A few weeks ago I went on a date. Yes, friends, a real date. In a brief and rare moment of clarity and courage, I approached a guy I barely knew and eventually we went to town for sushi and gelato. Although the evening itself was surprisingly easygoing and fun, circumstances surrounding the night have forced me to rethink what dating means at Bowdoin and why it is perceived as being so difficult and terrifying.
Dating is something I don't often see around campus. There is space for debate about the hookup culture, and we all have opinions on serious monogamous relationships.
Yet the dating part gets largely ignored, both in conversation and practice. Why? Well, dating is scary—we all get nervous when we think about putting ourselves out there.
I believe however, that we make dating significantly more difficult than it has to be. Thus, in honor of Date Week, I want to talk about why this is, and maybe how we can fix it.
Dating is a remarkably different experience from hooking up or from being romantically committed to a partner. Unlike a hook up, going on a date requires that you admit some level of romantic interest and availability while, unlike pursuing an exclusive relationship, you probably don't actually know how interested you are. Basically, you are exploring options, and this kind of exploration is rife with uncertainty.
This uncertainty is a necessary part of the dating process. We are all old enough, I hope, to admit that romantic relationships do not and should not simply fall from the sky. Risk and chance are in some ways what make the whole process exciting anyways.
This gets complicated, however, by the size of our school, which is really quite small. We don't just deal with being rejected; we also have to deal with interacting with that person daily and the awkwardness inherent in any potential unrequited interest.
This is unavoidable, but not lasting. The awkwardness goes away—students can, in fact, act like mature young adults at times, and, in my case, the boy and I became good friends.
The point is that dating is always going to be hard, but it shouldn't stop us. Through countless interactions with other students, however, I have begun to realize that it does. We are terrified. How many people do you know who are interested in someone but can't even suggest something as benign as going for a walk? How many crushes go unaddressed for months out of fear? Contrast this with the ease of finding a hookup and the constant complaints about being single. This frustrates me. I would like to outlaw any complaining unless an honest effort has been made—no one is going to do the work for you, friends.
This is not to say that there aren't other barriers to successful dating at Bowdoin. And one, at least, I believe we can address. Let me return briefly to my date, or, more specifically, the three days post-date, which can be best characterized by a barrage of questions that I couldn't answer.
While I had been content to let the experience remain happily ambiguous pending further interaction, the rest of the world seemed intent on extracting a decision from me about this boy. This was stressful, and affected not only my perceptions of his actions, but the way in which I interacted with him.
This, friends, is one reason why dating is more difficult than it needs to be: we all get involved. And we love getting involved—as Bowdoin students its practically second nature. Yet when we recount, relive, and analyze every aspect of a date, we ultimately force the involved party to define what happened and what they want to happen next. Yet dating, ideally, should stem from not knowing—from two people trying to decide together whether or not romance is feasible.
Pushing strongly toward entering a romantic relationship not only rushes the process, but places expectations on the outcome. And dates do not need to result in relationships in order to be successful. Thus, to preserve some aspect of honest exploration, we need to remove this added pressure and recognize that we don't always immediately know what we want.
In light of this need, here's what I propose: let's not take Date Week so seriously this year. If we can all agree to not make quick assumptions about motives or desires (whether they be our own or our friends'), then maybe we can relieve some of the stress around the already scary idea of asking someone out.
As friends, let's agree to stay out of it. One date is not enough to make a sound romantic judgement, and we all know it. So, if you can't take your eyes off of that guy in history class, ask his name and see if he's free on Thursday. Or in Thorne, when the girl behind you wants to take a walk, say yes! If we can stop thinking about dating as a grand gesture of romance and desire, then maybe we'd actually be able to get somewhere. And it might just be a lot of fun.
Lindsey Thompson is a member of the Class of 2010.