I had planned to make my big Orient debut this week with a proper article of pop criticism, but all these plans derailed Tuesday afternoon.
After I had thoroughly interrupted my morning class with fits of coughing and sneezing, I went to the bathroom, only to find that my nose had become oddly upturned. Around 1 p.m., I sprouted a pink, curly tail.
By 2:15 p.m., the fine medical staff at Dudley Coe confirmed what I already suspected.
Yes, I'm one of them. I'm a swine.
I tried to fight through the fever and aches and write the article as planned, but my brain was coated in bacon grease, and the words simply wouldn't come. Then, swimming around the floor of my room in a feverish delirium, I had a moment of clarity.
In this trying time, Bowdoin does not need pointless fluff.
Bowdoin does not need an article championing some band that most of the campus has never heard of. Right now, Bowdoin needs a cure, and I know of no greater healing power than music.
So I present to you, the only known cure to H1N1. (Cue triumphant music) This is the official Swine Flu Playlist.
Day 1
Olivia Newton John & John Travolta - The Grease Megamix
Summer lovin', it happened so fast.... Those summer dreams, ripped at the seams... because I just found out you gave me H1N1. Sandy, oh Sandy, how could you not tell me you were infected? I trusted you. Now I've got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control.
It begins...
Q-Tip & J Dilla - Fever
Sing it! I think I got a fever, uh-uh, uh-uh, I think I got a fever. Dilla's deep groove and intoxicating synths will drag you down deeper than two bottles of Nyquill. If you're still healthy you might want to avoid this one. One listen will get you feeling swiney.
The Beatles - Piggies
If you've only just been infected, George knows what's in store for you. And for all the little piggies, life is getting worse. Sorry. It's the truth.
Nine Inch Nails - March of the Pigs
The pigs have won tonight. Now they can all sleep soundly and everything is all right. Well, not everything, but in my experience, the first night is the worst. Nighty night.
Day 2
Linda Ronstadt - Hurts So Bad
You wake and find yourself still very much a swine. The fever is probably still intact and you ache. Oh, do you ache.
Well let me tell you that it hurts so bad. No one gets over the pig flu in a day.
Disturbed - Down with the Sickness
So maybe it's not your style to just wallow in self-pity. Maybe you just want to give in to your inner hog and let it take hold of you. Then throw away the Tylenol, let your fever rise, and embrace the delirium.
I can see inside you, the sickness is rising. Don't try to deny what you feel. Smash your Linda Ronstadt record and turn up this nu-metal classic as high as it will go. Get Up! Come On! Get Down With The Sickness! SWINE! SWINE! SWINE!
Dave Matthews Band - Don't Burn the Pig
It's been 24 hours. By now everyone knows you're a swine. When the angry mob is knocking down your door and you're wondering, What will happen to me?, this song is your last resort. Don't burn the pig!
Hüsker Dü - Pink Turns To Blue
If any point this song begins to describe what is happening to your pink, piggy flesh, I advise you to call 911 immediately.
Day 3
3rd Bass - Green Eggs and Swine
I got much better things, to do with my time / than to worry about the green eggs and swine.
The Coasters - I'm a Hog for You Baby
One of the hardest things about contracting swine flu is explaining to your significant other that you may have accidently passed it on to him or her.
You've lived with the virus for two days now. It's time to let your partner know the truth.
Hopefully the sweet soulful voices of The Coasters can help make this difficult conversation a little bit easier.
Pink Floyd - Pigs on the Wing (Parts 1 & 2)
The conversation didn't go too well, did it? Well then sing this ballad to your better half.
As long as swine flu hasn't already turned your partner's heart to steel, he/she won't be able to stay mad long. You know that I care what happens to you... Come on baby, we're just two pigs on the wing.
Day 4
Michael Jackson - Heal the World
If you've been keeping up your daily regimen of Tylenol, Advil, decongestants, Gatorade, chicken noodle soup, and bad movies, you've probably beaten the swine.
Regardless of whether you're cured, still infected, or you managed to avoid the pig flu altogether (not likely), heed this song's message. Michael has passed on and is no longer here to help us.
We must carry on his quest. We must unite as a human race, both swines and non-swines, and make a better world. Only we can heal the world.
Elvis Costello - Swine
You're a swine and I'm saying that's an insult to the pig. Don't listen to him. He clearly never had H1N1. Stay with Michael. Heal the world.
Day 5
Mötley Crüe - Generation Swine
If you wake to see the light of the fifth day, then you've beaten the swine. Your nose has returned to its normal shape. Your curly tail has shriveled away and fallen off. Congratulations. You're a survivor. That said, the trials and tribulations aren't over yet.
Remember the angry mob that wanted burn you like a common witch? Those are the same people who you'll have to face on your first day back in class. Don't let them bring you down. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud! You beat H1N1! Now everybody sing the chorus! Back in ya face! Such a disgrace! We're the generation SWINE!
Okay, okay... I know that Motley Crue is among the worst bands in the history of recorded music. In fact, most of this playlist sucks. And you know what? So does swine flu. 'Nuff said.
Swinely yours,
Peter
Addendum: The writer of this column cannot be held responsible for its content, as it was written with a body temperature fluctuating between 99 and 102 degrees Fahrenheit. We thank you for reading.