Someone needs to get the Bias Incident Oversight Committee to take a look at an e-mail recently sent to the residents of Harpswell Apartments, the fabled campus destination better known as "Bro Village." I am pretty sure that Harpswell residents are being discriminated against due to their lifestyle choices. In that e-mail, sent on the very first Thursday campus was open, the College's housekeeping manager told the citizens of Harpswell Apartments that the state of the apartments and general vicinity was messy and unacceptable.
Housekeeping was right—it was pretty messy. But what do you expect from a bunch of guys who live every week like it is Shark Week? There were discarded solo cups and wounded beer cans everywhere—it was a problem. Due to the well-enforced embargo against shirts, a bro could have really hurt himself if he fell on the forgotten fragments of someone's shotgunned beer can. Realizing the extent of the carnage, housekeeping reminded us that they charge at least $100 for every bag of trash they have to pick up.
A hundred bucks per trash bag is like Chris Rossi's save percentage during last year's NESCAC hockey tournament: absurdly high. It takes approximately three minutes for a trash bag to be moved to the nearest dumpster, and unless our housekeepers are paid $2,000 an hour, the math just doesn't add up. I should add that I hope our housekeepers are paid that well, because they tend to be incredibly nice, hard-working people. Yet I have a nagging suspicion that they aren't compensated quite as well as my simple calculus would suggest.
So what's the deal, Facilities? What business do you have charging $100 for picking up a trash bag? And while I'm on the subject, what business did you have charging $200 for the hole that I may or may not have put into Helmreich House my sophomore year? Actually, it's pretty obvious. Facilities is trying to put a tax on bad behavior. If you do something gross or stupid, you're going to pay for it. You're going to pay a lot for it. Never mind that you were at the first party of the year, saw a friend for the first time in four months, and your chest bump greeting went a little awry.
But Facilities, you shouldn't be in the business of taxing behavior. Taxes are for Democrats, not colleges. Sure, if you make people pay extra for cigarettes, they are going to smoke less (though it seems like folks in Bro Village have no plans to stop ripping rods anytime soon). College is about three things: learning how to be an I-banker, learning about personal responsibility and learning that Moulton is better than Thorne. For some folks, being charged $100 merely means a slightly angry call from dad. For others, it means an additional financial burden their family can't afford. The College needs to take a hard look at whether Facilities' rates are appropriate and fair.
Let Bowdoin students live in filth for a while. It doesn't take that long to learn you don't like living with a pile of trash outside your door. A gentle e-mail without fiscal threats may not produce the immediate results that Facilities wants, but it is more in line with the goals of the College. It also turns out that most Bowdoin students, even hockey players, are fundamentally nice and understand that if they make a mess, it is (eventually) their job to clean it up.
I could be wrong. Maybe picking up a bag of trash does cost the school a hundred bucks. If that's the case, it is simply a terrible business decision. Letting Harpswell residents mire in their bad choices for a year costs nothing. Rather than enforce a behavior tax, charge students for damage and dirtiness at the end of the year. Charge students the true cost that is incurred because frankly, as long as it is Shark Week, Bro Village is going to be Bro Village. And every week is Shark Week.
Aaron Cole is a member of the Class of 2011.