Curing post-Brady blues

Jeremy is Berning: '68 Heisman: What if?

One was named the greatest football player to ever play at Purdue and is one of the faces of its athletics program. The other faces a sentence of life imprisonment for the second time and is currently in the midst of his second criminal trial. One has dedicated his post-football career to keeping kids in school; the other has not been out of the tabloids. One has his bust in South Bend, Indiana as a member of the College Football Hall of Fame. The other has been enshrined in Canton, Ohio, at the Pro Football Hall of Fame game. One had 14 touchdowns in the 1968 season, the other made the end zone 21 times.

Jeremy is Berning

This piece represents the opinion of the author:

September 12, 2008

The Mafia assassinated Kennedy. I've seen Bigfoot myself on three separate occasions.

And I'm positive Tom Brady will be on the field this Sunday for his 129th consecutive start at quarterback for the New England Patriots. At this point, I'm close to hysterics, and I'll believe anything but the truth.

Come Sunday, there is no way Matt Cassel will be under center for his first meaningful start since high school. I've convinced myself that Barry Bonds is innocent and Marion Jones is a saint. I know for a fact that Rosie Ruiz is just really fast.

I'm sure this "Tom Brady?ACL" nonsense is just another power play by a crafty Bill Belichick seeking to get into his opponents' heads.

Just as I wasn't meant to live among the Romans in the Year 1 B.C., I'm not meant to live in Week 1 W.T. (Without Tom). I don't think I can handle it.

All it took was eight minutes. The time it takes for me to run a mile and a half. (Ok, maybe just a mile.) The time it takes me to try to hang up the phone when my mom calls with "just one quick question."

The time it takes to make macaroni and cheese. Just a bowl of mac and cheese into the Patriots season, I saw that the entire NFL season was changed.

A living, breathing, playing-football legend who will eventually retire to the Hall of Fame won't grace a playing field again at any time this season. The reigning MVP, who just last season obliterated the record for most touchdowns in a single year, may never be the same again.

Tom Brady's most important achievement with the Patriots has nothing to do with touchdowns or Super Bowls. It's hope. Like many others, I thought Brady's day was over the second I saw his knee buckle.

But I never gave up hope that he would quietly emerge from the tunnel, while all of New England roared, to lead the team to victory. He's that kind of athlete. With Belichick and Brady, you can never count the Pats out, no matter the odds. And so we waited and we hoped, in vain and disbelief.

Outside of New England, fans from across the NFL are celebrating the Golden Boy's injury. "They had it coming to them," they all say, not knowing "they" is me and "it" is devastation. Brady's injury is quietly being seen by many as payback for the recent "Spygate" scandal and the Patriots continued dominance?somehow the karmic equivalent of a lost first-round draft pick. But all tastelessness over celebrating the injury of another human aside, should NFL fans still be happy Brady is (gulp) out for the season? Sure, if they're fans of mediocrity.

A Tom Brady-less NFL season is like an episode of The Office without Steve Carrell or a Beatles concert without John Lennon.

Thanks to the supporting cast, it'll be OK, but it certainly won't be great; no one will be reaching new heights of comedic/musical/athletic achievement.

I plan on making no effort to wrest myself from my deluded state. Sunday at one o' clock I'll be watching the Brunswick Plutos Football Team (starring Tom Brady at quarterback, Tupac at running back, and Nessie the Loch Ness Monster at left tackle) on the television of my mind. But what will you see during the rest of the NFL season? Without further ado, five predictions for the upcoming NFL season that I would bet your life on:

1. Thanks to better-than-average quarterback play and a resurgent defensive line, the Cleveland Browns will make the playoffs for the first time since 2002. But Derek Anderson won't be the hero of the Dawg Pound; it'll be sophomore quarterback Brady Quinn.

2. Both Mannings will miss the playoffs, but they'll make over 11,000 combined television ads. Young Eli will combat the Super Bowl hangover, while Peyton must overcome an off-season knee injury and an aging Marvin Harrison. Plus, I'm biased.

3. A leprechaun will bring the 49ers their long-awaited pot of gold and lead San Francisco to the playoffs. After finishing 5-11 last year, they have already been counted out, but quarterback J.T. O'Sullivan has won the starting job and will do enough to get them into the playoffs?and even make a run for the top of the weakest division in football.

4. Two moustaches, and the coaches they are attached to, will be out of work when Andy Reid of the Eagles and Mike Holmgren of the Seahawks quit after the season. And it will be a shame, because frosted-over moustaches on the sidelines in December make me laugh. But it is time for them both to go, and anyone can grow a mustache.

5. Your AFC playoff teams: Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, San Diego, New York, New England, and Cleveland. And in the NFC you'll see: Dallas, New Orleans, Chicago, San Francisco, Philadelphia, and Carolina.

But it just won't be the same, Week 19 W.T.

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