Just before seventh grade, I decided that it was time for me to start playing American football.
I figured I had watched enough of it and enjoyed it, as well as played it almost every recess (you should have seen what I could do with 26 receivers running aimlessly down the field; I made it rain out there) to finally participate at the organized level.
And while my rookie season in Pop Warner will live in infamy (My best memory was from the sideline in the pouring rain, turning around, and waving cheerlessly at my parents), it will also be remembered for something my head coach said at one of our practices.
At the time, Pop Warner football was relatively new in our neighborhood, the program having been established three or four years prior to my joining the ranks and donning my number 74-stitched jersey (I played a lot).
Up until then, soccer had dominated my town as the fall sport of choice for nearly every kid in the neighborhood?myself included.
And while my progression in the sport that is as un-American as Turkey (the country, it's Turkish) resembles that of the evolution of man?(from left to right) 1. Me sitting on the field picking the grass, 2. Me squatting and still picking the grass, 3. Me sitting on the bench eating an orange, 4. Me standing on the field defending while the ball was all the way on the other side, 5. Finally, me standing with arms raised having scored my first goal...at age 12?I must admit that there were times that I enjoyed myself out there.
But mostly I just picked the grass, giving me all the more incentive to switch to American football.
So back to my coach's statement that is still tattooed on my brain.
I remember one day one of our star American football players couldn't make it to practice, and at the team meeting before we stretched, our head coach asked us, "Why isn't Sammy here?" "He's got soccer practice coach," someone blurted out.
I focused on how my coach would react, and saw a twinkle in his eye before he responded ever so sardonically, "Soccer?! That's for foot-fairies!"
The whole team burst into laughter. It was like we were watching Dane Cook, only it was funny. Really funny.
My coach was hilarious, I thought to myself. Not only that, but he was right: Soccer really was for foot-fairies.
A bunch of guys prancing around a field trying to kick a ball? Please. Put a helmet on and hit someone for crying out loud.
I continued with American football for five more years?and actually started a few games at wide receiver my senior year of high school?and always felt the same sentiments about soccer: It was lame, boring to watch, and nobody in America liked it.
But Chris, if you don't watch soccer, what do you watch? Ummm, oh I dunno? Major League Baseball (America's pastime)? The NBA? NHL? THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE?!?! Leave me alone. Soccer sucks.
What I didn't know is that I was wrong, and had been for my entire life, about the most celebrated sport in nearly every other country in the world except for America.
And thankfully, this past summer, I finally had that epiphany: Soccer?excuse me?football is the best sport in the world (and I haven't looked back).
And why, you ask? Quite simply because it is bigger than any and every sport in the United States (which probably explains why we're so terrible in the World Cup, but that's an article for another day)! Towns, cities, and countries live by their team's up and downs, following its every move on and off the pitch (that's a football field outside of our country, by the way). And yet, most of us still don't care.
But guess what! You're all in luck, because today I am giving you the opportunity of a lifetime, to become more at one with the world than you ever have been before, a prospect of immense proportions: the chance to become a football (soccer) fan.
So hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three. Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.
Take a look and you'll see into this amazing recreation. Willy Wonka aside, here are 11 simple steps to becoming a lifelong football fan.
11. Keep an open mind
This is easily the most difficult step for anyone who has any doubts about football.
If you let your reservations about the world's game cloud your mind, then there is absolutely no way you can become a fan. If you can complete this step, you're honestly 80 percent there.
10. Watch the MLS...at least at first
Even those of you are not football fans probably think that the MLS is a joke.
But while the game-play in our country's still infantile league is not nearly as rapid or rigorous as that of Europe, there are still some terrific players such as Red Bull New York's Jozy Altidore, D.C. United's Luciano Emilio, and of course, the L.A. Galaxy's David Beckham. It's good to start small.
Becoming a football fan should not be rushed.
Plus, when you watch international football, you'll just be that much more impressed.
9. Google/Wikipedia
These will be arguably your two most useful tools in the preliminary stages of becoming a football fan.
I would recommend utilizing Google first, typing in "top 50 world footballers" or some nuance of that, so you can register some high-profiled names.
Then, you can access Wikipedia to find out more about those players, their stats, the teams they've played for, the models they're currently dating, stadiums, national teams...the list is endless.
8. YouTube/Footytube
Again, I cannot stress the importance of these two Web sites during your birth as a fan.
YouTube will provide you with endless compilations of the players you have researched (type in "Ronaldinho" or "Kaka" to start), while Footytube will give you the most recent highlights and other entertaining clips that will keep you busy until rapture.
7. Play FIFA '08
I cannot think of a more fun way to waste time or to learn about more players, teams, and leagues. It might just be the most useful tool in terms of finding out who's who.
6. Ask questions
It may feel like there is no one else out there who likes football, but trust me, they're there.
They love the sport more than anyone and are always more than willing to help get new fans on board and settled in.
Ask away, and both of you will be glad you did.
5. Choose a team
After months and months of research, watching clips, reading articles, and asking numerous questions, it will become time for you to choose a team to support.
Having talked with a number of unnamed sources, England's Premiership appears to have the edge over all other leagues around the world.
I ultimately settled on Chelsea FC (based in London) at the beginning of my fan-life, so I would recommend also selecting a team from this league.
However, there are top leagues all over the place such as Serie A in Italy and La Liga in Spain, all of which have fantastic teams and incredible players.
Just be careful during this process, for selecting a losing squad initially may deter you from becoming a superfan.
4. ESPNsoccernet.com
When you finally have your team, you'll want to be kept up to date with everything about them. This Web site does an impeccable job of keeping Americans informed of their favorite clubs...even if they are overseas.
3. FSC/Online streaming
ESPN2 will show some Champions League games, but what happens if your team isn't on?
Or what do you do if you want to watch a regular season game?
Purchasing Fox Soccer Channel (you can do this through the school) or a package that allows you to watch live games on your computer is imperative to fully absorb the game's richness.
2. eBay
Having trouble finding your favorite player's jersey? Search this Web site and get a near-authentic replica sent to you from Thailand for about $30.
1. Ball 'n' Cleats
The only way to appreciate the game fully is to go out there and try it yourself. I threw down $45 this past summer for a pair of cleats and a ball, and then ran to the nearest pitch whenever I could to try to revive the magic that was.
Bending it is a lot harder than it looks, but that is really the beauty of it. Repeat as directed.
Congratulations! You are now a football fan, and are more at one with the world than ever before.