Take a deep breath. Hold it. Do you smell what I smell? That's right, it's the crisp aroma of September in Maine. It's the soft fragrance of clean bed sheets and new underwear. It's the reassuring scent of a CLEAN SLATE.
No matter what your past sins have been, now is your opportunity to make a fresh start. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Then again, taking that strapping young man from your Sculpture class home over Ivies sounded nice too. That is, until you realized that you'd contracted a particularly virulent strand of the "kissing disease" from said gentleman, leaving you bedridden all summer.
Undoubtedly, some of you will be skeptical of my point of view?and understandably so. For, though I'm sure you've heard the old, reassuring adage, "what happens at Ivies, stays at Ivies," I think most of us would rather put our money on "Saturday night's pleasure is Sunday morning's painful reality."
It's more than just pnemonia that spreads like wildfire on this campus. Ever-present is the fear of infection with a bad case of ridicule, judgment, or lack of eye contact from a fair-weather friend you once considered your "main wingman." But, just hear me out. I have an idea of what you're going through, so trust me, it's not as bad as you think. Plus, mono was, like, the best diet EVER?right?
First of all, stop obsessing about the last totally embarrassing thing you did at Bowdoin. You're probably the only person who remembers it, and you're definitely the only one who cares. Everyone else spent their summer so wrapped up in their own sexual confusion, they couldn't possibly have had the time to think about your problems. That cute chick on the field hockey team has been freaking out about how she kissed a girl and she liked it, not about how you forgot to call her because you were too busy watching the game with your boys. Embarrassment is a subjective feeling which depends on your standards, not the standards of others. While you may think that hooking up with multiple people in one night is dirty, remember that there's probably a whole crew of poly-amorous swingers sitting in the basement of Mac House wishing they were in your shoes. The point is, with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, and you need to be prepared for this when you engage in any type of sexual activity. Be aware of what you're doing, and you probably won't end up searching for your dignity on the steps of the Art Museum the next morning.
Secondly, have some integrity. Now, perhaps you did, in fact, do something last semester that earned you a lifetime spot on the Bowdoin "wall of shame." It's possible that all the judgmental glances you seem to be getting in line at Thorne are, indeed, coming from people who recall your epic performance at Super Snack last spring?dressed as Tom Cruise in "Risky Business," standing on the table, and belting out a cacophonous rendition of Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know," dedicated to your ex. Even still, all is not lost. You are only the object of ridicule if you allow yourself to be. So maybe you ran barefoot through the snow desperately pleading with your object of desire, "Stay! Stay! You'll love it, I promise!" Well, now's the time to hold your head up high and, in the bright and conspicuous light of day, march up to that person and say hello. The most effective way to relieve yourself of the shame that you feel over what may not have been the most savory sexual experience is not to act as if you're ashamed. The past is gone and if you're still living there, then people probably have good reason to treat you like the person you used to be. Get up and look your sexual wreckage straight in the face?acknowledge its presence. This is the first step in the dignity restoration process. Seems scary? Believe me, it's worth it. They won't know what hit them. The last time you spoke they glared in disgust at the puddle of spilt beer collecting on your dingy t-shirt. And now, here you are, clean, happy, sporting a healthy summer tan, and?gasp?looking them in the eye and engaging in conversation. They might think you're crazy, but at least they'll be intrigued.
In closing, a note to those students who have yet to fully experience the magnificent awkwardness that is the Bowdoin hook-up scene. While these first weeks of college will by no means define your experience at this fine institution of learning, they are definitely moments you will never forget. So please, before you head out into the perilous wilderness of the college social scene, keep a few things in mind:
- Costume parties are not an excuse for public nudity (this is particularly true of Epicurea).
- Having people write on your face at the Baxter graffiti party might sound like fun on Saturday night, but you'll be getting a very different reaction at Sunday brunch.
- Cups are provided at social house parties for a reason. Filling up a camelbak with beer is probably not a good idea?if only because your hydration device will never be the same afterwards.
- Know what you're imbibing?if anyone offers you something called "monkey piss," just say no.
- Just because you're dancing in a vat of foam (or jelly), it doesn't mean people can't see you sucking face, or whatever else you might be doing in there...
Keeping all of this in mind, I now want you to take another deep breath. Hold it. You can do this. That's the smell of fall, and fall forgives everyone.