm here to give you answers.
I have a friend who fights constantly with her boyfriend. It's not abuse I would say, but I don't think it is healthy. What makes a healthy relationship anyway?
This is a tough question because as clichéd as it sounds, everyone is different. Something that works for one couple could be troublesome for another couple. First things first, if you are worried about a friend in a relationship, it never hurts to do a little check-in. Say you have seen a few things that concern you, and want to make sure your friend is happy and comfortable in the relationship.
This cut-and-dry clinical approach may seem intimidating, but it can be helpful to try talking with your friend without being accusatory. Work to make sure the friend knows that you love him or her and are only concerned because you care. If you need help trying to approach the subject or would like to talk about your concerns, the counseling center is a great resource and would be able to help give you tips, as well as help you deal with your own concerns about the situation.
That being said, what makes a healthy relationship? It really does depend on the couple, but overall signs of a healthy relationship may include but are not limited to mutual trust, an understanding that two partners don't always have to be together, encouragement, feeling safe, sharing thoughts, and making important decisions. On the other hand, some red flags that can act as guidelines or cues to pay attention to include, but are not limited to, one partner constantly blaming or poorly treating another, isolating and controlling their partner, putting their partner down, accusing their partner, not listening to their partner's concerns or emotions, and physical roughness.
As I have said, every relationship is different, but if you are concerned about a friend or even yourself, trust your gut. It is unlikely the behavior will change for the better unless you speak up, and you can help a friend avoid a bad situation by being honest about your concerns. Unhealthy relationships can be a challenging topic to discuss and can be hard for a partner to get out of, but making sure you come from a place of concern and using the resources on this campus to help you out, like the Counseling Center and the Dean's Office, are great places to start. Also, keep your eyes out for a program this semester that will focus specifically on how to help a friend you think may be in an unhealthy relationship.
I have just started seeing this girl and feel really awkward because I want to ask her to get tested, but don't want to make her upset or insult her in anyway. How do I ask without hurting her feelings?
Number one: kudos for getting tested. I understand the dilemma, and it is pretty awkward to ask someone you care about to do that. The best way to do it, or what we in peer health think is the best, is to get tested together. Super romantic, I know. Seriously though, it kind of is. Going with your partner can help make the situation less intimidating, and avoids any potential misunderstood accusations or insults in the asking process. Additionally, your partner may want to ask you to get tested as well, but is also having trouble finding the right words.
Let me take this chance to say that asking someone to get tested or being asked to be tested is not and shouldn't be taken as an insult. It basically just means that someone cares enough about a relationship to keep it healthy in every way possible. Super cheesy, huh? It's almost Valentine's Day, that happens.
Getting tested here at Bowdoin is also beyond easy. The Health Center offers most STD/STI screenings for free at any time with an appointment. They can test for the more common STIs like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphillis and others based on risk. They also offer a free HIV antibody testing with additional counseling appointments before and after the test. Well-women visits are also offered to do pap smears that can screen for the HPV virus. These services are unique to Bowdoin and available at any time; however, there are also a few specialized STI testing days. If you are nervous or uncomfortable asking a partner or going yourself, these days may help alleviate any unnecessary pressure or stigma that may be attached to getting tested.
Hope those helped. Have a happy and healthy Valentine's Day! And for those of you with questions and those others who picked up on my thinly veiled hint for a heart-shaped chocolate box of my very own, my SU box is 456. Send your questions!