We all know that person. There's one in every crowd. He is the dreaded greatest hits listener, and his music collection is limited to what has been identified as "album gold." The scapegoat for educated musical critics and eclectic listeners alike, he has been subjected to decades of psychological abuse, public ridicule, and the occasional round of stoning because of his inability to traverse beyond "the comfort zone."
If the celebration of diversity is to be part of our country's agenda, it's high time to set the record straight and afford this minority of listeners the attention they so rightly deserve. I contacted Katherine Duglin '05, a faithful greatest hits devotee on our very own campus. In a touching interview, she offered her thoughts about and reactions to the general stereotypes we hold about this group and offered some revolutionary insights on musical theory and marketing. Here's proof that you can't judge an album by its cover.
KK: Katie, what precisely is the appeal of a greatest hits album? And can you attach perjoratives to greatest hits albums?
KD: Basically, it's nice because you don't get any shitty songs on the CD. I don't have time to listen to crappy stuff. Let's be honest: I go to Bowdoin. Time management is crucial. If I want to needlessly waste my time, I'll buy a regular album. The music industry and radio stations decide the good albums for me. I am an old dog. I don't have time for new tricks.
KK: Fair enough. Some would argue that greatest hits compilations are overcommercialized, ingenuine attempts to craft musical connoisseurs from ignoramuses. Any comments on this?
KD: Wait, wait, wait...the answer to that question is yes, I do think I am a musical connoisseur due to my ability to revel in a plethora of good songs chosen by someone else and avoid the pathetic music that usually emerges on side two or around the middle of the CD. Really, greatest hits lovers are very logic-driven individuals.
KK: Does your previous musical experience have anything to do with your current taste?
KD: I played the cello for eight years.
KK: Right-o. That's a connection I would have made, too. Have any of the greatest hits albums been definitive in shaping or synopsizing your life experience?
KD: Okay, the charm of a definitive life album is one that can compile hits from many different albums in a coherent manner. You know, happy songs, sad songs, all together now. I'm mildly schizophrenic, so my favorites tend to reflect that subjective bipolarity. A great sing-along album is Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' Greatest Hits, which is the perfect foil for my tone deafness. I like to sing along really loud in my car, head out the window, tail wagging. It's also nice to tap into some Bee Gees disco, Steve Miller's drugged out music, or Billy Joelness.
KK: What is your perspective on the phenomenon known as the "one hit wonder?"
KD: Greatest hits albums show consistency in a band's ability to produce good songs-and because one hit wonders ostensibly produce one hit, they have questionable talent. However, you can buy greatest hits albums from one hit wonders, although I'm not sure if they'd be "greatest hits" if they only had one hit...although I guess that would mean that every other song would be a hit.
KK: Moving on, you're stuck on a deserted island, and have to choose between Gordon Lightfoot's greatest hits or Wham's greatest hits to listen to for the rest of your days. Which album do you choose and why?
KD: Umm...all I know is that when people get laryngitis and they're sounding like porn stars, a typical comment is "You sound like Gordon Lightfoot today."
KK: What does "album gold" mean to you?
KD: I prefer platinum.
KK: I understand that you're very active with the Maine College Republicans. Do you think your political affiliation has anything to do with your musical taste?
KD: No. I like Steve Miller, The Beatles, Phish. Suffice it to say that I have the music library of an ardent green party member like Ralph Nader. I call it uniting American politics through music.
KK: Any final thoughts, comments?
KD: With the James Taylor and Fleetwood Mac greatest hits albums, the CD cases are put into these stupid cardboard cases-do you ever get those? The paper covers have the exact same pictures on the plastic case cover. That's wasting paper.
Thank you, Katie, for your time, consideration, and thoughtful responses. Looks like we've found our very own "greatest hit" at Bowdoin-a sensitive listener with a heart of gold.