Yes, this is another steroids column. And no, I don't want the blame.
I know I'm the one who decided to write it and that I spent hours reading it over and fine-tuning every word. It's true that I thought of this article's subject and I've worked on its extended metaphor. And yes, this column is my space to say and do what I want, but I don't want to be held personally accountable for the product that I put out on Friday mornings.
Just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm responsible, at least if you go by Major League Baseball's standards. So don't blame me.
Bud Selig, MLB's erstwhile commissioner, sits squarely in the middle of baseball's steroid controversy. Along with Barry Bond's bloated head, Mark McGwire's bloated ego, A-Rod's bizarre sense of truth and Roger Clemens' pin-pricked buttocks, Selig's absent-minded professor demeanor will become the symbol of baseball's biggest crisis since 1919. But the worst part is that none of them think that they're the story.
"I don't want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to this or he didn't care about it," Selig told Newsday. "That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I'm sensitive to the criticism."
Well, Bud, time to develop a thick shell. You've done a lot of good for the league in your 16 years as commissioner, including initiating revenue sharing and the introduction of the wild card, and you've overseen an era of record growth for the game. But you really screwed the pooch on this one.
That record growth? Based on juice. You've overseen an era of juiced balls and juiced muscles and, with the help of the players union, sold more juice than your local Orange Julius. And now it's time to pay the price.
Apologize. There's no question that this whole mess is bigger than you and that the commissioner's office could never have prevented the introduction of steroids to baseball. But there's also no question that you, at the very least, turned a blind eye to the dangerous development that threatened to engulf the sport and has destroyed much of the sport's honor and integrity.
The players and their union are every bit—if not more—responsible, but that doesn't make you any less culpable. As CEOs of America's biggest financial and auto companies have been lambasted for the huge bonuses they took as their respective ships sunk, you should get your due. And don't forget, it doesn't look as if Mark McGwire will make baseball's Hall of Fame any time soon. Apologize now and five years after you retire you'll be drinking bubbly in Cooperstown.
But have no fear. Amidst the biggest development in the steroid controversy, Yankees third-baseman and resident tabloid icon Alex Rodriguez's admission of using performance enhancing drugs, Selig has pledged to wake up.
"Let's just say I'm going to monitor that situation closely,'' Selig told Newsday on Monday.
Really? Well thank goodness. You've done such a great job monitoring the Bonds/McGwire/Palmeiro/Tejada/ "Insert baseball star here" situation that I have full confidence in your abilities to intelligently and fairly rectify baseball's steroid mess any day now.
Not that it's your job or anything, thanks for going the extra mile. Are you going to bill overtime for watching A-Roid's press conference?
According to espn.com, as it became clearer that something extraordinary was happening to baseball's hitters, Selig consulted several baseball personalities to get their take on the matter. He cited Bob Melvin, current Arizona Diamondbacks manager, Atlanta Braves president John Schuerholz, and Yankees GM Brian Cashman as proof.
"They all told me none of them ever saw it in the clubhouses and that their players never spoke about it," Selig said in the Newsday interview.
Well, folks, I've talked to my three roommates and they said that they want to hear my take on the steroids scandal. So if you're tired of hearing the constant moaning about steroids in baseball and were hoping for a column about the beginning of spring training, too bad.
It's not my fault.