Amid holding auditions for the impending generation of Meddiebempsters Monday night, I received a text message from my mother that defied the natural order. The incredulous blurb that appeared on my enV2 (because I don't need an iPhone...yet) read something that sent a wave of instant gratification throughout my entire body: "Bills lead with 5 minutes left."

On any normal night, this message would have been meaningless and hollow, evoking a feeling of apathy within. Simply put, I could not care less about the Buffalo Bills, the franchise who, for the last half-decade or so, has been littered with garbage, squalor and J.P. Losman, and whose U.S. President equivalent would probably be Warren G. Harding (how often do you think about Warren G. Harding? About as much as you think about the Buffalo Bills? Probably.)

But this was no average night, no, sir. You see, the team that decided to sign Terrell Owens (which is like inviting a rampant serial killer to live with your family for the year), was playing the New England Patriots, who I might equate to Bill Clinton—they cheated, after all—and was staging the impossible; the Bills were beating the New England Patriots.

Now granted, it had happened before, and not so long ago as some of you might remember. Back on September 7, 2003, the Bills played host to the one-time Super Bowl champion Patriots, who had missed the playoffs the previous season, and who also were without former members Drew Bledsoe and Lawyer Milloy, the safety who had been cut by New England and then immediately picked up by Buffalo four days before the game...and the ex-Patriots spanked their former teammates 31-0, a tantalizingly propitious sign of things to come for the fans of Orchard Park, NY.

Most Patriots fans will then recall that their squad put the butchering behind them pretty quickly, finishing the season 14-2, a year which culminated in their second Super Bowl victory, and a reciprocated 31-0 mauling of these same Bills, who finished a predictable 6-10.

Surely on Monday night, diehard Patriots fans were transported back momentarily to that very opening day, and looked upon the ominous threat of another defeat at the hands of the Bills to kick-start the season with a kind of haughty indifference: if we win, great, and if not, we'll probably win the Super Bowl anyway. And surely this Patriots team was better than the '03 Patriots team. Yes, the Bills had beaten the Patriots before, but never at Gillette Stadium—where the game was being played—and not away at New England since 2000. These Bills were on the brink of history.

Up 24-13 with 5:32 to go, quarterback Trent Edwards had just found running back Fred Jackson on a dinky little screen pass, which Jackson took into the end zone, putting the game seemingly out of reach for New England. But as my good friend Louis used to say on our sports talk radio show back in high school, "In that situation I just smile and say: Tom Brady gets the ball back now."

In just over three minutes, Brady orchestrated a rare Brady we're-losing-and-we-need-to-come-back-quickly drive, culminating in an 18-yard laser of a touchdown pass into the chest of Benjamin Watson with 2:06 left in the 4th quarter. 24-19. After the two-point conversion attempt failed, the Patriots decided against the onside kick and booted it deep to cornerback/kick returner Leodis McKelvin, who probably wouldn't have made the papers had he chosen to take a knee in the end zone, but did so when he defied intelligence and opted to return the pigskin, run into Brandon Meriweather's right arm, and cough up the football, effectively handing the reigns to Brady at the worst possible time.

We all had read this script before, and the outcome was especially anticlimactic: Brady found Watson on the same exact play with 50 seconds to spare. 25-24. And that was your final.

Even though I wasn't able to watch the game, reading about it coupled with watching the highlights raised a recurring question that has eluded me over the last nine years: Just how exactly do you beat Tom Brady?

And the more I watched and read about the Patriots' Monday night's game in Foxboro, the more I began to realize that this single game will now serve as the quintessential instructional video on the dos and don'ts against the future Hall-of-Fame quarterback. So again, just how exactly do you beat Tom Brady?

A Hungry Defensive Line

If your team's front four are unable to get any kind of pressure on Tom Brady, your boys are in for a long night. If there is anyone who will always find the open man when given enough time, it is Brady. Plain and simple: no rush, no chance.

The New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII sacked Brady five times, rushing him on the majority of the plays, and they still almost lost as Brady gave the Patriots the 14-10 lead with just under three minutes to play on a touchdown pass to Randy Moss. The Bills only managed one sack on Monday night and should have won handily...so what else is there?

Smart Coaching & Decision-Making

If the Bills proved anything Monday night, it was that one minor lapse in judgment can ruin the entire game. Of course I am referring to McKelvin's decision to run the kickoff out of the end zone and fumbling instead of taking a knee for a touchback.

What Bills head coach Dick Jauron told McKelvin before he went out to receive the kickoff is not known at this time, but what is clear is that Jauron failed to tell his special-teamer not to run it out of the end zone (or he did, and McKelvin ignored the order—but that would be a whole other story). Jauron/McKelvin is guilty of incompetence, and if nothing else, at least HANG ONTO THE FREAKING BALL NEXT TIME, LEODIS!

Beat Brady on Offense

Despite Brady's offensive prowess, thankfully it does not extend to the defensive side of the ball. The Patriots defense is prone to ceding points, most notably made possible by their mediocre secondary.

To ensure any chance your team keeping up with Brady, your offense will have to take advantage of what is a relatively exploitable defense, as the Bills showed on Monday...just HANG ONTO THE FREAKING BALL NEXT TIME, LEODIS!

Force Brady to Make a Mistake

Rarely does this happen, but when it does, the result usually shifts the balance of the game in an astronomical way, as shown by defensive end Aaron Schobel's unexpected pick-six that gave Buffalo a 14-7 lead just before halftime Monday, and Champ Bailey's 100-yard pick-six in the 2006 playoffs that turned a possible 13-10 Patriots lead to a 17-6 Broncos lead, that eventually resulted in a 27-13 win, booking Denver a place in the AFC Championship Game. But again, Tom Brady screws up about as often as Rey Ordoñez used to homer.

Pure Dumb Luck

As a starting quarterback in the National Football League, Brady is 102-27 as a starter. That means you have about a 21 percent chance of beating him on any given day.

But it really means that it's time to get out your pixie dust, leprechaun tails and rabbit feet, because Tom Brady—the Daniel Day-Lewis, Derek Jeter, and Bill Nye of the national football league—is as infallible as they come and seldom will he lose. But when he does, oh, how sweet it is.